My Husband Left Me

[crowzhome]

Hello Everyone. . . Haven't been here in a while. Last time I was here, my addict husband was not doing so good and was out in the streets. Since, he went into an inpatient program at a hospital (on his own). That was back in July and he has been going to meetings everyday since he finished the program.

When he first got out, if there was an open meeting, he would take me with. It was a way that we could spend some time together and I could be a part of his recovery and support him. Then his offering stopped.

With him working full-time, going to the health club, and attending meetings, we hardly ever see each other. The time he has free, I am cooking, cleaning, taking care of our kids. He used to help me, but he always seems to make up an excuse why he is too busy, so I had to do it and it didn't leave much time for me.

Anyway, I noticed a change in him the last couple of weeks. He wasn't answering his phone after the meetings, coming home later and later, concerned when I reviewed the cell phone bill. I think that is what made me wonder what was going on. He was just paying to much attention and accusing me of checking up on him. It just didn't make any sense, but he kept saying he needs to socialize to keep his recovery and how important it is for him. I told him that I agree it is important, but it is also important to spend time together and I could meet them for coffee after the meeting.

This past Friday, before he left for his usual meeting, we were talking about moving to a nearby suburb and he was telling me what type of house to look for and options that he wanted. Then he started to leave to go to his meeting and kissed me, said he would be back later. He was going to cash his payroll check and I told him that he should drop that cash off so he doesn't put himself in a situation. He said that he didn't have time to come back to drop off the money, that he isn't going to do anything stupid with it. I said Ok, your choice.

Ten o'clock came and went, but I knew he said he had to pick up his sponsor, so I thought he was probably late because he drove him home. I was upset that he didn't call just out of consideration and his phone was turned off. Midnight came and I started feeling sick. I didn't think he was out using, but I knew something was going on.

I remember that he was concerned about the cell phone, so I went to our cell phone provider website to view the calls place earlier that day. There was one number that he called when he was suppose to be in his meeting. I thought maybe it was his sponsor, so I called it.

A girl picked up, sounded young. I asked her if she new "Steve" and she said, "Yeah" and I asked her if he was with her and she said that he was sitting next to her. Then she asked who I was and I told her I was his wife. She asked how I got her number and I told her from our cell phone records. I asked how she knows him and she said from the program and he told her that we were seperated. I told her that this was news to me, that we live together as a family with our two kids. Then my daughter grabbed the phone and told the girl not to listen to my father's lies and that he sleeps with my mother everynight and he tells my mother that he loves her. I got back on the phone and tried to reason with her to let me speak to him, but she told me to mind my own business and hung up on me. I called back and told her to let me speak to my husband, but she wouldn't let him.

t was really noisy in the background, sounded like a bar. I asked her if he was drunk, because he sounded like it in the background. It could have also sounded that way because he new he was caught and his voice changes due to embarressment. She started to get confrontational and you can tell that it didn't matter that he lied to her about being in an active marriage. I told her to ask him right now while I was on the phone if he and I were seperated. Him knowing I was on the phone, he said YES!!!! I asked him, are you planning on giving me any money to take care of the kids or buy some groceries and he told me that he was going to need his check to live on. Sorry bud, the court doesn't care that you have a certain lifestyle to maintain. He made a comment to me a couple of weeks ago that if we were to divorce that I would have to pay him alimony because I make more money. . . isn't that a joke.

About a 1/2 hr later, I called his cell phone and he answered. He already left her where ever they were at. I asked him what was going on and are we seperated. He said he wants a seperation and that he has wanted one a long time, even when he was in treatment. This is shocking to me, he was calling me everyday and telling me that he loved me and couldn't wait to come home and start new.

I could not believe that I spent 16 years with this man, through prison, infidelity, drug/alcohol abuse, pure misery, he has the nerve to suck me dry and then after he gets back on his feet, he decides he doesn't want to be with me.

