Desperate love obsession

[Cagney]

I've just discovered this forum and I'm so relieved to find I'm not alone in the way I have been feeling.

I have a long history of developing obsessive attachments to other women, the last of which started when I was 16 and was on a college tutor. I developed such intense feelings for her and believed she was the one person in this world who could give me the love and acceptance I yearn for.

I'm now 35 and have held on to these feelings for her all these years. I haven't had much contact with her since leaving college, only by letters which she ended earlier this year. When this happened my world fell apart and I found myself in a deep depression.

Whilst looking for a way through my depression, I joined a couple of forums for people with depression, which have helped me enormously. The problem now is that I have developed a huge attachment to someone on one of the forums. I joined in July and almost from the very start I had these feelings for her, just from reading what she had written to other people and I was desperate for contact with her myself. After about a week she wrote a message on my thread and the whole thing has developed from there.

I have wanted more and more contact with her. This woman is an administrator on the forum and also a therapist. The 'relationship' started off with her supporting me through replying to posts on the forum. At the end of August, she went away on holiday for two weeks and I completely went to pieces. I couldn't function without her. If it hadn't been for support from members of my other forum I don't know how I would have got through this time.

When she returned in September I was even more desperate for her attention. I started, and have continued, writing to her by private messages. The number gradually increased and until recently I had been sending numerous messages each day. A short while ago, when I was feeling really down one day, I wrote and poured my heart out to her, admitting everything. It turned out that she already suspected that I had feelings for her and had recognised the obsessiveness.

She has been great and hasn't changed towards me at all. In fact, she is trying to help me through this. I have huge fears of being rejected and I'm so ashamed of the way I behave a lot of the time. With her help I am trying to get control of this obsession. I have agreed to limit myself to one message a day to her, although if a day goes by when I don't hear from her I frequently give in and write to her again.

I am so scared of losing her altogether, even though she has reasurred me time and time again that she isn't going anywhere and she is with me in working through this. All that matters to me is receiving her love and approval and I spend hours on the internet waiting for messages from her. I get really depressed and experience great emotional turmoil when I do not hear from her. I start to believe that I have done something wrong to upset her or cause her to be annoyed with me. I also have nightmares and panic that something dreadful has happened to her and that I have lost her forever. I get so low that I am unable to cope and feel suicidal. It doesn't matter how many times someone tells me that she is fine and there is a perfectly rational reason why I haven't heard from her, I still panic and can't believe anything other than I have lost her.

At the moment I am in a real panic about Christmas and coping with not hearing from her. I don't know how long it will be between messages. I struggle with no contact for more than one day at the moment, so how am I going to cope? She has told me she isn't going away for Christmas but she doesn't know when she will be logging on to the forum and will be able to reply. I am in such a state about this.

I'm not sure if my story is true obsessive love because I have never been in a relationship with the women I become obsessive about. I am not even sure what I want to happen. The women I develop feelings for are always unavailable, more like people I admire and look up to. But I still feel that I can't live without her.

I don't know how to cope with this anymore or what to do. I would really appreciate some help.

Cagney

[journeygal]

Hi Cagney and welcome.

Love obsession does not just involve people we have romantic relationships with. We can develop unhealthy attachments to anyone - friends, therapists, teachers, etc. You recognize that your feelings for this woman are very intense and they may worsen over time. I would suggest professional counseling to help you begin dealing with the obsessive thoughts.

As you've probably read, I've also suffered from love obsession. Therapy and attending codependents anonymous meetings have helped me tremendously.

Your life will not end if you were to never hear from this woman again, and you are worthy of having a healthy, reciprocal love relationship. You do not have to settle or pine for unavailable women. Try to focus on being good to yourself, learning to love yourself, and getting healthy so when the right person comes along, whoever she is, you'll be ready. It's not an easy journey, but you can do it!

I'm glad you found us - keep coming back.

Take care,
JG

[Cagney]

Hi JG

Thank you for the welcome.

My feelings for her have been steadily becoming more intense since July when I first had contact with her. I already have extremely intense feelings for her and I'm finding it really difficult to cope at the moment.

