Is it me?

[abtchonamission]

Hi everyone. I thought I would post this here, rather than in Nar-Anon, since it has more to do with relationship issues that anyone would have, at least on my part.

Yesterday, my A went to work. He usually doesn't work on Sunday, as it is a day we try to put aside for family time. He came in about 11:30 am for about 10 minutes and said he had only about 1 hour left, he should be home within that hour. He also said if it ended up going longer that that, he'd call. Well, I didn't hear a word from him all day. He came home about 5:15 or so, I went to the store about 5, and was back around 5:30, so I'm averaging here. That is a lot longer than an hour. I don't have a problem with him working if he needs to. But, I was upset that he made no effort to let me know that he would be longer - HE was the one who said he would call. Yes, he is an addict, but he has been in recovery and is doing well, and I believe that he can continue to stay that way, as I believe that he truly wants this for himself. I did not at any point yesterday, think that he was getting high. I simply thought that he was being very inconsiderate as any number of things could have gone wrong (he not so long ago fell 20' off scaffolding), 5 hours is much different than 1 hour. He is acting like I'm horrible, that I don't trust him, and actually thinks that he can act self-righteous because he wasn't high - when that was never the issue! The issue is that he was inconsiderate. Anyway, I don't need to ramble, I just wanted to explain how this looked to me, and ask if it is just me, or is that inconsiderate? I am more upset now about the fact that he didn't call because HAD he called, I wouldn't have been upset that he didn't call, and he wouldn't have gone into self-defense mode and made this about his addiction rather than just facing up to the fact that he didn't call like he said he would. I never thought he was doing ANYTHING wrong, I just didn't appreciate not getting a phone call, especially considering how late he was.

Any input would be appreciated.

Trisha

[Gabe]

He said he'd call if it was going to be longer than an hour.
He didn't.
That's inconsiderate in my book.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with you not trusting him.

[abtchonamission]

Thank you Gabe. It helps to hear someone else say that. I could understand if it were 15 or 20 minutes, even an hour because of the kind of work he does, but 5 HOURS late - I think that is DEFINITELY worthy of a phone call. I just wonder why it is that he's turned this into "you don't trust me, I didn't get high" - I never said he did, and I never thought he did. I just simply thought he was an A**. I said "what happened to calling me" and he went right into self defense mode, therefore causing the argument. I'll admit, though, it felt good to yell back at him that I wasn't mad that he worked, I was mad that he didn't call. We don't have yelling arguments often, but I think I needed that one.

[last chance]

Not to long ago I had the same thing with my spouse,being a husband and father I just wanted to know if my spouse was ok and safe, and I as you, got the same thing that I didn't trust, I did it was out of love and caring that I wanted to know and make sure my spouse was ok so for being inconsiderate I think it was

[abtchonamission]

therefore causing the argument.

I'd like to rephrase this, because we both caused the argument, maybe setting off the tone of the argument might have been better.

[journeygal]

Hi Trisha,

No, you weren't being unreasonable.

You were angry and you reacted out of anger, making him defensive. It doesn't make you right or him wrong. Next time (and unfortunately there will probably be a next time ), maybe wait an hour or so before you say something and let him know calmly that you aren't accusing him of any wrongdoing, but you were concerned and would appreciate a phone call next time so that you won't be sitting around worried about him, or something along those lines.

That way you can save the bitching and venting for us!

[abtchonamission]

Originally Posted by journeygal

That way you can save the bitching and venting for us!

Are you sure you want me to do that??? LOL

Actually, he called me at work this morning and asked me to meet him at lunch (his current job site is 2 minutes from my office.) SO, as we were driving to the restaurant, he apologized about yesterday (I had apologized last night, and asked him to please try to understand that 1 hour turning into the original hour and 5 more, is not so easy for me to understand). I had the opportunity to talk to him about it while he was in the mood to discuss it, and put it this way - if I were to tell him I'd be back in an hour, and was still not back 5 hours after I was supposed to be, he would be worried. I have never given him reason to think that I was out getting F'd up, so he'd be worried about accidents, etc...if that could happen, why is it so incomprehensible to him that I could be worried about him without having to be worried about him getting high. I still don't think that he believes me, despite the fact that I bitched about no phone call, never once did I bring up using. I didn't bring it up, because I didn't think it. I guess that just like I had to take time to trust him again, he will need time to be confident that I do trust him. At least things are not so strained this evening. I might just point out my post about how good I felt things have been lately. Maybe that will help him begin to realize that I do have some faith in him...just not about him calling I do think that we had a good conversation about it today, though, even if it was a short one. He's at a "Hep C Hope" meeting right now, so I'm sure when he gets home we'll have more opportunity to talk.
Thanks again. It really helps to have a place to talk about this stuff. I was beginning to actually believe that I was unreasonable to feel that a simple two minute phone call was just a common courtesy.

[Gabe]

I think we Codies get triggered big by "not knowing".
And while it's really our job to let go and let God, if a short phone call can keep us from hours of "not knowing" then the short phone call is priceless.

[Ann]

If he had called, you could have made other plans for the day. Instead, his oversight caused both of you a bad day. I'd be upset too.

Hugs
Ann

[abtchonamission]

Thanks. It does feel good to know that others agree that a phone call can be worth something. And yes, Ann, completely agree with your statement that I could have done something else if I had known he wouldn't be around. I hate playing the "hurry up and wait" game, because it wastes my time, but it seems like everytime I give up on waiting and just go, he's back 5 minutes after I leave...I have the luck of the Irish! I think he did understand what I was saying to him though - tonight he went to a Hep C Hope meeting, and it went over about 15 minutes, he called when it let out to let me know that he was on his way - and I've never, even at my worst, bitched about 15 or 20 minutes! Tomorrow is a new day. Another day to work on me. I've found some things in this post to take into tomorrow, like waiting an hour before saying anything when I'm upset, I think that could be a good thing to put into practice. I think I might leave that part about save the bitching for here though; you would all dread reading my posts!!!!!!!!! I think I'll keep passing that one around, rather than dumping it all in one place - Mike says often that 99 percent of the time I bitch, I have a valid reason for it.

[Hopefloats]

Hi abtch....I agree...calling is just the considerate thing to do...it has nothing to do with him using. It is a matter of putting our loved one's mind at rest. My bf and I have an agreement...and we are not addicts. We just believe in letting the other person know if we are to be late.

Every morning he sends me an e-mail telling me he has arrived at work. This is something he has always done. IF I did not get that mail...I would really worry.

I am glad you and hubby got to talk. Hopefully the communication will clear things up...
God Bless..
Hopefloats

[Truth]

i would feel the same way. my bf is an alcoholic and has been in AA for 45 days and he seems to be doing the most inconsiderate and selfish things and then blaming it on the fact that he is an alcoholic. We usually speak everyday and last week i called him at 8pm and i still didn't hear from him by 11:15 and i was actually worried and ready to go to sleep. I called him again( i don't usually call him if he doesn't call but i was annoyed) and he said he was going to call me when he got home. i pointed out to him that it was really late to be first speaking at 11:30 and that i hadn't been feeling well and wanted to go to bed at a normal hour. It turned out that he was having a bad day and took a break by playing video games and lost track of time. I know that is exactly what he was doing but why couldn't he call just to let me know he was ok and say goodnight and ask how my day was. Even if he didn't want to talk, it would have been considerate to just call for two minutes and tell me that. ok sorry just totally vented. i am in al anon and will be getting a sponser soon.