Need some insight

[Chuckles101301]

I have not posted much and I am still fairly new to the message board thing, but I am looking for some insight into my relationship with my AH. My AH has been sober for 60+ days and has been home from treatment for about a month. I am an active member of an anon group and find the members of my group are a great source of information. The group is small though and I am looking for more people that have the same story as me. I have read many posts and I feel the input is valuable on this board. My AH and I attend open AA meetings together and he is working on his 90 in 90. The problem is this....since he has been home from treatment we really have more highs and lows than we did when he was drinking. Things seem to cycle a lot quicker. Before he would rage until he was abusive and he no longer is abusive to me physically which I am thankful for, but the moodiness is hard to bear. I know that alcoholism is a disease and a ton of this is probably related to him withdrawing, as studies have shown that there can be symtoms for up to a year after becoming sober. I am having difficulty with the feeling that I need to change faster than him in order to avert many of the arguments that we have. Does that make sense? I am working my program and changing my poor relationship and personal habits, but I do not feel that it is fast enough for him. For example, I am a nagger and I am trying to really cut this out, but if I slip and relapse, he gets angry and says I am not going to change and we are at square one again. I honestly feel that he believes that his is the bigger burden to bear and he is sacrificing so much for our marriage and that my active involvement attempting to better myself is just side-line work. Other people have noticed changes in me, significant changes in me...everyone except my AH who insists that I am doing nothing significant to change myself.

The other night he was telling me what I was doing wrong and then he had the nerve to say that I should just focus on myself in the same breath. I was very annoyed at the thought that I should be focusing on me and he should be focusing on me as well. When does he focus on himself?

Things have gotten better in some areas. We are both apologizing to each other much more for the things we do or say that offend the other and I believe this is a good step. However, when he apologizes to me, I accept and then things move on, but when I apologize to him, he accepts but then will hold a grudge. I can't seem to win. Gosh, I really sound like I am whining.

So...do I have a point....I think so....

My AH told me the other day that he does not feel close to me and he does not feel comfortable talking with me about anything (he emphasized that it isn't a trust issue it is a comfort issue), to which I replied that fine I did not feel comfortable making love to someone that can't have a conversation with me. I realize that this was harsh, but he actually told me that he would not talk with me about finances, kids, house stuff, or his job loss among other things that are related to a marriage. I was really upset because he still feels comfortable having sex. Does anyone else get this? I know men and women are different in these issues, but come on! Communication is very key to any relationship. I am really angry because I haven't felt comfortable having sex for a long time because of drinking and other issues, but I have continued to do so because we are married and sex is important to a marriage, for both partners to feel close and stay connected.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how I could deal with this? We have things that we need to talk about....as I am currently the only one earning income, he has child support to pay and unemployment was denied due to job loss circumstances, we have a young child together and life continues to go on. I am bending over backward to help him deal with these issues (he is doing the dealing, but I am supporting and working out the financial stuff). How do you work with a person who is on a day-by-day basis when there are future decisions that need to be made ahead of time. Also, I am having a lot of anxiety over the fact that if I were not here to bear the brunt of his financial burden, how could he or would he possibly be able to carry on with his program as they suggested that he get things in order before working? I get upset every time he buys cigarettes because he has no income, but he has been advised not to quit at this point and therefore I must pay for this habit when we need to feed our children and keep a roof over our heads. I guess this has turned into more of a rant, but I am wondering how to relearn our relationship with him sober and do so without losing the people that we want to become? Thanks for any guidance or advice for how to co-exist after treatment.

[journeygal]

Hi Chuckles,

Well, I wish I had some good news for you. But early recovery is very hard. The last time my husband went through treatment, it was about 6 months before he got through the initial depression, and it took over a year for him to become responsible for financial decisions and really contributing to the house. Meanwhile, I had to keep taking care of myself and the house and it was really tough.

Changes will not happen overnight, for either one of you. Just try to stay focused on keeping your side of the street clean and hopefully your husband will do the same.

Hang in there,
JG

[smoke gets in my eyes]

((( Chuckles! )))

I don't have any good news either, except that I hear you and understand. Dino did a whole lot of his recovering elsewhere but it did feel, when he was around, that I had to be all better already in order for him to be safe around me. I finally decided to heck with that, but that is much harder for married people. He could flee me. And he often did. It's a shame everyone can't do it that way. Sort of go away and come back when everybody's a little saner.

Hugs,
Smoke

[JT]

Me?? I don't have anything to say at all...I never lived with a recovering alcoholic. But I want to welcome you and invite you over to the anon boards. There are people there who have been where you are.

Hugs,
JT

[Peter]

The initial months into recovery can be very trying and it takes a lot of patience and understanding between two people to make it work.

If you are both not communicating then it may be best if you arrange to meet with a marriage counsellor.

[ahcb]

Chuckles,

I will come at it from a different angle. It is not me but my wife in recovery. It has been 13 months (yeah) and it still is odd sometimes. For years and years I dealt one way with her and her with me. Now it is different. They want to move on (as they should) but I want a little acknowledgement of the train wreck over the last 10 years.

In truth, an A will eventually die, if he/she does not go in recovery. I rather have her recoverd and sometimes difficult than the way it was in the past. My advice is just to riride it out for a while. The whole 90 in 90 is tough. The idea that they have to change something they have beed doing for Years and Years must be daunting to them. I hope it works out..
P.S. about the sex thing, being male I can honestly say that most men would not see thier wife trying to kill them as a reason NOT to have sex.