To send or not to send a gift

[EdLova]

Hi guys I posted in another thread with my ex gf addict drama..Just thinking about sending her a card or giving her a small gift for xmas. I bought a card and wrote some heartfelt stuff on it and debating whether or not to send it..I don't want to reopen the wound..I'm healing ever since she decided she didn't wanna talk to me anymore cause she wants to sell drugs and I want to stay sober and not get into that mess..I played the text message game w her a couple days ago and told her I missed her but since then really we havent said anything to eachother..Id like to keep that boundary and that dignity and stand by my word..I still care about her and miss her very much..It's a lonely xmas without her and my birthday is coming this tuesday..I think about her everyday..I just want to give her something for xmas..should I or no?

what would u guys do if you were in a similar situation

[PrincessB]

EdLova, I feel for you! I'm in the same quandry myself! Christmas puts so much pressure on everyone that it means as much if you don't buy a gift as it does if you do! Look very carefully at your motivations before you do anything! Giving is NEVER selfless - even Mother Theresa probably acted for her own self-interests sometimes!

I think if I sent a gift it would be because I want to show I care but also slightly because I want to remind him of me and hope he'll change so we can have a functional relationship again BUT this is not going to happen - he can only recover as fast as he can and nothing I do can change that. SO - I'm just going to send a card telling him that he's fantasic and that I admire and have faith in him and make sure I'm not hinting at anything more complicated than that. If I can boost his self-confidence without raising any guilt issues I will have succeeded in my mission.

Sorry for the ramble - hope this helps slightly! Good luck!

[EdLova]

So I should leave out all the "I love you" "I think you are truly special" yadda yadda and just be like "OK Merry Xmas Im here for you kinda deal.." In other words not make it too lovey dovey just make it so that its simple to the point and not overtly needy..eventhough I truly feel like I "need" her..so very objective and almost like a xmas card from a boss..lol...NICE! haha jk

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi Ed.

Is it possible for you to send any card and message with ZERO expectations?

I will never ever be "There" for Dino again. I will be Here. Living my life for me. And I will not be Here "for him" either. But he's welcome Here as long as he doesn't bring There with him. He got that message when I stopped going "there". Not when I said I was stopping. When I stopped.

The fact that you are in a quandry over whether or not to send this card, or what magic thing you should say on it, suggests to me that you are worrying about the effect it is going to make. That you may be, even in some subtle way, trying to change her. Maybe you are not far enough along in your recovery to be able to let go of all such attempts, and that's okay. The suffering, even minor, you may have as a result of not making the hoped for impact could be the thing that helps you to the next rung of the recovery ladder. Or maybe your question here means you are ready to let go and want confirmation that it's the right thing to do. If so... it's okay to not send her a darn thing. It's okay to send a Santa card and say "Happy Holidays, Ed." It's okay to write the mushiest, most heartfelt message in the history of codependency and take it outside, burn it and send it out to the universe. (Purge baby, purge.) It's not your responsibility to take care of her at Christmas. This Christmas, it's your responsibility to take care of yourself.

Big Christmas Hugs!
Smoke

[virgovixen]

My heart always wins out over my head, I'd probably send the card. Of course you care about her, you can let her know that and still keep within your boundries. Just be prepared if she tries to use this as a way to get back in. Stick to your boundries. My ABF is in detox right now, but will be coming home on 12/26, I struggled with what to get him if anything at all. I ended up buying him a Bible to remember that he can always turn to his higher power for strength and guidance, and I found a book called Keep it Simple, daily meditaions for anyone in recovery, it's based on the 12 steps. This is my way of saying I care about him and support him as long as he is in recovery. Hang in there, we are all in the same boat. Happy Holidays!

[liveweyerd]

I would simply send a Merry Christmas card and sign my name.

On the keep it simple principle.

[EdLova]

Today I bought two gift certificates from Victoria's secret for my ex gf and I wrote a heartfelt xmas card letter and was wandering the mall thinking of what ELSE I could get her and then I came home confused, anxious, and frustrated at the thought of how I was going to give it to her, the insane thinking began to return and I prayed..asked God for some guidance, some strength, and some direction to do whats right...then I went out with full intent on giving my ex gf these gifts and a thought suddenly came to me.."waitaminute...."

I paused and reflected upon all the times she ever did anything for me..And I couldnt think of ONE thing she ever did for me that I felt deserved a gift that could top the greatest gift I ever I gave her--love..And I never got anything in return for that...So empty I was..Something in me awoke..So I opened up the letter and put each gift card in seperate xmas cards addressed to my SISTERS (who have been there for me MORE) and burned the heartfelt xmas card letter that I wrote to her..Eventhough it did cost me $5..

My energy and time is truly needed elsewhere...I like the simple "happy Holidays" message..I dont even have to tell her anything anymore..I dont have to dramatize myself to her ANYMORE..All I have to do is keep on and enjoy whatever God gives me...I'm tired of hurting..I'm tired of praying for her..I'm tired of wasting my energy hoping that she will one day come back to me...



I am trying not to drift into it or think about it much..But I would truly like to get past this..

[JT]

Oh My!! That was close!!

I am happy for you even when it is hard for you to be happy for yourself!

Hugs,
JT

[Paulie]

I love those 'waitaminute' moments.

[frankly]

Clap, Clap, Clap Clap, Bravo! Thank you Ed. I know how hard that was. I know the pull that you feel right now. Your resolve helps me hold my resolve.

Hugs
Ms. B

[journeygal]

:great

[wis2no]

I sent cards to my ex's mother and father, but I really am not going to have any contact with her (and, unfortunately, her daughter)for some time. Any contact between us, other than how are payments going to be made, will have to come from her, and I really don't expect any. She is convinced, I'm sure, that her legal problems and job losses are my fault. Until she accepts her addiction and the consequences for her actions, our rapport will be minimal, and I am more and more O.K. with that. We all have different situations and approaches, which are like a meeting, take what you can use and leave the rest. wis2no