Recently relapsed ex-Girlfriend

[chrispgh]

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. We had been seeing each other for over four years. For the first two, I didn't want to commit to her. My mother was fighting cancer, and I wanted my time to go there. Susan, my ex, understood that. Near the end of the first two years, her mother suddenly passed away. She was obviously devastated so I backed off a little. My mother died shortly there after. Her mother died in April, mine in May. I can't remember if we got closer or further apart during that time suprisingly. In October, Susan didn't show up for work. When I called around for her, no one knew where she was. I searched and found out she was in jail. She was cashing bad checks. When I saw her the next day, she confessed to me she was supporting a terrible heroin addiction. It started with oxy's and progressed to heroin. She had been addicted for over a year. When she told me, I asked if she was ready for help. She said yes and I got her into a program sponsored by our work. When she got out of rehab, things were very difficult for her at her home. Her sister was still an active user. I had her move in with me. At that time, I wanted to let her know that throughout the last couple years, I really did love her and now that she was starting a new life, I wanted to be a bigger part of it. So, we had a committed relationship.
For the first few months, everything was going well. She was clean, I was taking her to meetings every night, and we were enjoying each other completely. As the months went on, she started to complain that I was too controlling. Maybe I was, but I was really having a hard time trusting her. As time went on, I think she sensed we needed a break. So, in June of 2002 she left me. Our relationship wasn't working out, and she had another addict interested in her from a meeting. Well, after a couple months she called me, we talked and she and I started hanging out again. A couple more months went by and we were back together (2003).
There were still clear problems. Her behaviors (lying, being sneaky, etc) were not changing. We both realized though we were better together than apart. So, we toughed it out. She even moved out again, but we remained together with me at my house, and her at her Dad's. As the summer came along this year, she started really acting unacceptable. She would go away to her family campground for the weekend and not come home when she said she was. She wouldn't even call. This was very typical of her (irresponsible behavior) but not this often. Every time she did something like that, I raised an issue about it. She quit her job at the end of the summer and started some classes on horticulture. This really energized her. She was sooo excited to be doing something she wanted to do, I thought this would be the answer for us. As a month went by, our problems persisted. In the last week of September, she confessed to me that she had started smoking pot again. She did that at her campground with friends. Although she felt horrible about it, she continued to go there. Well, finally I had called her on it. I told her she had to re- approach her recovery or I couldn't sit around and watch her fall again. During that conversation, she told me she really didn't want to lose me and wanted to re commit to recovery and to me. One week later she said she didn't want to see me anymore and wanted to continue to smoke pot. She also said she hadn't loved me since she had gotten out of rehab almost two years ago. I couldn't believe my ears. I was heart broken. So, after all we had been through together, this was it. Well, a couple weeks ago, her friend called me and said Susan wasn't doing well. She had relapsed on everything. She got kicked out of school. She was in a bad way. Well, instead of calling her, I wrote a letter to her father, anonymously, telling him everything I knew for the last couple years. I didn't do it maliciously. I did it because I wanted him to talk to her. I wanted him to tell her how much he loved her. Maybe that would work. Well, the other day I recieved a sympathy card in the mail. It had no return address on it and wasn't signed. All it said was, "sorry for your loss, my sincere sympathy." As you can see, I'm lost right now. Please read over my posting. Tell me what you see happening in the future for me. Am I going to hear from her if she hits rock bottom? Is it possible she really doesn't love me or is that just her relapse talking? Was it possible that for the two years she was clean, she still had the mind set of an active user? I am sure I looked into her eyes at points and saw the loved coming back to me? Do you think she will demonize me for that letter and never trust me again? I'm soooo lost. Please give me your opinion. I know you can't read the future, but just tell me something.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi Chris. I hope I can see your future. I see you marching yourself into a naranon meeting. I see you reading a lot about codependency. I see you giving up on trying to guess what an addict is going to do/ is thinking about/was thinking about/meant by that/really values. Addicted people are as individual as the rest of us. Nobody can prognosticate for you based on knowing what drug she's using and what happened so far. Nobody can tell you when she'll get a grip. She might never. She is not the one who will save you from your agony by getting well for you. You have to save yourself from your agony.

Come up and visit with us on the alanon or naranon boards. You can read about how some folks are transforming their lives. You might find a way to start transforming your own.