Well, I went home and did a "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" move. I was so angry that this man disrespects me so much and doesn't appreciate anything that I have ever done for him. And all the times that I helped him, but at no time then did he tell me to stop because he wants to be seperated. Thinking about him taking this girl to dinner (and later I found out that he also took her to a show) and I can't remember the last time he took me out. So, I went home, gathered all his stuff and anything else that I looked at that reminded me of him, and took a pair of utility scissors and cut everything up. I mean there were approximately 20 garbage bags filled with stuff.

I know that it was probably wrong for me to do that, but I kept thinking how used I felt. It was like he was waiting for himself to get back on track, he needed me for that. But I don't understand how cold someone can be to his own childrens mother and to someone you spent 16 years with.

If he was so concerned about his recover, why isn't being HONEST, ACKNOWLEDGING THOSE THAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG TO IN THE PAST AND TRYING TO MAKE AMMENDS, NOT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE MIDST OF RECOVERY (expecially when you already are married), etc., aren't all these things vital to recovery?

He never even went to the meeting, come to find out, they went to a movie and out to dinner. I'm at home doing laundry (his laundry) and he is out having a good time. What is wrong with this picture?

After packing his stuff, I found some pornography cds and I caught him visiting porn sites on the intranet. He is living in a fantasy, it might seem fun at the moment, but what happens when reality sets in? It isn't real, how can I compete with that? How can I compete with someone that doesn't seems so fun and I'm the ball and chain at home trying to (as he would say) hold him back.

Saturday, he can with the police and a male friend from the program to come and get his belongings. I told the police there was nothing in my home that belonged to him. They told him there was nothing they could do and he would have to settle in court. I told him that he could take the money that he wouldn't give me to support his kids and buy new stuff, maybe by the time he has enough time to buy everything, the child support order will be in effect.

Went to the pastor at my church today and told him what happened, he said not to call him and beg him. This won't be a problem because he changed his phone number. Not even his kids know and he hasn't tried to get in touch with them. He is mad at them because they are mad at him. Can you believe this? They are children and they have a right to be disappointed, sad, mad, etc. and instead of even feeling bad for what he has done to them or even if he doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong, he should understand. My daughter said that if he calls her she isn't going to answer her cell phone and I don't blame her. He doesn't realize that changing his number is a good thing for me because it is just going to make me stronger. All the temptations that I might have to call him won't be an option. Although, normally I would call his mother, grandmother, or sister, but I haven't even called them at all. He is probably wondering what is going on.

The pastor told me to pray everyday for God for him and whatever I do, don't let him come home. There are things he must agree to and do before he can come back home. If he doesn't call ever, or he won't agree, then we will talk about moving forward with divorce. Sometimes I want divorce so I can try and have a "normal" life for once, but then I think about how far we have come and he has a sickness and I know he can deal with this.

I feel like he is a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He is so undecisive, one minute he wants to go to school for computers the next minute he wants to go to school for machine mechanic. Not even in the same ball park so I wonder what truly is going through his head. T"appearance" of what others see is very important to him and even if it isn't true, he still wants people to think of him that way. For instance, church, he is always talking about church and how we need to go this Sunday, but to live by Gods laws, he doesn't want anything to do with. Then he will brag all week about church. What is that all about? I think he thinks that others will admire him, but he doesn't realize that his actions are what matters.

Sorry so long. I am so angry but also so sad and confused. Just when I started looking towards a brighter future. I mean he was giving feedback and telling me about the table and chair set he wanted for the dining room, we talked about looking at homes in a nearby surburb. Usually when people aren't interested or they know they have other intentions, they won't say anything or give any type of feedback. This was just so strange.

[best]

Though it may not have been the right thing to do...
cutting his stuff up must have felt good at the time.
Seems he left you long before. Just put actions to his thoughts.
Yup we sure know how to play the game at times.
What I try to get across to others... it isn't you, it wasn't you...it is him.
My wife bent over backwards and still I moved out. The selfishness inside of me was more powerful then her every kind loving action she tried.
Once I found the cure we had gotten back together though.
As to the child support and alimony... adultary would make the alimony null and void. Most states would take the total alotment that should be used for child support and have each pay their own percentage. My wife made twice my pay so at 300 a week she was responsable for 200 and my amount the remaining 100. (just to use round numbers) Where the children lived with her...she kept the 200 of her own money and I had to give my portion to her as well.
He will be in for a suprise I would think.
Your pastor seems to be a wise person. Yes to praying for him also. Even if he doesn't agree with your boundaries and thus doesn't come home...still pray for his soul all the same.
God bless you

[Paulie]

I am sorry that this is happening to you and your kids.

