wanting/needing love

[journeygal]

I have reached a roadblock on this little journey of mine and I need some input.

I remember the day I had the realization that a big piece of this relationship puzzle was my need to be needed. I went into my marriage thinking Jack needed me to fix and save him. When he went into recovery the first time, I panicked b/c I didn't think he would need me anymore and would go off and find someone else. (Ok, he did, but their relationship is a carbon-copy of our early relationship so I know it's not about me, it's all about him and his issues.) I started my own recovery and soon discovered I didn't want someone who needed me in such an unhealthy way. Sounds simple, right? But it took me a long time to get to that point.

Anywho, here I am, struggling with letting go. I've learned a lot about the need to be needed but how do you let go of the need to be loved? This is what's holding me back. While I know this relationship is unhealthy and that I want to be with someone who loves, respects, and accepts me for who I am, I'm scared that I will never find that person. I'm afraid that if I end things with Jack, that's it for me and love. I don't feel desperate but maybe I am. However, I think this is a basic human need. I'm not afraid of being alone - I've been alone for months now and I'm doing just fine. But I want to share my life with someone. What if Jack was my only shot at having someone love me, sick or otherwise?

Yes, I know I'm having a child and hopefully the child will love me and I pray we have a healthy relationship. But in 18 years or so, that child will be gone. Then what? Yes, I'm getting way ahead of myself here but this is why I keep holding on to Jack. As sick as he is, I know that deep down he loves me and I'm just scared I won't ever find that again.

I'm not going to say this is pathetic b/c I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way. I just don't know how to let go of this...

[Lorelai]

(((JG)))
Exactly. Exactly. You are certainly not the only one who's ever felt that way.

I have two girls - 15 & 17. I just asked my H to leave a couple of months ago. I know that my daughters will be moving out soon and starting their own lives and I will be alone - for the first time ever in my life. Really alone.

Every once in a while I think about that. Sometimes, as I'm fixing dinner, I'll think - What would I be fixing if it were just me? Sometimes, when the girls are out for the night, I'll think - What would it be like if every night was like this? I'm not sure what it will be like or whether I'll like it or not. The unknown - a big deal for me.

I know this to be true for me - If I never find another man to love, I will be all right. If I go through the rest of life with no partner, that is still better than the life I have been living.

I believe I will find someone if I choose to do so. I'm certainly not in any hurry. I'm a wonderful woman with a lot of great qualities. I know what I'm looking for now - or at least what I won't tolerate.

My goal right now is to share my life with me. I want to be enough for me. I want my greatest love story to be with myself. Once I get that down, another person's love will just be icing on the cake.

I was scared when I started all of this, I was scared when I decided to leave my H, I'm scared now. I have used my fear to make me stronger. You have too. We can do it again.
Hugs - L

[Gabe]

I think it's fear talking when you have those "maybe I'll never find love again" feelings.
Certainly we all want and deserve to feel loved in a healthy way.
But when we've been tied up in a relationship for a long time, the idea of going out there and considering the possibility of loving someone again can be scary for a lot of reasons.
I don't think love is a one-shot deal.
And I think as long as we are open to the possibilities, life will bring us exactly what we need.

[Tiro]

Originally Posted by journeygal

Anywho, here I am, struggling with letting go. I've learned a lot about the need to be needed but how do you let go of the need to be loved?

Enigmatic question.One I too have pondered.

I do not hold fast to the belief that I will ever one day be free of my "need to be loved".

However, I may one day be free of some of the pain I subject myself to for the sake of love.

[Hopefloats]

JG...I learned the amazing power of self-love, and at a time when I felt much like you do right now. Once we fill our voids with self-love...we also know that we may want and need to be loved, but the fear that goes with that subsides.

I walked out of an abusive relationship with no intentions of finding real love. I was battered and broken from the verbal abuse...on disability..sick and tired and worn down.

Once I got out there and I realized that I was my best friend and confidant...that I needed to fill the voids...that I needed to have self-love in order to be loved...and love found me.

Don't sell yourself short...and please don't give up on a love that will nurture you and fulfill your needs..on a healthy level..IF that is what you desire.

I believe we can love more than once in our lifetime. Each love may be different..but love is out there for us all, when we are ready.

Take time for you and that new baby to be.....don't be afraid JG......sometimes if we can take the risk, and embrace the unknown...we are pleasantly surprised.

God Bless..
Hopefloats (formerly known as HOPE2055)

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by journeygal

... But I want to share my life with someone. What if Jack was my only shot at having someone love me, sick or otherwise?