She has recommended a therapist who I hope to arrange to see in the New Year.

Therapy and attending codependents anonymous meetings have helped me tremendously.

Is codependents anonymous a USA group? I'm in the UK.

I really do believe that my life will end if I never hear from her again. I have spent this evening in tears at the thought of not hearing from her tomorrow and then with Christmas coming up I don't know how often, if at all, I will hear from her and I can't cope. She is everything to me and without her my life has no meaning.

I suppose at the heart of this problem is the fact that I don't believe I am worthy of being loved. I don't even like myself. I have never been in a relationship with anyone and can't see that I ever will. My family are very homophobic and have said some terrible things to me in the past, when they knew about the feelings I had for a tutor at college.

I'm really not even sure that what I feel her this woman is romantic in nature. I know that she accepts me for who I am and cares about me. Someone said I run to her for safety which I suppose I do. I don't think I can survive without her.

Cagney

[Time2Surrender]

We have to love ourselves before we can love others.And we can survive without anyone.i looked for codependence Anonymous in the UK and heres what I found http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/26739403/ http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/26739403/

[Tiro]

Cagney, take a deep breath and pause for a moment.

You CAN and you WILL survive without this woman.

I know how serious codependency is. I am one myself.

I too have an insatiable appetite for "constant positive attention".I need constant assuarance from the people I care about and when it is not forthcoming I feel like I AM GOING TO DIE.

Fear of abandonment is my greatest fear.I would rather face a dungeon full of dragons than to be alone.

I hope you will seriously consider going to CODA meetings or to find a counsellor.I have both and they have helped me tremendously to deal with my obsession with others.

My neediness often makes the other person feel "smothered" which forces them to pull away causing me to feel even more desperate.

Educate yourself as much as you can about codependence and love addiction.

Knowledge has been the gretaest source of relief for me and I think it can help you too.

[Cagney]

Hi Tiro

Thanks for your post. I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me that I can and will survive without this woman, yet I still feel unable to believe it. I didn't sleep at all last night worrying that I wouldn't hear from her today, which I didn't. I keep breaking down and crying and I feel like my world is falling apart. I've been upset today because I saw she had posted on the forum but had not answered my message. I'm also panicking that tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I don't know when my next contact with her will be.

Originally Posted by Tiro

I know how serious codependency is. I am one myself.

I'm a bit confused about codependency and if I have this. I recognise the love obsession/addiction. Can someone explain what codependency is?

Originally Posted by Tiro

I need constant assuarance from the people I care about and when it is not forthcoming I feel like I AM GOING TO DIE.

Fear of abandonment is my greatest fear.I would rather face a dungeon full of dragons than to be alone.

This is true for me too. I feel I need constant reassurance from her and I honestly believe I will die if I don't get it from her. It doesn't matter what anyone else says to me because she is the only one that I need these assurances from.

I also have a big fear of abandonment and rejection. The worst part is that it is my behaviour which has caused people to reject and abandon me in the past. I recognise my behaviour can be suffocating for the person and I end up driving them away. I am petrified of doing it again.

I don't think I can go to a CODA meeting. There aren't any that are close to me and I also have social phobia so being a in group meeting situation is not possible for me. I am trying to find a way of seeing a therapist.

I have been trying to read up about love addiction and have read a couple of books and been trying to find information on the internet. I've yet to find any solutions that can help me break free of this.

Cagney


Thanks for the links Time2Surrender

[Cagney]

Can anyone advise me on the best type of therapy for this problem? I'm really struggling to see a way through this and I've been feeling suicidal.

I am in the UK and would appreciate any advice.

[Gabe]

Cagney, try this site for starters.
http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html
I am not familiar with therapy options in the UK.
There is a number on this site for suicide prevention in the UK.
They may be able to advise you further.
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.
I will say a prayer for you.

[Cagney]

Thanks Gabe. I know there are people to talk to about suicide. What I really need to know is the best way to treat my love obsession because it's the distress my feelings about this are causing that it making me feel suicidal. I really need some help with this.