As best said, it is not about you and really has nothing to do with you. I know that must be hard to understand right now, but it will come.

I hear people say stuff alot like 'he is in recovery he should not be acting like that' well recovery is something that we have to work, like a job kinda. You only get out of it what you put into it. And just because someone goes to meetings and has a sponsor does not make them a good respectable person. As you said yourself he goes to church on Sundays but does not live God's will during the week, same thing with recovery.

Try and stay focused on what is important, that is YOU and YOUR KIDS. He is going to do what he is going to do. I too think it is good that the # is changed so you can't call.

As it is said by some wise women around here, sometimes doing nothing is what needs to be done for a while. Just take it slow and get through each day putting one foot in front of the other. Second quessing and trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing won't get you anywhere.

God Bless.

[crowzhome]

Thank you for your responses. I am trying really hard to stay focused. It hurts to find out someone that you love doesn't love you. It is so hurtful.

What exactly is love? That is what I am asking myself. How can you no longer love someone? How does that happen?

I think if you ever loved someone, that love never goes away. It is still there somewhere, but it is just dormant because it isn't being used and then you forget. Out of sight, out of mind.

Well, I pray every morning that god will give me the strength that I need to get through the day. I can't let myself think about the hurt I feel, otherwise I'll be stuck.

Thanks again for the words.

[Paulie]

Remember, he doesn't love himself, so he doesn't know how to love you right now. That is different than NOT loving you.

I hope you have a good day.

[crowzhome]

Good point.

I will and you do the same.

[Tink]

KEEP STRONG, I am not sure if he is using/drinking again, if that is the case then all this behavior is addict behavior, remember a relapse begins long before they pick up the drink or drug

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi crowzhome,

Just want to add my sympathy and tell you a bad joke. Why did the addict cross the road?


Who knows? Who knows why they do anything?

We can make ourselves nuts trying to follow the reasoning of a person who clearly isn't using any. It's rotten and unfair and not your fault.

Extra hugs,
Smoke

[crowzhome]

Smoke gets in my eyes . . .

Just starting the day and just wanted to let you know that I got your message. I am starting to live again for me. It has been so quiet and peaceful around here.

I do find myself wondering if he is ok, but then I stop and try and not let me head wander like that.

Anyway, thanks again.

[lookingpeace]

hi. i just went through the same thing, but on a smaller scale. it was with my boyfriend. he left me for someone else, after i had helped him get back on his feet, etc. he's been sober for two years, but doesn't go to AA.
i realize now that he relationship hops and as soon as one gets too intense, he lines up another and runs to that person. telling lies about the previous person.
i was/am devastated. we had shared so much. how can he just replace me and act like i never existed?
this is a pattern with addicts? i don't know, but want to find out.

[crowzhome]

Hi Lookingpeace:

I'm not sure if this is a pattern with addicts or not. Maybe it is that it hurts too much to think of all the things they put us through and then they run. I'm tired of trying to figure it out.

Everyone tells me that I should be glad, that he did me a favor. In a way I am relieved because I don't think I could have been the one to ever walk away, but then I get sad because I want my family together.

Hang in there and it might be a good thing to follow this link and read this article. Someone from here forwarded it to me and it really opened my eyes.

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPE...arcissist.msnw

[Time2Surrender]

Crowzhome,I am sorry to hear you are going through this.It sounds like you stuck with this guy through thick and thin.And now he chose to give into lust.I know this probably doesnt help now,but in the long run maybe you will be better off without him if he can abandon his family like this.Hang in there.