Me thinks it's perfectly normal and healthy to want to share my life with another. For me, the important part is the "share". If it's not a 50/50 deal then it's not love, it's dependency.

As far as being the "only shot".... well.... where have you been hiding your wonderful self? If you want "sick or otherwise" just wander into any dimly lit bar in any town of the world and you'll get a handful of prospects. There's no shortage of sick people out there looking for a codie to latch on to.

Now if you want a _healthy_ person, you're going to have to _be_ a healthy person yourself so you attract them, and hang out in healthy places. From reading your posts I think you're a wonderful person with great courage and a huge heart full of love. If _I_ were a healthy person, ready for a new relationship, I would certainly be flirting with you in PM ;-)

Originally Posted by journeygal

... I've learned a lot about the need to be needed but how do you let go of the need to be loved? This is what's holding me back....

You don't have to let go of the need to be loved. It's the need to sacrifice yourself in exchange for the _illusion_ of being loved that we all need to let go of. I don't know about you, but I'm a codie and I have no idea how to tell real love from illusion. I think that the day will come when I can provide for myself all the love that I need. On that day I will be able to see clearly and will no longer imagine that other people give me the love I desperately seek, because I will no longer be desperately seeking it. I will have it of my own self. That's when the illusions will fade away, I will then be a healthy person and I will be able to find other healthy people who are probably all around me right now. I just can't see them yet :-)

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

[abtchonamission]

It's natural to want someone to love and be loved by. We all want that. It's just the way it is - I know that I don't NEED someone in my life, but I still like having someone there. I know I can do it on my own, but it doesn't change the fact that I enjoy having someone to come home to and share it all with.

I don't know what you plan to do with your relationship; where you want it to go, where you think it is, or anything of the sort. I don't know what you or he want out of what you have together. I wish I had more to offer you about this.

As far as that baby goes - SHE is going to be a lucky little girl to have you for a mom (I'm just thinking pink with you) and will always know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that her mom loves her beyond any measure, is always going to be there for her, and will accept her for who she is- and with a mom a special as you, there isn't a doubt in my mind that your child is going to give you back that unconditional love that ONLY a child can feel for a parent. It's just the way it's going to be. She's going to know that you are the only person in the world that would go to the ends of the earth for her, and that it would be out of the immense love you feel for her, and she'll just KNOW - that her mommy is the person in the world that she most loves.

[journeygal]

Thanks everyone. I know this fear has been holding back and I need to let go and trust in God's plan for my life, which I do. Sometimes though, I get in my own way.

Trisha, thank you for your post. I really needed to hear that tonight.

Thanks to all of you for being here.

[utopia]

hi jouneygal

wow, an issue closet to many hearts, the need to be needed. aall mylifeive had th longing for love, affection, praise, belonging, intimacy but its someting more than a rlsp can provide. GOd had filled a lot of that emptiness and its healthy to want love and to love back, but theres definitely a point when love becomes obsession.

Love, FAmily, God, these are all words that are almost impossible to define one way as im sure there are billions of different interpretations, but remember thoughts such as what if nothing better comes along? what if never happens? these are so self defeating, ive used them and i found it really helpful to affirm, :everything is in divine and perfect order now,. god knows abundance, humans create scarcity. awaken your spritual garden and allow god to feed it and nourish it. if u cant live without a relationship, you will never healthily live with it. i really belive that

wishu all the best for u and your child, and your love, keep praying and going to meetings, youll get there, one day at a time
hugs
toby

[smoke gets in my eyes]

It's me, more questions than answers. I think I'll change my username to that. (MQTA. )

I know you've been mulling this for a long time. I've mulled the same danged juice and spices. But I wonder if it isn't even more complex than the question of wanting to be loved romantically. My logic tells me (as does the interest other men show in me) that I would not be lonely for long if I chose to cut off from Dino and was game. And I know what you look like so besides knowing that you're a great person I know you're beautiful on the outside as well. Soooo..... my hunch is that your logic tells you the same thing. You can have romance. But you wouldn't have this one. That has been the stopper for me. The history, the sentiment and the uniqueness of this relationship. Plus there are things about Dino that just set him head and shoulders above other men I meet... the very things that attracted me in the first place. So I think maybe you're saying you're afraid you wouldn't find a romance as unique and special as the one with Jack? That you're afraid you'd be comparing and contrasting and not enjoying? I wonder that too.

