parenting help please

[jlo34]

Hi all. I've been sober for 13 1/2 years. My ex-husband has also been sober for about 12 years now. We have an 8 year old daughter. We are both remarried. (We separated/divorced) when she was 1 1/2 years old. She is showing so many red flags of pre-alcoholic behavior. We have caught her in lies. We have caught her cheating. We have caught her knieving. We have caught her stealing. She's a very intelligent, generally sweet girl. However, she doesn't express herself, she, like I, clam up and stuff. I'm really worried about her. I have taken just about every privilage away from her, with the exception of basketball, cause she really does need the exercise, bit overweight. We have confronted her, her teacher has confronted her, some other staff at school have confronter her, her father has confronted her. She was in counseling this past summer, the counselor found the obvious, and that was it. I don't know what else to do with her. I'm really afraid she's going to go through the hell that addiction and disease takes us through. I so don't want her to "waste" her life. I've tried everything I can think of, including prayer. I just don't know what else to do. Anyway, today I caught her on the internet and was looking at porn. Obviously all computer rights are gone. I guess I was a bit naive thinking we didn't need to put the parental controls on yet, boy was I wrong. By the time I had caught her she was on her 8-9th picture. I'm ready to yank my hair out, rather than maime her. Parenting sucks right now. She has a 2 1/2 year old sister from my current marriage that tends to get more attention than she does, but we try hard to give her quality attention and try to give her as much attention, but as any parent knows a 2 1/2 year old takes a lot of time away from the older siblings. Anyway, any suggestions or advice, help whatever, please share. I'm desparate to try and find a way to help this young girl, my daughter, get help before she ever picks up a substance.

Thanks in advance,
Jen

[Stephanie]

Hi Jen,

I can see how you would be concerned and it is wonderful that you are trying everything you can to help steer her in the right direction. I have had issues with my 10 yr old and his ADD and lately we have been looking into a private school where there is more personal attention focused on each child and whatever issues they are having are closely watched and referrals are made for assistance through counselors, Drs. etc.

If anything I would suggest continuing the couseling or perhaps looking into a new counselor. Sometimes issues take a while to reach the surface and having a safe outlet to talk sometimes brings it to the forefront.

[Evanna]

Hi Jen,
I know the agony of worrying about our children.

When it comes to my 11yr old son i have to be really wary of projecting my struggles, my issues, my childhood and my addiction onto him. It is very easy for me to slip into labelling him a problem child when actually the problems i am putting on to him are often not his but the ones i lived through. Once i start labelling him as a problem child in my mind it is rarely constructive to him or me. So i try to stay focused on the positive. This does not mean avoiding my responsibilities as a parent to try and guide him the best i can. It simply means that i have to remind myself he is not me and try not to project onto him. Right now he is not an out-of-control addict he is little boy who acts out sometimes.

Interestingly a lot of the behaviours you are describing my son went through at that age. I think it is a time when they are growing into there own and moving out yet not always equipped to deal with those changes. With new independence comes new insecurities. The best things i found were consistency, positive encouragement and plenty of one-to-one time. None of which are easy when you are a over-stretched mum.

Also he moved class around 9yrs old and had a new teacher who had a much more relaxed attitude. This made a huge difference to him as the new teacher focused much more on what he was good at rather than his more negative behaviours. He obviously felt better about himself and responded in turn.

Glad to report that he gets into far less scrapes these days.

I did a lot of reading around on the internet around this time which really helped me get through and went for counselling just for me. Having that regular space just for me helped me to keep perspective and to have a little more to give.

Oh and just for the record, i agree with Stephanie that you are doing great. Your caring alone will give your family a start in life that many of us didnt experience.

Hugs Evanna.

ps., i also found this site helpful as it has age specific parenting tips, expert help and lots of useful links; http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/homepag...12_30_2004.asp

[Jillc]

Hang in there.........have more faith in your child, maybe she will want to fulfill your expectations? she might be so deep in "bad" that she cant do good....... start looking at the good stuff........ even if its hard.........and hang in there (((hugs)))

[jlo34]

Thanks everyone for the reinforcement. My ex, my husband, my daughter and I have had some great talks with her since I first posted this. I have also had some great talks with my sponsor and a few AA women who've been at this spot.

Overall, she's a great kid. I think I am overly sensitive to her for many reasons; mainly because of the guilt of divorce, if that makes sense. I recently finished doing my 4th step and two 5th steps (one with each sponsor) and my issues began at her current age. Dealing with "those" issues and realizing SHE's not experiencing those issues has been difficult for me to differentiate. I am a bit clearer now. I have expressed to her my concerns for her, we both had a great cry, and have decided that unlike my mom, I am going to give her the information she "needs" so she doesn't go through puberty wondering and feeling the need to "find out", like I did.

She begins therapy, which we all agree (even her) will be beneficial next week. I feel better about being a parent (at this point!!!) and hope that I can be a good role model and parent for her. One of my biggest fears is that I will "lose" her - she'll slip through the cracks, but I feel (at this time) if I keep on keeping on, I can maintain a good knowledge and relationship with her.

I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. Thank God for prayer, I've been praying an awful lot, and God has filled me with serenity, peace, and calmness. I know I'm not the parent of the year, I just want to be the best parent I can be and like any parent, I don't want her to suffer, but I know with learning comes pain and growth. I just hope I will be able to let go when the time comes and be able to trust her and her judgment.

Thanks again all, any more suggestions would be great.
Love,
Jen

[Hopefloats]

Jen..we do the best we can, and after that remember NOT everything is in your control....although I feel it is good to be involved with our children and be open and aware.

I am one for positive reinforcement. I am not saying parents mean to do it.. but we can tend to just notice the bad.....and we forget about the good. Kids feed off the positive...and they feed off positive rewards for positive behaviors. I like that better than negative/punishment. We need more of the good reinforcement.

Just a thought...glad things are going better.
God Bless!!
Hopefloats