Cagney

[Tiro]

I apologize for the late reply.

In as few words as possible: I am a codependent because I am dependent on other people to feel good about myself.I need to have someone to "take care of" to have a sense of self worth.

Cagney I do hope you are ok.I notice you have not posted in a while.

[Andy F]

Hi Cagney

If you go to www.psychotherapy.ork.uk this is the site for the UK counsel of pyschotherapists. There will be a list of well trained psychotherapists in all areas.

Just a few thoughts. It is normal, in my view, to want to be loved and liked. It is only the extremes that cause problems. I say this because to address my own vulnerability I tried to then go to the opposite extreme of not needing, wanting or relying upon anyone. Which was also unhelpful.

For me, these matters are not physical, genetic or unchangable problems. The problem is in what I think and believe. My problem is caused by how I perceive the situation. The problem and therefore the pain is created by my mind. It is no less painful for this, but the good thing is that the problem emanates from and therefore can be rectified within my mind. I am not beyond help. Just need a little (or a lot) of educated, trained guidance or help.

If I say 'I can't' do something, cope with something etc. then that's how it will be because I have decided this. Based of course on my logic which will have to be challenged. My heart was broken because of the untrue beliefs I was holding about myself and how things should be. Most of my unhelpful ways of thinking are automatic now. That is I learnt them long ago and now they spring to mind very quickly without real effort on my part. It is now even hard to spot those thoughts. Happy one minute - bang - down the next.

My thoughts and feelings are not beyond helpful change, but I did need professional guidance and to be persistant.

regards

Andy F

[Andy F]

Hi Cagney

The web address above should have read www.psychotherapy.org.uk.

One final thought. I had huge feelings of adoration for a psychotherapist and it was a non-starter between us. One of the things I did was to take the 'Is the glass half full or half empty analogy'. I was focusing on what I didn't have with this woman to the exclusion of what I did have. To be fair, whilst I didn't have an exclusive, romanticor sexual relationship with this woman, I did have an intimate relationship with her. I had at least known her, been somewhat accepted by her and had shared in her life. So was I going to view the glass as half full or half empty or both?

[SusanD]

Hi Cagney,

I get the sense that you are in pain and empathize with your struggle. Your problem is not uncommon--many people contend with love "obsessions" and related attachment issues. I think Andy F. did a good job of normalizing your experiences and emotions. He is right--you have the power to create the change you desire. Your post indicates that you are very insightful. This means you have a good prognosis.

Cognitive-behaviorial therapy, with a therapist trained in CBT, has good results for obsessive thinking and anxiety in general. CBT involves retraining your thoughts--similar to what Andy F. was describing above. Psychoanalysis (by a trained psychoanalyst) might also be helpful, especially around attachment issues. Given your presenting problems, I am wondering if a male therapist might be more effective?

[Peter]

Yo Cagney? You still there?

[ihelpkids]

I too become desperately attached to women who are not available. What keeps me going is the fantasy that I will somehow say just the right thing at just the right time and she will suddenly see that I am the one for her. That's how it works in the movies, but it has never worked for me in real life.

Despite this knowledge I still am desperately in love with someone who loves me as a friend. I am married (not to her) and she is engaged. Great, huh?

While I joke some about my situation, it is something that is presently tearing me up inside. I called her a couple times at the end of the week, she never returned my calls. Even though she and I had spent a great deal of time together at the beginning of the week, her sudden "disappearnace" upsets me. She left town for the weekend (this weekend) with her fiancee - it would be difficult to get a hold of her.

Her calling me several times a day, every day for a period of time, followed by a period of a few days in which it is impossible to get a hold of her really upsets me. Especially when I am with a mutual friend whom she calls several times that day and I can't get her to call or e-mail me. I know that she does this with lots of people, even her parents and her fiancee, but it still hurts my feelings, makes me feel rejected, and sends me into a tailspin of worry, angst, and obssession. She also reassures me that I can trust that she is never going to disappear, but it still upsets me. Feel a little crazy right now, wanting to try and contact her even though that would be a dumb idea. My thinking is that if I could just get a hold of her I would feel ok again; which is true. I hate that my sense of well being is so dependent upon contact with her and reassurance from her. Even though I know that this is a crisis of my own creation, it sure doesn't feel like it.