Welcome to the SR forums!
Hugs,
Smoke

[micheleschroede]

hey chris: take it from an addict who has hurt, walked-on, lied, and stolen from only the people she loves. I have done more wrong then right in my day and only the people that were there for me got the brunt of it. It sucks but that is the way the cookie crumbles. I don't know you guys;however, I can tell you that your girl doesn't know who she is either. For the past two years I have been strugling with an addiction to crack cocaine(not stuff off the streets, home-aid) I'll tell you what I have used some serious drugs before but nothing that has grabbed a hold of me and my life like this drug (herione is just as bad). I am young bright student who had a major social life and worked at Outback Steakhouse for about 7 years, and I let everything go. I lost mega weight, didn't sleep, and quit my job to hang out with "friends" (not at the campground, but the same differnce) What I didn't realize is these weren't my friends, they were my getting high accquanitances. Now that I don't get high many of my "friends" are around anymore. Thank goodness my true friends (I call them family, friends is to informal for what I put some people through) stuck by my side. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. So what should you do? That is something only you can figure out. I tell you what if you love this girl it is going to be a HARD road in front of you. She will probably hurt you many times, and you must decide if you are strong enough to take it. Don't let her walk on you. Although, she is fragile and could break any time, so you must handle with care. That is the hardest because you will become so frustrated with the sneaking around, and based on her past you will always be wondering what she is up to. From her point of view, it is hard to live down your past, so maybe you could make that a little easier. I know when I reflect back on the things I have done I beat myself up more then anyone, and when I hear it all the time I will never be able to move on to my future. Like I said I don't know the whole situation, so I could be way out of line. If you want to chat more keep in touch


:hugehug Michele

[frankly]

Chis you aren't going to like this answer but stop looking for her and start looking for you. You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can't cure it. No matter what you do it will not change her until she wants to change. You can't change her or the situation but you can change you. I agee with smoke get to some meetings. Start reading the posts here. You might be suprised at how closely your story sounds to a lot of others. You are not alone here. Keep posting.

[EdLova]

hi...

my experience with loving a drug addict is very much the same..I myself am a recovered alcoholic..my ex gf is a cocaine addict..

our relationship has been on and off..sometimes there are moments when we end up seeing eachother and having some really good times..Yet there are also moments when all she wants to do is be alone..I'm really not sure anymore if whether or not what she tells me is true..All I know is that after working my program and doing ALOT (and I mean ALOT) of inventory and making amends, I am less and less attached to her..Infact I have not wondered about where she is or what shes doing much..My obsession to control her has been removed..The truth is that she is NOT my sex ideal..Yet somehow (inexplicably) we end up hitting it off..I do not understand it..I am unfullfilled in alot of areas with her..Right now we talk but several times over we have avoided eachother for weeks at a time when she would still be out there using..

Mind you, I met her during my drinking days and as the months went by she began to see me recover and more and more she became drawn to me..Now it hasn't all been hunky dory..She's left me twice and she sometimes says things I know she doesnt mean..But we talk everyday on the phone and when we see eachother we are inseperable..Shes back in the program now and shes working her steps..I've chosen to never mention the program to her or to get involved in her recovery..That also includes attending meetings she goes to..She needs her space and she needs her recovery..Im thankful that she has what she has..

I try not to pressure her into doing anything she doesnt wanna do..Im just trying to be there for her as much as I can..Taking it and enjoying it for what it is and not trying to make it any bigger than what it is..It's hard but the more I pray about it the more I answers I get and I get clear cut directions..

God bless you all who love us sick people..

[EdLova]

well on a sad note..

today my ex gf called me this morning and shes been in relapse mode all day..She says she is not an addict..and wont believe herself to be one..yadda yadda yadda..she says she doesnt wanna come to CA anymore because she says shes young and wants to party on the weekends still..she began talking like she is gonna go out..went over to her house with much concern and sat at her bedside weeping..telling her how much I care about her and how I am here for her..to give the program a chance..she says shes fine..called her a bit ago now shes out buying beer with her friends..

what's a guy like me to do now? should I just cut her out of my life and tell her to F*** off or just wait it out and see what happens and still answer her phone calls tomorrow when she apologizes...I dunno..I'm getting fed up..I love her so much..

[ScaredLove03]

Hey Chris,
Wow your story is so similar to mine... Let her do what she has to do and do for yourself.I've been hurt continuosly the same way..She will realize what you have done for her and maybe come back if not move on.