Am I being unfair? HOw would you handle this?

[Deb42]

I am in AA, 4 years sober. I just got out of a relationship with a heroin
addict last July. I am still grieving my X. (some background info) My x
left last January to go to rehab in another state. He was in rehab for
5 months. We stil talked daily on the phone. We broke up probably
2 months after he was in rehab. I didn't hear from him for about 2 months.
He graduated from rehab, went back out, robbed a place and called
me in June (OUT OF THE BLUE) and said 'I'm going back to prison"
and came home at my house (I live in a different state than the jail he's in NOW) stayed for a week, caused major HAVOC at my house
the week he was here before he turned himself in . He was evading the
law in NJ and came back here in Pa for a week. He finally turned
himself in and we talked on the phone for about 2 months and wrote
each other and then he broke it off completely (so I thought) when he
found out he was doing major time and told me to "move on". (I sent
him a dear JOhn letter the same day he sent me the "move on" letter.
So, I have only seen him personally 1 week out of the last year.
Probably in May I met a guy in AA I went to school with and
we started hanging out. We clicked. We were just friends. He was going
thru a bad time with his wife, he went back and all hell broke loose
and he ended it with her once and for all. Meantime we remained
friends and we shared our pain with our relationships (or lack of) with
each other. long story short, we decided to start dating. . .okay,
so right after thanksgiving. (he was living in some friends' basement)
the couple that he was staying with the girl up and threw her husband
out for another man and my boyfreind now said "I can't stay there, I feel
too uncomfotable. (he liked both of them and didn't want to get in the middle) God help me. I did a DUMB codie thing. . I allowed him to move
in with me. I have a TINY house. It's barely big enough for me
and I agreed that he couldn't stay where he was but really did NOT
want him to MOVE IN with me. I am NOT over my x. YES, I think the world
of this guy and I couldn't ask for anybody better and more supportive.
He was right by my side through the nervous breakdown he saw
me go through after my x went to prison. Everything was okay for the first
few weeks and NOW I can't stand having him in the house. WHen he first
moved in he was laid off for about 3 weeks. I am currently not working
and we spent so much time together, I'm burned out from his presence.
I don't know what happened. EVerything he does is getting under my skin.
I have been on my own for 4 years. I'm used to coming home to peace
and quiet. (let me add that he has his rotweller (spelling?) dog here
and he's HUGE. He takes up the itsy bitsy hallway when you first come
in the door. I'm constantly stepping over and around the dog.
I regret telling him he could stay here. I ONLY allowed him to move
in becuase he had nowhere else to go. He doesn't have his own
place. I wasn't READY to live with someone again. Besides certain
things that he does is just reminding me MORE of my x, who i'm not
over. Please don't laugh. His snoring is atrotious. He thrashes around
in the bed and bounces his legs off the mattress repeatedly. When he
naps, he snores SO loud. I end up coming downstairs on the couch,
(nightly) and cursing myself to sleep. I feel I was being "codie" when I let
him move in. I'm tired of cleaining the bathtub sometimes TWICE
a day after he takes a shower. I"M NOT ANYONE"S maid. I'm obsessive
compulsive after being alone for 4 years. I love dogs , I have one myself (small daschound) and they don't really get alone, which is stressing me out.
I like nice clean floors and his dog lays in the hallway all day long
and the floor is always covered with dog hairs and there's constantly
pieces of dog biscuits all over the floor. He doesn't care that
it looks like a PIG PEN when you first come in the door. I am SICK
of cleaning it up daily. I am SO angry that I can't sleep in my OWN
house and that's it's NOT clean like I used to have it spotless. I think
the world of this guy but my patience is run out. I am the kind of
person that I need a lot of me time. I enjoyed going out with him
but when he moved in . . to me . .everything got ruined.
My X HEroin addict bf lived here on and off for a year and he NEVER
got under my skin, except for his using. You was clean, neat, tidy,
so I"m afriad my now boyfreind might say, "what do you mean, you want to live alone, Matt was here for almost a year and you said
he never did anything to get on your nerves?" Also last week one
day, the phone rang in the morning and I was SOUND asleep and
it was my bf's dad, my bf and his dad don't get along that well
and my bf woke me up out of a SOUND sleep curing and yelling
at his dad. .i was so TICKED OFF. I do NOT want loud voices
and cursing in my house especially FIRST THING IN THE MORNING>
I have my own issues (nothing to do with him ) and MOST Of the time
I want to be left alone, I DON"T want to share about it, I DON"T want
to talk adn I don't want someone constantly asking me why I'm crying
or sleeping. . etc. THis guy treats me like a queen but I can't
handle living with him at this time. I have issues I need to deal with
ALONE. I don't NOT want him in my life, but I resnet the fact
that he put me on the spot to feel pressure to let him move in
when I think maybe he should have tried to get his own place.
I let him move in out of convenience for him. Yes , I told him I thought
the world of him but does that mean that it was right for him
to move in and invade MY SPACE . I have major depression
and I need time alone to sort throught my issues and him being
here is making it worse becuase I can't do things I need to to
take care of me. Am I being unfair? . What would you do?
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
This guy meant so much to me before he moved in and him trying
to help me is making me feel more helpess and more depressed.
I do NOT want to be rescued.btw, soon I have to get a job
and I kNOW I'm going to end up taking a job I hate just for income
and when I get home after work I'm going to be the biggest
unhappiest bitch and i don't want to pretend to be happy
and feel like I have to 'entertain" someone. I really NEED To be
alone right now and I don't know how to tell him.
Any suggestions how to handle this.
As I said, I feel like my house is a pigsty and I can't SLEEP in my own
house. I have turned postal becuase of this. HE works away Mon-THurs
but he gets laid off for weeks with no notice and I can't
take all this "both of us sitting around the house"
Deb

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by Deb42

i don't want to pretend to be happy

That is the line in your post that stuck out to me more than the dog, the bed, the yelling....no one should have to pretend to be happy.

Congrats on your 4 years, that is awesome.

Do something to take care of you!!! sit him down and tell him that it is not working and give him 30 days to find a new place, plain and simple. I am not saying it will be easy, but if that is what you want, you have to do it. You said you are in AA, get some support on this from your sponsor.

It is about boundaries, and I have a hard time with them to. But I did not get sober and I do not work daily on my recovery, to pretend that I am happy. I deserve to be happy and so do you.

[journeygal]

Hi Deb,

I agree with Paulie - take care of you! You are headed for a major blow up so before it comes to that, you might try writing down what you'd like to say to him in a calm matter so when you do talk to him, you will have thought everything out. I like Paulie's idea of giving him 30 days. You also need to have a plan B if 30 days comes and goes and he hasn't found a new place to live, like telling him you'll change the locks or something like that. Is that mean? No - you are just taking care of yourself. It's YOUR house and he's a grown man - he can take care of himself.

Good luck!
JG

[wenchris]

You are heading towards a painful session with this guy. It also sounds like you are pretty responsible where he is not. Use that great, responsible attitude and continue to care for yourself as you have in the part 4 years. I , too, would write down what I needed to say to this man without being afraid to tell him that you need to continue taking care of yourself and it has become impossible with him inside your personal boundaries. Write it down, read it to him and establish YOUR need to have him move on. You are responsible for you, you are not responsible for him.