Plus... some of us have or get that notion of "meant to be" or "soulmate" or "one and only". I have theories about where that comes from that would take a whole thread, but enough to say that some of us... including me... have it. My logic rejects it, but my heart embraces it. I fell for Dino the minute I saw him. Boom. That was 24 years ago. I didn't pursue him because I really thought he was out of my league. We each had two significant relationships in the 16 years between that moment and when he wound up on my doorstep. But I never forgot him. We stayed in touch loosely, and in my alone times, it was always Dino that wandered into my head. If it's not "meant" or he's not "the one", I certainly have a unique preoccupation with him. So I wonder also, if you have that "unique preoccupation" thing with Jack.

I remember one two month period of my life, when 4 different of my women friends called me "my best friend". I love all of these women beyond description, but I could never put a quantitative like "best" on my friendships. It kind of rattled me because I wondered also why there were not enough "best friends" to go around. LOL But the point is really that my relationship with each of these women is deep and special... and unique. We have history and sentiment. Unlike a relationship with a man, however, I don't have to choose which one to have an intense bond with. None of them are hurt or threatened that I have other good women friends. So I wonder also if the singularity I feel with Dino is really just a matter of the walls of loyalty that I have put up. I don't ALLOW closeness with other men. It's betrayal.

Oh phooey. I have to go to work. Chew on that part and let me know what you're thinking. I'm trying to figure this out, too.

LOVE YOU!

[Truth]

Sometimes we need to change our definitions of relationships. A successful relationship is not necessarily one that last for the rest of our lives, it is one that we learn and grow from. So maybe if you have to leave your relationship you can think of it as a learning experience and know that you are meant to learn much more before you leave this life. You will help yourself when u start to believe that u are worthy and lovable and find someone who is compassionate, patient, and supportive of you. I am beginning this process of trying to make my life healthier but i hope that i helped

[journeygal]

Wow Smoke, I think you're onto something here.

You are right - there is a uniqueness in our relationship, a bonding that I, rightly or wrongly, believe would be hard to find with very many men. And it has caused me to not only put up the walls of loyalty, but perhaps it has caused me to place too much value on what we have. I must admit, and it's probably for the best, that I'm having a hard time holding on to that connection right now b/c the person I know/knew and love is not around and I'm trying my best to break away, for my own sanity.

That unique connection, I actually did feel it once before. (Guess it's not all that unique. ) I was in that relationship for 7 years. We are still friends today and breaking up was hard for both of us. But once we were separated, I slowly tore down those walls and I eventually realized that the ties that bonded us weren't strong enough to overcome that which was missing.

I think the singularity I place so much value in is being accepted for who I am, for being this nerdy, quiet chick and having someone delight in the unique parts of me that seem to be a major turn off to other guys I've crossed paths with. Ex-b/f got me. Jack gets me. I was fortunate enough to find it twice but a third time???

Maybe these men accepted the parts of me that I think are hard to accept and/or love. Nothing bad mind you, just...different.

And then comes the real question: Am I placing too much value on something that really isn't that important in the overall scheme of life, love, and relationships? Does it really matter how much a guy gets me if he's willing to love and be there for me regardless? Am I limiting myself in some way? How important is karma anyway???

Seems I too have more questions.

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by journeygal

I was fortunate enough to find it twice but a third time???

Well, I hate to answer a question with a question, but why not a third time?

I met my hubby 18 years ago next month. It took us years to end up together. I know we were both using and that is not the same as your situation, but nonetheless, it took a long time, and being in and out of relationships with other people etc. etc.

Maybe the things about you that you think are not what attracts men to you, is exactly what attracts them to you, make sense?

One more little thing I want to say. I truly believe today that everything happens for a reason, I wish God would let me in on some of the reasons, but his time not mine LOL. So in saying that. You are having Jacks baby at this time in your life for a reason. For example, my H had his 2 kids with his ex for a reason, God wanted those kids on this earth, I could not have made those 2 kids with him, they would be different people if I was there mom, biologically speaking, you know what I mean. Little Journee is coming into this world a part of you and Jack at this time for a reason. Try and remember that.

Love you JG!

[DesertEyes]

Heya JG :-)

Originally Posted by journeygal

... there is a uniqueness in our relationship, a bonding that I, rightly or wrongly, believe would be hard to find with very many men....

That's exactly the way I feel about my wife. We are such a perfect match, so uniquely perfect for each other in so many ways. It seems to me that we were perfect from the very first day we met.

But were we really? After 19yrs of a life filled with challenges and obstacles, how much was there from the beginning and how much is what we built together? I can't remember all the minor details of our life over 19yrs, I just remember the really good times and the really bad ones. My wife is certainly wonderful, special and unique, but what I think made _us_ so special was not how we started, but what we built.

