How Do My Boyfriend?

[bree1982]

Hi everyone. I just found this website and I feel like this is my only place left to turn. I've been dating my boyfriend of and on since I was thirteen. I'm now 22 and he's 25. I come from a completely different world than him. I had a loving family and a good childhood, while he came from a broken home. His father was a crack head basically his whole lofe and is in and out of jail all the time, (he's actually in jail right now). My boyfriend John, has also been in and out of jail mostly due to DUI's. He has tackled his drinking prblem because I put my foot down and said no more, but now I fear the worst. He's been acting different for the past few months. I live with him now, we moved in together about three months ago. He's been leaving for a few days and not returning, only to act like it's no big deal. I get no explanation of where he is or what he is doing and that I'm not his mother so he doesn't see why he has to tell me or " ask permission " to stay out. This has been leading me to suspicions. His younger sister, she's 20, and his mother both are lazy unemployed, addicts. They would always lie for him when need be, and still do. I just recently found out that his sister went into rehab. She got out the other week, after being there for two months. She put herself in rehab, it wasn't forced it was her decision. I didn't know for what until yesterday when she told me it was for cocaine and crack. This shocked me. I 've been around her almost everyday for the past 3 years, I never saw her or suspected it. She than gave me the biggest low blow that I could've imagined. She told me that she was doing the drugs with her brother, my boyfriend, and that her mother and her fiance were the ones supplying it. I had my suspicions about my boyfriend doing drugs because there were rumors going on around town. I never caught him though. I confronted my botfriend many many times about it and he gets very irritable and mad. We fight often about this. I do believe that he is doing drugs but I know that he will never admit it to me because he's to embarrassed and afraid I'll leave him. He threatens to leave me if I don't stop accusing him, but I know that he won't. I'm very scared right now for him and myself. I'm a full time college student and have a full time job. Times are tough right now with money and he just recentley got laid off. I'm scared that something will happen to him and I will be in a huge rut. I love him more than life itself and I don't know what to do. I can't trust him around his qon family because now I know what kind of people they are. I always thought he was different. He never acted like his family and I can't understand why after twenty five years of living he would start now. He never ever did any drugs and always talked down about people that did. He had a horrible childhood and had alot of anger because of it. I need to know how I can help him. How do I help someone that doesn't admit that they are even doing drugs. All his friends and family do it with him. I'm all he has. Everyone else could care less about him. I feel like if I don't take care of him than who will? If I try to tell him to go to rehab or talk to a counselor he'll laugh at me. He's on probation and if his probation officer finds out, she will put him right back into jail, she won't put him somewhere to get help. This is something I feel I'm facing alone. What should I do? I won't give up on him, I love him to much and he is a great person. He's just haunted by a horrible childhood and doesn't understand what it's like to have someone actually care about him. Someone Please Help!!!

[Peter]

Hello Bree.

Your urgency and your desperation came across strong in your post.However I do not have much good news for you

Obviously your boyfriend is an addict and he has a lot of enablers.

If he is contemptuous enough to laugh at you when you try to help him then I am afraid there is very little you can do for him.

You invest a lot of energy worrying about his needs,but what about your own.

Have you ever heard of codependency?

I am a codependent and I often make the mistake of thinking people can't take care of themselves and that they will die without me.I too know what it feels like to be in love with an addict.

I know how it feels to sit up all night waiting for them to come home and how I jump at the slightest sound in the driveway.

I know the sickening anxiety.

I have no doubt that you have strong feelings for this man but the truth is HE HAS TO WANT TO HELP HIMSELF.

You can support and encourage him but you cannot "save" him.

Relationships are based on mutual partnership.What does he bring to the table?

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself.Try going to some Naranon meetings.They do not have a magic pill to fix your boyfriend but they can make some good suggestions on how to help you cope with the problem.

I wish you luck.

[ahcb]

Bree,
One way to cope with this is simply to LEAVE. Lordy, you are 22. Help will only come when he decides he needs the help. I would suggest you to look at the situation. You are insisting that you stay with a man who lies, and laughs in your face. His family is practicaly doing the same.

Find someone who will be there for you. Go and get your self respect back and increase you self esteem. You DESERVE better.

[ButterflyChaser]

I totally agree to what Peter just said....I wish you luck. Take care of YOU 1st & always, you are all that YOU've got! (((bree)))))

[derbywife27]

I went through that for a year before i got fed up and left, They will only stop when THEY want to, No amount of threats will ever work. Its very hard to step back, Ive only been here ar SR for a short time but they great people here have already lifted a huge cloud off of me. My prayers are with you, hang in there.