P.S. Yes, she does know that I am in love with her. She and I have talked several times about that and she is ok with it.

[Gabe]

Ihelpkids,
I've got a question for you.
Think on it a bit.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
It sounds like you're wanting what you can't have.
So what keeps you hooked?
I'm not asking this to be a pain in the ass.
I think a lot of people find themselves in similar relationships.
I'm wondering why, when they aren't getting what they want, they stay anyway.

[ihelpkids]

Originally Posted by Gabe

Ihelpkids,
I've got a question for you.
Think on it a bit.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
It sounds like you're wanting what you can't have.
So what keeps you hooked?
I'm not asking this to be a pain in the ass.
I think a lot of people find themselves in similar relationships.
I'm wondering why, when they aren't getting what they want, they stay anyway.

Gabe,

I appreciate the question. What I get out of it is that she has treated me with unconditional kindness and caring. She always assumes the best in me and automatically gives me the benefit of the doubt. I have not had that before.

[Gabe]

Wow, that's an amazing thing to get from someone.
I can see why that might keep you hooked, even when you can't have the rest of it.
I have friends like that. And I treasure them.
But I couldn't exist on only that in a love relationship.
For me, love isn't about obsessing over something that someone gives me that I haven't had before.
It's more than that.
And trust me, it took me years to figure this out.
For me, love has to be mutual.
What I give has to be as good as what I get.
Otherwise, it's all out of balance and it just doesn't feel good, right or true.

[ihelpkids]

Gabe,

Thank you for your feedback, it helps. I posted a long reply to another member's feedback under the "obsessive love" topic. It's on page four at the end, if you want to read it.

Thanks!

[a_guy]

Cagney, I sympathize totally with your situation.

I'm a married guy and I love my wife and want to stay with her. But unfortunately, I've developed a very severe obsession with the woman who leads a rock band I've been playing in. All along she had been very friendly to me and we worked well together, rehearsing for hours twice a week and having lots of fun. These rehearsals were the high point of my life and I found myself thinking of her all the time. About 5 weeks ago I could stand it no longer and confessed my feelings for her in an email. She responded by being freaked out. She went from being warm and friendly, to being cold and distant. And she stopped playing music with me.

This plunged me into the deepest, darkest depression of my life.

Like you, I check my email many times a day hoping to hear from her, but now she writes less than once a week, and then it might be just two sentences.

The non-stop obsessing, the panic and desperation, the hopelessness, the feelings of rejection and abandonment and of being unlovable, the restless sleepless tear-stained nights, the thoughts of suicide as relief from suffering -- I have it all.

The depression has been paralyzing and debilitating. I'm unemployed and should be looking for a job. Instead I'm spending hours on the web trying to see if other people suffer as I do. That's how I happened across your posting, Cagney. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best, and I hope you let me know what's happening with you.

[US girl]

Hi All,

Well, I know that this is the internet, so I will be a little inhibited in what I share. I am a person that likes to be very open, so it will be difficult to not disclose everything. I just have this irrational fear that the person I am obsessed/infatuated with would somehow find this.

I have a friendship with a man quite a bit older than me. He is painfully attractive. That is, he is so attractive that it has caused me to be in the state that I am in. Also, the fact that he is usually, though not always, very warm and caring, contributes to my infatuation. He is divorced, luckily, so this is not "illegal" in a sense. Also, I am over 18, so it is not bizarre.

He has flirted with me intensely at times (that is "gazed" at me with his eyes in a penetrating way) and done some mutual smiling and staring into each other's eyes. I know deep down he likes me. I also know that he must be aware that I have a "thing" for him. The problem is that I think about him ALL THE TIME!!! Every waking moment! (Of course, I have some other obsessions, and naturally, I have normal life that I sometimes have to attend to). But no matter what I'm doing, he's on my mind. I look at celebrities, and I don't find any of them as attractive as I consider him to be. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship, because I'm so in LOVE with him! Even though I know that he is not in love with me, nor does he want to go any farther than friendship--I'm still obsessed/infatuated.

