Help please

[marblack]

HI, I haven't been here in a while. I was living with my A b/f for 5 years. I have posted the story before. We split 7 months...ago. He wanted to sober up but never would. He is still drinking today, we have a 2 year old together. I don't allow his son to see him, due to his drinking. I fear for the safety of my child alone with him. Me and the now ex A b/f have parted ways. I recently met and got married to a great guy. He is great to me and to my kids, he provides well for us. Now I live in a happy enviroment. There is only one problem when I am alone, I think of the ex A b/f. WE have been talking some, mostly about the kids issue. SOmetimes he throws in about his g'f and how he is going to go sober one day. Yeah when Donkeys fly!!! He finally got a full time job. Funny how I spend so much time and effort to get away from him. And know he lives in my head....My mind. How do I put this behind me????? Am I just going plan nuts. Advice please.....Mar

[Ann]

Mar

I think we all have a special place in our hearts for someone who we have loved and lost. That's okay, it's part of who we are today. Just dom't give up your happier today's dreaming of the "might have beens".

Hugs
Ann

[Paulie]

Mar,

I agree with Ann, sometimes the 'what could have beens' stay with us. That does not mean that we give up what we have now. You loved this man, you have a child together, you are forever connected. But that is the past. You have a future with someone now. It is okay to care.

[redrum]

Mar - I am glad to hear that you have moved on - that takes strenghth! I have been in this situation more times than I care to admit! Living with the mental image of what you want someone to be rarely comes to reality. Many of the addicts I have loved have been wonderful, successfull and enjoyable people...as long as they are sober. These periods of sobriety are never long enough because their addiction forces them back to the drawingboard of their own life. They are writing their own story, just like you and I. You are right to sheild your son from him while he is activly using, and it really is a safety issue. Not that he and his father shouldn't see each other - just monitor it if possible. Eventually the life you have now will overshadow the life before, and the memories of the good stuff will be there, and underneath those will be the foundation of thankfullness that you were able to give yourself and your son something better. My experience has shown me that none of the men I loved were capable of loving me in the way I deserved, and I suspect you may have been in the same boat. They were not capable of loving themselves either, and that was usually why they drank like they did in the first place.You are not going crazy, just wishing things would have turned out different, just like when I burn a good meal! LOL! Hang in there and be grateful and proud that you have moved on. If he ever does sober up then your son will benefit from that! If he doesnt, then your son will have benefited from the good choice you made by moving on. Either way it sounds like you did the right thing. Just remember that 5 years is a long time - it will take a while to get beyond the thinking. It was a habit to think about him for that long...but you can replace that thinking by reminding yourself that your are in a better place now. When my relationships in the past ended, I gave myself a set amount of time to think, maybe 15 min., about the situation each day.(maybe while I was in the shower, or driving to work). Then I figure I have given enough time to my past today, and I tell myself I will think about it tomorrow when it pops into my head, AGAIN, that day! Besides, I eventually decide that 15 mins could be used in a more productive way. Keep doing what you are doing, and time does heal most wounds! Good Luck!