Sobriety and a stalled relationship

[roxiepoxie]

Hi,my name is Dianna and i am looking for some advice on my relationship with my boyfriend.I have been seeing him for about 3 and a half years,he lives about 30 miles away so we usually only see each other on the weekends but we talk every night.When I met him it wasn't love at first sight but I gave it a shot with him because he's a good,hardworking man,he's patient,understanding most of the time,but i had always felt there was something missing.I just let those feelings of "there's something missing " get drowned in alcohol daily and chose to ignore those feelings.I buried alot of feelings in my alcohol use.Well guess what? i've been sober for three months now and i still have those feelings of "something missing" in our relationship.I put them aside the first few months of sobriety because i didn't want to deal with any more emotions than i had to,but i feel now is the time to start dealing with them.I have turned my life over to my higher power since day one and I have grown spiritually so much in 3 months."let go and let God " is how I am living,letting him guide me.I am working on the 12 steps in A.A. and I know I need to get rid of alot of garbage on the inside.I"ve asked God for guidance on this relationship I have with my boyfriend and I haven't received any signs or certain feelings on which way to go or what to do so I thought maybe someone could give me some advice.I look ahead,and I can't see myself marrying him,I haven't seen him in 8 days and I miss him a little but not alot,I find myself just thinking about all the little negative things about him,the things we're not compatible in and then I feel guilty about letting myself do that.How do I know If I should let him go?am i being too picky? he's a pretty good guy for the most part,he supports my sobriety 100 percent but I don't know....I'm just not feeling good about our relationship,I feel it has just kinda petered out and it's at a stall.I would really appreciate any input.Thanks alot for listening. Dianna

[Truth]

definitely take ur time when making this decision. Is there a possibility that although this man is wonderful, he is not full of drama? After doing lots of reading it seems to me that sometimes addicts or alcoholics have had crazy things happen in their childhoods and many inconsistencies. well this is something that they get use to and then think that something is "missing" when it isn't there in their relationships. We are often attracted to people that remind us of our emotions and feelings when we were young. But just because drama is comfortable- doesn't mean that it is healthy.
anyway i hope that helped- have u ever checked out al anon?

[Sasha99]

This sitch could be mine except that my bf is the one who has stopped drinking (I never drank). Now I feel indifferent toward him. The drama thing is possible. I have had a lot of drama in my life, and could be missing it. But when the drama left (and there was plenty while he was drinking), I wanted it to be replaced with SOMETHING... like warmth, caring... he seems to feel those things for me (except sex... he seems afraid to be sexual, or aversive in some way), but I feel pretty cold. I'm waiting it out for now, because in general the rel is good. I know it takes a year or so of sobriety for things to settle down.

But what comes in after the drama leaves? How do I know if it's him or if it's me?

[lonlion]

Hi Dianna; there could be a few things going on here. I agreee with Truth in that when we are raised in a chaotic household, a peaceful relationship can sometimes seem boring.
another thing too is the fact that there are many stages in relationships, and maybe the two of you have entered into another stage.
I know that when we are using or drinking we don't necessarily make good choices for life partners.
Is it a gut feeling that you are experiencing, or just indifference?
I broke up with my boy friend of 2 and a half years after going into treatment and getting clean while with him. My older sister and her wisdom told me that my HP put him in my life at that time to support me when I needed it. Don't know.
Why have you stayed with him this long? Just wondering if even while you were drinking you had those feelings, why have you continued in the relationship? You said that you would not marry him. There is nothing wrong with continuing a relationship knowing that you would never marry him, as long as he knows where you are coming from and agrees to the terms of the relationship. What I mean is, does he talk about marriage or a future together? If not, then just go with the flow, until you decide not to. Nothing is written in stone. You don't have to make a decision now if you don't want to. When the time is right for you to get out, you will know it.
Try to live one day at a time with all things. There is no hurry to make decisions about all things. They say that we should not make major decisions in early recovery, that may include ending relationships too.
Hope this helps Dianna
My thoughts and prayers to you
Love Diana

[roxiepoxie]

thanks Truth,Sasha and Diana(what a beautiful name you have!lol),You know,it's kinda opposite for me for,as far as the drama,My life with alcohol was never really dramatic.I kept alot of feelings inside including things that bothered me about my boyfriend.For instance,He's been working on his house for the past 6 or 7 months,doing a house makeover and that has been his priority for the most part,instead of telling him i was a little offended at me being dropped down on his priority list I just kept it inside letting anger and resentment build up.Now that i am sober I have to deal with all thes pent up feelings and I'm struggling on where to go with them.Are these feelings part of my character defects? I don't know..I'm getting ready to do my fourth step with my sponsor so maybe I'll find some answers there,but as far as this relationship goes,i brought out some of thes feelings on the phone last night with him,i was being open and honest with him,It was painful,and I know he's quite confused right now.He said " i thought our relationship would get better when you stopped drinking." yeah right,take the drink away,that fixes everything.I suggested an al-anon meeting for him to go to.So,Just like with sobriety,i need to take this relationship one day at a time,making no major decision about it,and I will know when and if it's time.thanks so much for caring and sharing. hugs to all,Dianna

[EdLova]

enjoy what you have..cause you have more than some people could ever want..and that includes someone who loves you for who you really are and not what you think you are..because in your inventory you will find that everythink you think you are, you are not..you are what you are and that's all that you are..leaving someone when you are doubtful after a certain amount of time could or could not be right..enjoy what you have..and try to make the best of it..sometimes it won't be what you want it to be..but if you're willing to lay all that aside for that other person's valueble time, warmth, care, and affection..that's a great gift..if you're not willing to lay iot aside and if you believe that outside circumstances warrant change, then search deep within and you will find that nothing exetrnal will determine anything internally once you have tapped into God's power..Infact you will learn what REAL LOVE truly is..doesn't matter who you are with..We all don't marry our sex ideals..but for whatever area of your life for which you are unfullfilled ask God to fill that void and he WILL fill it..Love is an action..It's more than just a feeling or an emotion or something you say..It's what you do is what love is..

From my own experience I love my ex gf whose actively still using cocaine..she's been in and out of the program and cant make up her mind whether or not she wants to stop..that's none of my business..but it hurts me..and she knows..but I still love her..even when she doesnt call me..even when she stays in bed after a binge and does not want to see anyone..I'm there for her..Loving an addict is hard..but we get to choose who we love..and Ive chosen to love someone special..that's what God has given me the ability to do and see as a result and gift from God and A.A.