Question about Relationships in Recovery

[Dunitall]

Evening everyone.

I read a question over on the Friends and Family forum and thought I might share my experience here. Hope you don't mind.

Q. If two people are attracted two each other because of totally unhealthy needs, what happens when they get healthy.

I've been living apart from my ex fiancee for about a month now. We had been together just over three years. I'm quite early in recovery, but I'm working the steps and beginning to make sense of my life. Although, I love my ex immensely, I have realised that we both need to get healthy and that the best love I can give her for now is time, space, respect, understanding and help when she asks for it.

I believe that when any two people first get together they may be partially blinded by the excitement and novelty of a new relationship. There will always be healthy needs in a relationship, sometimes they can become distorted, particularly when one of them (in my case me) is an alcoholic.

I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction that when we first got together it was absolutely the happiest time in my entire life. Now being a good practising alcoholic, my subconscious got to work on me and told me that in no way did I deserve this much happiness. So, I followed old scripts and gradually began to cause chaos, hurt and unhappiness in order to be "comfortable". It sure didn't feel comfortable to me but it had been "the story of my life" thus far. I didn't accept then that I was an alcoholic, so didn't seek help for quite some time.

Throughout our relationship, we had some fabulous times. Travel, foreign holidays, getting engaged, establishing (and still running) a successful business together. Looking back now however, I can see clearly that even the best times were tainted by my alcoholism.

I had (have??) many weaknesses which led me to alcohol. Most of these I have pinpointed to childhood experiences. Fact is that until I met my ex, I had replayed all the chaos I was used to in my life, in my previous relationships. Previous partners had been so like my mother. Short tempered, sustained my fears, distant types. After all that's how I was brought up, so I was "comfortable" with people like that.

This was different however. She is kind, caring, calm,trusting reliable and gorgeous. So in the words of my counsellor "I had to work extra hard to achieve the level of chaos to which I was accustomed".

So. In my experience. Of course people change in recovery. I wouldn't have gone through the initial pain of acceptance if I wasn't committed to changing. One of the first things I have been able to do is have an understanding relationship with myself. I know much more about me. I actually quite like me.

As I get healthier and further into recovery, I can see how much I have changed and in exactly what ways. I know what makes me happy and I know what I want from life. When I was drinking and indeed before I was drinking, I frequently wanted something more or better. I could never have that bit more or better, so I drank more to get over the disappointment.

So for me, I can see the healthy needs which brought the two of us together. In recovery, those values and needs are etched both in my brain and in my heart. I recognise how they were warped previously by my alcoholism and how I walked selfishly all over our dreams. I recognise the impatience which I showed in trying to achieve everything... like yesterday. I accept that I lied to make out that everything was OK when it wasn't.

My view on the question, is that when the two people get healthy they can use their spiritual tools to continue growing. If like me, you can see the healthy needs along with the unhealthy, then you have something to work on. Only each individual will know when he or she feels healthy enough to or indeed whether to rekindle the relationship.

My sobriety and recovery come first. Thereafter, I know what I hope for and all I can do is keep my side of the street clean. With the AA programme and a genuine spiritual belief in my HP, a day at a time I will work toward my goals.

Hope this isn't too boring, just that it is a subject very close to my heart.

Thanks for listening.

Rich

[StandingStrong]

Thank you Rich for your post. It was not boring and I found it very uplifting as well as honest.
I know that for me, after having been married to an alcoholic for many years, I was unaccustomed to those brief times of sobriety between binges. I was wired and on edge waiting for the next one. In a sick kind of way, it was "normal" when he would begin his drinking again. It was what I was used too, I knew how to have that dysfunctional relationship, I knew what to expect, etc. Yes, when used to chaos, this is what we begin to seek as that is what becomes/is normal to us.
As for the original question, I am not sure that I have the answer. From my own experience, I'd have to say that from the beginning, I was ahead of my AH. He once even told me that he'd felt resentful of me that when we got married, I had moved on and left him meaning that I had grown up and he hadn't. At the time he said it, it took me by surprise. As I look back, I see now what he meant.
We are seperated and I feel the marriage is over and it's time for each of us to move on. However, that being said, I have come along way in my own recovery. He, in turn, though not drinking (to my knowledge) hasn't changed a lot of other things and isn't working a program. Therefore, I see no hope as I refuse to continue living the life with him that I had.
I'd like to believe that given the proper tools, that two people that were unhealthy, who have grown to become healthy and find their true selves would be able to find each other in a new way. To have the relationship that they were meant to have. There are some success stories out there. They, I believe, are the answer to your question. But how they do it, I really don't know. I'm sure it's a lot of work, a lot of committment and alot of love.

So while I may not have the experience you were looking for in someone answering your post, those are my thoughts. And I thank you for sharing your insight. As I mentioned above, I did not find it boring. I found it quite refreshing. Honesty is respected.

[Dunitall]

Standing

Thanks for your input on this.

What you say is so true. When we alcoholics were drinking, there was a certain inevitability and predictability about it. In a sick way both us and our loved ones drew a sense of comfort from it. It's what we came to expect. Now that's insanity if ever I saw it!!

Secondly. Truth and honesty are the keys for me. When drinking, I couldn't even be honest with myself, so how could I possibly be truthful and honest with my partner. I deluded myself that I was being honest.....more insanity!!

This programme involves much soul searching and admission of our shortcomings. Not just admission but acceptance. For me, that has been the kick start for getting brutally honest with myself. It hurts, but I've caused so much hurt that unless I face the hurt, I can't continue to grow along spiritual lines.

I believe that with honesty trust can begin to be rebuilt. With trust comes hope. The foundations of trust and honesty are the cornerstones on which a meaningful loving relationship can be built. I guess that "meaningful love" is a new concept for me in sobriety.

I know what I need to do to achieve my dreams and I'll keep on doing it.....a day at a time.

I hope you can find the peace and serenity which you deserve.

((Hugs))

Rich