Scared of Best friends of the opposite sex

[Aaron]

I would like to express my feelings on this. My S/O has a Male friend in program and I am scared of their relationship. At times It seems he has priority over me. He is thoughtful and considerate, he loves her kids and they love him. My future is so bleak at this moment and I fear that my being away and times when she needs a shoulder and I am not around or if she may not think I will undersatand she will go into his arms like she has in the past, she says they have never been involved or had any kind of physical relationship but there is always a greater chance of something happening the more communication they partake in. I expressed my opinion the fact that I wasnt comfortable with them laying in bed napping even with clothes on and empty beds and a couch and she got very defensive and made a comment that "then we have a problem". that raised my suspision of something going on or had gone on or the possibilities exist. Am I wrong? I really need help on this one.

God Bless I will be willing to accept private messages or general post on this issue.

Friend in recovery
Aaron
valleyhope19503@yahoo.com
yahoo messenger valleyhope19503


Quote:
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
My thoughts on this subject aren't coming from the experience of infidelity while working the program, but I thought I'd add my thoughts in on this as infidelity has been in my life.
There are different reasons why an affair happens. It's not always because the person who cheats has no morals or values. Sometimes it's because the person's needs aren't being met in the marriage and they fall for someone that does meet those needs. (And I'm not referring to just the sex aspect either!) There are those that will cheat for the excitement of it. There are those that will cheat out of a moment of weakness. And of course there are those habitual cheaters that have always cheated and will continue to cheat. As I said, there are many reasons why someone cheats.
However, on that note, I want to address my thoughts as far as the person that cheats with someone in a recovery program (whether it be AA or another recovery program). I believe that part of why this happens is that these people understand each other in a way that is hard for someone to understand that hasn't experienced it. (Example: It's hard for someone who hasn't lived with an alcoholic to understand us. Hence; it's hard for a non-alcoholic to understand an alcoholic.)
This is when, I believe, the alcoholic (or the potential cheater, whoever that may be) needs to look to their Higher Power as well as into themselves. They need to hear those words about not making any big major changes for at least a year after sobriety.
Yes, the closeness that people can find while working a recovery program could make the lines of boundaries seem blurry. It could make a person confused, etc.
I would hope that the marriage is being worked on to the extent that the potential cheater would take note of his feelings and deal with them. I'd hope that they would work the program and also be working on their marriage.
However....what it comes down to though is that I don't believe that a person should shy away from a recovery program because of the risk of an affair. I believe that even if it's not through AA, they can find another way to address their recovery. I've heard of some groups having seperate meetings - all women meetings/ all men meetings, etc. Maybe something that the person needs to look into in their area. (just a thought)

[SusanD]

Hi Aaron

Sounds like you need to trust your gut instincts. From your description, it appears you have a justified reason to view your partner's behavior (ie: "Laying in bed napping" with her male friend") with a skeptical eye. Express your feelings about this relationship to your partner. Give her specific examples of behaviors that cause discomfort. If she becomes defensive and won't listen to your concerns, how will you be able to trust her? When people are sincerely trying to be honest, they generally avoid the use of defense mechanisms.

[Tiro]

Sounds to me like you have good reason to be suspicious of this relationship.

A little over a year ago my SO became involved with someone in the programme of the oppsite sex.

The intimacy they were sharing went well beyond any ordinary "friendship" and in my heart I knew my time was up, especially when they went on the defensive whenever I tried to voice my opinion.

I think "napping together" is definately a red flag.

[elizabeth1979]

Um, I dont think napping together is appropriate either.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Okay. I'm a prude and my attitudes are Victorian, but I have no male friends that I would hang out with in Dino's absence who aren't gay. My own discomfort would be profound. I would not ever want the whisper of a suspicion to enter his mind. The issue has never come up, but I think if he did much "hanging out" with any specific woman friend without me being there as well, I would have a cow. Call me insecure. The "problem" as I see it, is that you have there a very insensitive woman, if nothing else. A thinking person would consider the feelings of their mate and a sensitive one would honor them. If she's not unfaithful, she certainly lacks good taste. I'm not sure that's a recovery issue, unless it's yours. Will you abide this lack of consideration?

Hugs,
Smoke

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by smoke gets in my eyes

A thinking person would consider the feelings of their mate and a sensitive one would honor them.

Smoke, I just love ya.
That's all.

[elizabeth1979]

I am SO on board with smoke on this one. I am full of stuff today bc I went to an AA meeting last night with my currently in residential treatment alcholic fiance.........so Aaron, bear with me...but there are some wise people there and I heard this last night.

Its not your business what anyone else is thinking...now it was directed at the alcoholic...but why couldnt it be directed at us too?

Aaron, if she says you have a problem with her actions..is it your business what she is thinking...or your business what you think about it. What are you thinking/feeeling about it? Sounds pretty much like you are not really happy about it. Your feelings are important too....