Family Dynamics

[Cando]

I have noticed over the years in my family that the codies can cause as much of a problem as the A's. Aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. almost always seem to be in denial that anyone in my immediate family has a drinking problem. This makes it much more difficult for the person living with the problem drinker. Which is another reason Alanon is important. I have never had any support from any member of my family, whether they are drinking or not. Anyone else experienced this?

[StandingStrong]

Though it's not the same thing exactly, I can somewhat relate to what you are saying. While my family was always supportive of me, they never understood why I stayed with my AH. They have said they like him, but they don't understand him. And after our breakup, they have now said they are also disappointed in him.
From his side of the family, they always said that they understood how I felt when I went through my phases of kicking AH out. They always said they supported me and the kids in my decision whatever that may be.
However, since our breakup, his family has pretty much wrote me off. They believe that since he's quit drinking that all should be well in our relationship now. Only AH's sister seems to admit that she can see the whole picture. His parents go in and out of denial of the problems that are there and FIL makes me out to be the bad guy most of the time. I tend to just stay away from them as it makes my life easier. I cannot make them see the truth - and I don't even care too anymore. We all have to deal with our own thoughts and feelings.
But my point that I was trying to get too is that I think in many ways, his parents denial of the situation is part of the problem. While I understand they feel they can't lecture him or take control of his life as he's an adult, I see many ways in which they enable him to not make improvements in his life. Sadly, what I see - is that he's on "good behaviour" as he lives there - and that they pretty much ignore the situation, and make things easy for him - just like I did for so long.
I can only tell you this much, I am not going to enable him anymore. Even when I have the thoughts and desires too, I won't!!!! I will not be a part of the problem. But until people see themselves as part of the problem, they won't be part of the solution.

[Cando]

This is a good example of how this problem is not just between two people. I think it filters out to the entire family on both sides, which includes all of the cousins and 2nd cousins,etc. It took me a long time to see this. Much of my family is on the side of the alcoholics. I have cousins who deny certain people are A's. So, sometimes we even have to detach from distant family.