Well, this is weird.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

The sky is falling. But not on me.

A lot of my very dear anon friends are facing some of the toughest tests of their recovery right now. They're dealing with relapses, unfaithfulness, standing firm in the anti-enabling department and even the ultimate. It's hard to post good news in the middle of all that. I even have felt a little guilty. "Why are things okay for me and so hard for them? No fair." Then my mind runs back over the last 9 years and I decide "Okay, I'm entitled to a little break." But posting. Is it obnoxious? And I have decided that it may be a little obnoxious, but I think it's also good to put the hope out there. No rose colored glasses here. I know my half of the street is the only part I can sweep, but my side is ever so much cleaner.

Some of you know about Dino's health problems. You won't believe this, but most are not drug related. It's been expensive. I had a business that made a fortune. Crack dealers have some of it but more went to hospitals and doctors. I couldn't pay my bills. I arranged to go into a cooperative with another local organization that should have fixed everything businesswise. They didn't see the urgency of getting the team underway and my business has languished. I couldn't do without them and was not ready to sell off and give up, so I got me a job. Most people will tell you it's hard to work for someone else when you've been your own boss, but this is heaven. Weekly paychecks. Still... the hole I was left in was large. I got pushy. I'm never pushy. I made it clear to these folks that if they wanted this thing to succeed they had a load to pull. I couldn't do it by myself and WOULDN'T TRY. (That's the proud part.) It got the ball rolling. They took responsibility for the hole they left me in and filled it. I feel so grown up. I ain't rich yet, but what I make will cover me now and the business project is rolling. I live to serve. That's me and that will always be true. However, service is worth something and I stood up for myself with guns blazing.

On the Dino front... the docs cleared him to go back to work. If anybody asks me how much clean time Dino has, I can't tell you. I don't know. Seemed to me he had a sputtering engine thing going. Roll... stall. Roll... stall. But that is hard to know with all the hospital meds he got. They can make a person weirder than the street product. But I know he sounds different. It's been gradual, but Dino sounds confident. Assured. Capable. Honest. Aware. Grateful. And just plain sweet.

This is a relationship in recovery, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels new. It feels like starting over completely. He is nothing like the guy who arrived on my doorstep almost nine years ago and I am nothing like the gal who opened the door. Heck, we're not anything like we were four months ago... two months ago! We're getting to know each other. It's fun. Don't tell him I said so , but it's romantic. (I'm never mushy.) I spent a lot of years saying "What next?", with my teeth clenched and my shoulders by my ears. But lately even time with Dino... no... especially time with Dino, has me saying "What next??" with anticipation. There's a better than even chance it's going to be something cool.

I'm not naive, but I feel good and I'm not looking ahead to "when it all falls apart". I feel very together all by myself. Having Dino being very together along with me is a bonus. And like Sabina in The Skin of Our Teeth, I'm just going to "eat my ice cream while it's on my plate".

And now I'll just add that I don't think I'd be here if it wasn't for SR and all of my wonderful friends here who pushed, dragged, encouraged and scared me along. (I'm never mushy.) I love you guys.

Hugs!
Smoke :smlove2:

[Paulie]

Oh Smokie -

I understand exactly what you are saying about posting the good when so many people we care about are having such a hard time of it right now.

I am mushy...but you know that . Just reading your post has brought tears to my eyes.

You deserve all of this good that is happening. Dino deserves the good that is happening in his life.

You inspire me to look at life differently, you have since I first met you.

I am so proud of you, and so proud of Dino. And so happy for the both of you. Getting to know each other again, or maybe even just getting to know each other. the excitement, it is all so fun.

Love you my friend.

[Gabe]

Smoke,
You totally and completely deserve your time on the sunny side of the street.
This place is full of sad stories most of the time.
Your post was so happy and full of light, I could almost see you smiling.
Happiness becomes you.
May you stay in it's spotlight.
Big hugs,
Gabe

[Chy]

Awww Smoke you so deserve your happiness, peace, satisfaction and yes even the roma nce! It was a very happy post, and it's a refresshing change of hope and inspiration to those struggling right now. You deserve every moment of joy your experiencing, and I'm sure Dino is finally getting it, he better work damn hard to keep you!

Hugs and love unmushy one!

[abtchonamission]

Smoke,
I'm so happy to hear that. I've been feeling some similar things, and it is nice to share the good stuff. It's too easy to overlook that the fact that it could give someone else hope to hear that it is POSSIBLE, that people can be happy desite addiction, alcoholism, and codependency. I felt like you, and finally realized that all I ever shared was the things that bugged me. When I shared that things have been so much better, everyone seemed pleased to hear it. Take your happiness, enjoy it, and keep telling us about it - I don't know about anyone else, but it puts a little smile in my day to hear about someone else's good stuff.
Trisha

[DesertEyes]

Thank you so much for sharing :-) We have spent a fortune on medical bills, we have a business that died in this poor economy, my wife is on all kinds of nasty meds. We're in the middle of major problems at the moment, and having you share your success and happiness gives me a major boost of hope.

thanx again.

Mike :-)

[splendra]

((((((SMOKE))))))))

I am glad that you are having this time of things being good.I am sure you deserve some relaxed jaw and shoulder time. You have worked hard.

Sometimes I feel bad because my life has more ease than others I know too. I have to give myself a break though and let myself enjoy the fruits of being clean and sober and of working all my life cause there is ususally some kind of drama just around the next bend. You have had at least your share of misery nobody would begrude you a little peace..... at least I don't think they would......

[JessicaNAJ]

Smoke - I'm glad things are going well for you!!!

Your posting was like the sun shining on a cloudy day. It reminds me that although I feel I'm in the dark, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for sharing.

[journeygal]

((((((Smoke)))))

I am so very happy for you and Dino!

[deedee]

Smoke -

I hear such happiness, serenity, and joy in your post and you have earned every bit of it.

I do believe you have arrived sister.

((hugs))

deedee

[Ann]

I missed this earlier, for some reason, but I am so happy that your life is taking a turn for something so much better. I love happy stories...keep 'em coming.

Huge Hugs to you and Dino!!!

[JT]

Smoke...I am in the eye of that storm too right now. We can't all be in the hole at the same time...who would throw the rope???

[Josie]

I am so happy for you, I love it!

(((Smoke)))

[mooselips]

Oh Goodness!
(Day late, dollar short......again.)

Did you say candle light?
Silk sheets?
Good for you Smoke!

I love a happy ending.....

Hugs..

[osier59]

This is a great post, Smoke. I understand not wanting to talk about the good stuff when there is NOT good stuff going on all around you. But, it's awesome and powerful for people to see that recovery and serenity are real and possible and attainable. For all of us who are willing to do the foot work.

JT- don't you worry. I have the rope, and a Newfie who will gladly rescue ANYONE who needs it! (What better dog for a codie to have than a RESCUE dog???)

Hugs and love. I really love you guys
Barb