Questions about Parenting with an addict

[redrum]

I have been divorced for over ten years, but had a successfull co-parenting relationship with my ex until the last year. He has admitted to his meth addiction, and despited my suport he continues to use. Recently he has lost a $100K year business, his porche re-poed, his rental home is now leaned by several people, and he is in the process of losing the house he is living in. His 13 year old has seen him in states of dellusional thinking and severe paranoia, and has not been allowed to be alone with him for the last year. He comes by and visits when he feels like it, and is inconsistant (Surprise!). He says that he is going to get help, but always has a story about why he can't go yet. I am wondering if it is even good for him to be having a relationship at all with him? My biggest concern is that I don't want my son at 30 years old blaming me for him not being able to see his father, but I feel like if maybe his father loses this too he will begin to look a little more at how much he needs that help. I also worry about the influence and message it sends to our son. Our son is at the age where he doesn't want to talk about it much, and is ashamed since we live in a small town. Once his fathers business was closed down everyone was talking about it, including the kids in school.I initially wanted to keep the fact that his father was an addict from him, but the things that he was seeing his father do were scaring him. He was asking me if his father was mentally ill.

I don't know what to do. I have given his father all of the information and applications to get into treatment but he does nothing. The worst part is that I have lost a substantial amount of support money and no longer can provide for things that I could before - and my son and I both know why. No income, no support. This has been a hardship for our home as a single parent/child, but we are scraping by. The level of anger and hate that wells up in me sometimes toward his father is almost scary!

Anyhow, I am rambling, but I would love to hear from others what they think about this situation. I am lucky that I have the basics of co-dependency so I don't cover for him, and was happy to tell the tax man where he was, but the level of frustration is overwhelming. Please respond if this is anything that looks familar to anyone...or any suggestions are welcome too! Thanks for listening!!!

[Lorelai]

redrum -
Someone told me something once that really stuck with me. My children have a relationship with their father. It may not be the relationship I want, but it is their relationship none the less.

Since you already have the basics of codependency, you know that nothing you say or do is going to get him into recovery until he is ready to go. Just as with recovery, nothing you say or do is going to change their relationship into what you want.

The best advice I can offer is to support your son, explain what you can to him and try to maintain your own dignity in the situation. The anger is justifiable but not productive.

I look at my H as someone who made and continues to make bad choices. He isn't a bad person - just not making the choices I feel are right. He has his own life to lead and his choices to make. He will, most likely, come to regret the things he has done. All I can do is try my best to live my life in a way that won't cause me to regret the things I've done.

Stick around. Family and Friends or Naranon forums have tons of information and wonderful people who can relate.
I'm glad you're here.
L

[StandingStrong]

Does your son want to see his father?

I think at 13 years old and having seen what he has, he probably realizes there is a problem. Hard to tell just how much he knows of the initial problem, but I'm sure that he knows more than he lets on most of the time. Especially since he doesn't like to talk about it. (I have a son like that too) Observant and more knowledgeable than most kids his age when it comes to this sort of thing.
I have heard of people that have put into their visitation agreement about the addict having to be clean for X amount of hours before visiting the child, during the visit, etc. It's something you may want to look into, though I don't know how accurate it would be seeing as how he'd have to be tested before each visit (?), not to mention that it may also cause him to not come see his son at all.
If I were you, I think I'd ask my son how he feels. If your ex's behaviour has scared your son before, I think that says alot. He may not really want to be around him. But you'd have to get him to talk to you about it - at least a little.
Not sure if I helped you any, but those are my thoughts anyway.

[redrum]

Thanks for the support - I have been allowing visits to take place at my home only, and my son does seem to want to see him. My son never asks to go anywhere with him, and I take that as either he knows that I wont allow it, or he isn't really sure he wants to go. I think if he wanted to go he would put up a fight at least? I don't interfere with this relationship due to my lack of relations with my father - don't want to repeat the cycle! I remain the stability and mature adult in the situation, but feel inside like I want to explode on his father - I recently quit asking about when he would go to treatment since I have supplied all the paperwork and avenues for him to take to go there, to no avail...I guess it has come to the point where I let go and let God. He brought all of us together for a reason, and I just hope some good will come out of what has been witnessed, i.e. my son never using. Thank you again for your kind and supportive words - I need an outsiders view occassionally! I have been in a rut with my thinking about this for a while, but both my son and I keep going in the right direction with our own lives in our home, and that is what really counts! Take care and have happy holiday! (PS - Lorelei: The anger is unproductive. I needed to hear that! & SS: Your right - the rules of visitation will just leave my son without contact with his father..Sad isn't it?)