[lookingpeace]

thanks crowzhome. i went to my first al-anon meeting last nite in many years. it was really good. i had the revelation last weekend that the reason my ex left me is because he is an addict.
this, i've found out, is a pattern with addicts. they avoid true intimacy, and run and are able to jump into another relationship because they are able to shut down their feelings.
aren't you so glad you are incapable of that horrible behavior yourself?
i started praying as well, for God to love me and help me love myself. it's working, so far. i'm not a big believer in God, but it helps to pray to what people call a "higer power," even if it's just a higher power within yourself.

[hopefulwisher]

Just wanted to say that I hope all goes well for you and your family. And dont let him get off scott free - take him to court - not only is he an addict but also is committing adultery and then some more stuff!! Anyways, good luck with it all. Stay strong.

You are in my prayers,
HOPE

[lookingpeace]

are there any addicts out there who would be willing to explain why someone would run from one intense relationship to another and how they reconcile that in their brain? like do they miss the first person, etc.

[crowzhome]

He didn't just cut me off, he cut his children off also. He hasn't tried to see or speak to them since he has been gone. I spoke to him today and asked why is he treating his kids like this and he doens't get it. He said he just needs time right now and yes he is being selfish. I reminded him that it is almost a month and he didn't believe me, but when I reminded him of the date, he shut up.

He hasn't given me a penny since he has been gone. I sent in child support paper last week and he thinks I am doing it to get back at him. Unbelieveable. I can't believe this is the same person. So much hate in his heart. I don't know what happened to him.

[liveweyerd]

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

I am so sorry for your hurt. For the loss of the trust and security you hoped to have.

Hugs to you and your children,
live

[lookingpeace]

he was like that way all along. you didn't see it. these people have dr. jeckel and mr. hyde personalities. it's like a personality disorder. like sybil, did you ever see the movie?
i'm sure he was abused growing up, right?
abusers abuse. he'll do it to the next person. he didn't single you out.

[ButterflyChaser]

:hello2 Crowshome... your story just caught my heart! I am sooo soo sorry that you went thru something like this! man, this is every women's fear, i know that it's mine!
I just wanted to give u one of these ((((((((((crowshome))))))) letcha know that you are in my heart & I'm thinking of you & I KNOW you'll make it thru this!! You are a good -hearted person! Ü

[crowzhome]

Thanks Butterfly Chaser! I really think God took him away from me because he knew that I would have never left him and that he doesn't deserve us. He has better plans for us.

Yes, actions speak louder than words and I don't have to tell my kids about the type of person my husband is. They will see for their own eyes and they will make their decision about their dad based on that. Unlike my husband, I don't need to fill my children's heads with negative thoughts about him. He said when they get older, he is going to have a talk with them about what I did to him in the past. I told him to go ahead because they know that I have never walked out on them, they know I'm the one that they can depend on, they know were I am at whenever they need me, they know that I take care of them and love them unconditionally. If anything, they will turn on him for talking about their mother after everything he has done to us.

Thanks for the hugs and prayers.

[best]

Originally Posted by crowzhome

Unbelieveable. I can't believe this is the same person. So much hate in his heart. I don't know what happened to him.

Selfishness, pride, ignorance, stubborn, pigheaded... I could go on.
My wife said the shocker for her... I became rude and nasty in my selfishness.
The emotions, when we let them take control are like drugs in many ways.
Did I love my wife before? Yes but... in the only manner I knew how to.
Do I love her now? Yes... because for me the cure was finding out what "real" love is. An unselfish giving to others. A giving without expecting anything in return. A giving because it is needed, wanted, required, the right thing to do, and when done correctly is a gift unto self from the joy of said giving.
I found my answers in the bible and by following what I learned there, I found I was also working the steps of recovery at the same time.
The best we can do for him is pray and with that may he find the answers. Added prayers for peace in your life as well.

[crowzhome]

Best -

Yes. . . exactly. I appreciate you giving me the "other side" perspective. It is good to know there is still hope for him. Even if it means that we will never be together, atleast maybe he can recognize before it is too late for him and his kids.

[lookingpeace]

best, did you leave your wife at some point? if so, did you go back?