Whenever he is distant or does something to make me mad, I react irrationally. A few nights ago, I overdosed on prescription medications because I felt that he did not care about me based on how he had acted in the past week. Now he seems to be very concerned about me and e-mailed me several times today. I can never reveal to him how I feel, (that I'm obsessed/infatuated, or even, that I LOVE him!!) although some of my affection is undoubtedly apparent.

I am miserable. I was crying a lot tonight, and I usually never cry. I feel like the world is empty and that everything is meaningless. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I don't know how I will ever find a man in my life, and even if I do, I don't know if I will be able to love him the way I love THIS man.

Sorry this was so long. I could cover so much more, but that is probably the most anonymous I can make this. I do see a therapist, but because of some insurance issues, I haven't seen her for a few weeks and don't know when I will see her again. I am in DESPERATE need of some professional help! (I guess that is true, especially since I am coming off of what was kind of a suicide attempt!)
If anyone can offer any suggestions to ease my broken, longing, saddened heart, I would be deeply grateful. It made me feel a lot better to read what everyone else had to write and to see that I am not alone. I hope that all of you can find a way to make it through your struggles. Romantic obsession is so painful! And it's hard to get through a day when all you can thing about is one thing---him. (or for some of you--her).

[US girl]

Hi All,

Well, I know that this is the internet, so I will be a little inhibited in what I share. I am a person that likes to be very open, so it will be difficult to not disclose everything. I just have this irrational fear that the person I am obsessed/infatuated with would somehow find this.

I have a friendship with a man quite a bit older than me. He is painfully attractive. That is, he is so attractive that it has caused me to be in the state that I am in. Also, the fact that he is usually, though not always, very warm and caring, contributes to my infatuation. He is divorced, luckily, so this is not "illegal" in a sense. Also, I am over 18, so it is not bizarre.

He has flirted with me intensely at times (that is "gazed" at me with his eyes in a penetrating way) and done some mutual smiling and staring into each other's eyes. I know deep down he likes me. I also know that he must be aware that I have a "thing" for him. The problem is that I think about him ALL THE TIME!!! Every waking moment! (Of course, I have some other obsessions, and naturally, I have normal life that I sometimes have to attend to). But no matter what I'm doing, he's on my mind. I look at celebrities, and I don't find any of them as attractive as I consider him to be. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship, because I'm so in LOVE with him! Even though I know that he is not in love with me, nor does he want to go any farther than friendship--I'm still obsessed/infatuated.

Whenever he is distant or does something to make me mad, I react irrationally. A few nights ago, I overdosed on prescription medications because I felt that he did not care about me based on how he had acted in the past week. Now he seems to be very concerned about me and e-mailed me several times today. I can never reveal to him how I feel, (that I'm obsessed/infatuated, or even, that I LOVE him!!) although some of my affection is undoubtedly apparent.

I am miserable. I was crying a lot tonight, and I usually never cry. I feel like the world is empty and that everything is meaningless. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I don't know how I will ever find a man in my life, and even if I do, I don't know if I will be able to love him the way I love THIS man.

Sorry this was so long. I could cover so much more, but that is probably the most anonymous I can make this. I do see a therapist, but because of some insurance issues, I haven't seen her for a few weeks and don't know when I will see her again. I am in DESPERATE need of some professional help! (I guess that is true, especially since I am coming off of what was kind of a suicide attempt!)

If anyone can offer any suggestions to ease my broken, longing, saddened heart, I would be deeply grateful. It made me feel a lot better to read what everyone else had to write and to see that I am not alone. I hope that all of you can find a way to make it through your struggles. Romantic obsession is so painful! And it's hard to get through a day when all you can thing about is one thing---him. (or for some of you--her).