The end of our marriage has ripped a _huge_ hole in my life. 19yrs worth of hole. Of course nobody can fill that hole. It took 19yrs to build. What I forget is that my marriage didn't just appear out of nowhere, we built it one day at a time. There's no person in the world can just step in and fill 19yrs, but there's _lots_ of people that can work with me and fill a single day. And then another day, and another.

I am not personally ready to start that process. Not today, maybe not for a few years. I've got other healing and growing to do first, but I have to keep reminding myself else I will get even more depressed than I already am :-)

Originally Posted by journeygal

... I was fortunate enough to find it twice but a third time???

Well how do you think you found it the first two times? That was your HP putting those guys in your life. Just like He put my wife in my life. If you want do find it a third time you can, but you have to be ready and looking. You are guaranteed not to find it if you close your eyes and hide :-)

Originally Posted by journeygal

... Does it really matter how much a guy gets me if he's willing to love and be there for me regardless?

hmmm... To me the concept of being loved is the same as being understood and appreciated. If they love me they will get me.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

[smoke gets in my eyes]

LOLOLOL! I'm even loyal in my dreams. In the wee hours of the morning, Johnny Depp wanted me. I said no. I don't know what would have happened if it had been George Clooney.

[Paulie]

Smoke!! that is hilarious.

[Gooch]

Good thread...

I have the most non volatile relationship I have ever had. There is trust, respect, companionship, and sharing.

We seem to be more friends than lovers which is understandable as that is what our relationship was based in.

On the one hand I care for her and never want to do anything that would cause harm.

And yet I've met someone in a casual situation whose smile leaves a warm spot in my heart, and memory of that smile occupies more space than seems reasonable or possibly safe. A crush? a fantasy? a crack in the resolution to temper all my emotions with a healthy dose of interspection?


After reading this thread, I have to wonder if I am denying the need for something lacking in my current relationship, and it's expressing itself thus, or I'm just missing the "thrill of the chase".. ?

[goodself]

I'm new to this and I'm really struggling with relationships. I recently moved to Colorado and I left all my friends and family in NY. I am feeling very alone right now with no support system like the one I have at home. I feel like I want to isolate myself from everything so that I can keep safe. I instantly hooked up with my roommate and within the first month we were having sex. I became instantly attached to her and wanted more but recently I found out that she did not feel the same about me. SHe is actually attracted to someone else and now I'm hurting immensely. At the time, we were from different states and I think the sex was a way to cope. Now I am hurting very much but I also realize that I can not do anything about this. I want to keep the friendship that we developed but I also want to detach from her. I don't know who to be angry at right now, myself for becoming too atached to her or her and the other person. I also very confused and my thoughts seem to run in circles trying to rack my brain to figure this out. I tried to make everything better but every time I make things worst. I haven't been in a healthy relationship and I fear that I will never will. Right now I am very emotional and I'm not thinking rationally, its all emotion. I have decide to be very adult because I'm actually an adult and I'm not in highschool. But its hard and the feeling of isolating myself sounds really good right now. Sorry I'm rambling. smile. I also realize that I have to feel my feelings no matter what. Is there anything I can do to take care of myself or what can I do ?

[journeygal]

Hi Goodself and welcome.

I am discovering that balance is required in all things, especially relationships where we become overly focused on and attached to our partner. It's hard living in a new area and not knowing a lot of people. I don't know what your history is, but one way to keep from isolating would be to start attending local 12 step meetings, like codependents anonymous, ACOA, or al-anon, which really help us learn how to detach from people and focus on taking care of ourselves.

You are actually in a good position to start learning about yourself and why your relationships haven't gone well in the past. You can also use this time to take up a new hobby, do some volunteer work, take some classes, etc. Keeping busy is a great way to keep your mind off of your roommate.

Take care and keep coming back,
JG

[goodself]

Thank you journeygal,
When I was in NY I attended ACOA meeting but it seems that there are none where I live. I checked the internet to look for a meetings but did not find any. Do you have any suggestions on where I can find one ? I certainly need a meeting.
Right now I'm trying to learn ACCEPTANCE and learn from this situation. I'm going back to NY for Christmas because I needed to get away from the situatiuon, in sense trying to detach from this. I think going home will do me a world of good so that I can regroup and come back strong.
I'm realizing that I'm scared. I'm in such a new place with a whole new set of people and situations. It would be so easy for me to isolate myself from everything so that I could stay safe but then I would not grow.
Thanks again for your reply and I will surely keep coming back.