Fear of Commitment?

[bellaf]

Help!!

I'm feeling hurt, pain and emotionally raw at the moment, don't you love feelings!! But the good news is I don't want to drink! Amazing isn't it, 2 years ago I would of been down the pub drowning my sorrows!

I recently started dating a guy I have liked for over a year (he is in recovery too, been sober 6 years but only did the steps a year ago due to the pain he was in from a relationship break up (she finished with him and there was a child involved) and is on step 8 and has been there for a while).

As soon as we got initmate he started saying he had fears about being in a relationship, that he preferred being single cause he only had to look after himself! He was also very unaffectionate and never paid compliments. We spoke about taking things slowly (after I had sent him a a text saying I missed him and couldn't wait to see him again, which I think scared him) and after that everything was going fine, we got on really well, and we felt comfortable with each other.

Then out of the blue he said it wasn't sitting right with him and he felt like we had been in a relationahip for 3 years already!! And he finished it.

He also told me that he was seeing someone for a month in the summer but finished it cause he said things weren't working. He has got 2 girls from a 5 year relationship and 1 boy from the most recent one but has never married.

Is this guy a commitment phobic? Can you shed any light?

This is humming around in my brain all the time, was it me, what could I have done differently. I'm trying not to let my ISM beat me up but it's hard, I have lost my peace of mind completely!

Help!!

[Evanna]

(((Ouch Bella.))) Feelings really are horrid sometimes. I cant comment as to whether this guy is a commitment phobe but whatever this is for him, you sure as hell dont need it. You ask what you could have done differently, my guess is not much apart from pay attention to those warning signals that you obviously did pick up on to some extent early on in the relationship. They are real, learn from this and trust your antennae in the future.

From your post you seem a warm and considerate person. You really do deserve someone who will enjoy intimacy as much as you, someone who is affectionate and warm.

Be real kind to yourself right now and stick close to people who love you. This is a painful thing to happen at any time of year but right after Xmas is harsh. It is a difficult time of year without the extra grief that you are experiencing.

I am glad that you dont want to drink. That is brilliant news. Good on you lass.

Warmest hugs,
Evanna.

[bellaf]

Thanks so much Evanna! I think I was concentrating too much on being tolerant and accepting of him and foresaking my own needs! I really do feel I deserve someone who is warm and affectionate too, perhaps my HP saved me here! Everyone in AA has been brilliant and with their support I feel loved. I wish you you a happy new year!!

[lonlion]

Bellaf; Have you been clean for 6-12 months? I know that they say we should have some clean time behind us before being in a relationship, and experience has shown me the reasons for that.

We don't choose the healthiest partners when we are still active in drinking or using. Take this time to really get to know and love yourself. So much work to do on personal issues. It really is a healing time in so many ways. Once we are secure in ourselves than we attract healthier mates.

Love is a tricky business for us alcholic/addict types. All the best to you
Diana

[Evanna]

Happy New Year to you too Bella. Big hugs Evanna.