Codependency in relationships

[Gabe]

"Experiencing codependency in relationships is very common and should not be seen as totally pathological or problematic. It all depends on how serious and 'obsessive' the codependency is with in the relationships.

Mutuality, reciprocity are vital aspects of healthy human relationships, but when one or both partners live only for the other person and cannot exist without them, then intense codependency in relationships is being exhibited.

An overpowering need for intimacy, nurturing and consolation can stem from a childhood of neglect and abuse. As a child the deep primal needs of nurturing were never provided and so become the 'obsessions' of the adult who longs for them in every relationship of significance. Neglected children frequently express codependency in relationships in adult life.

The real feeling is the 'heartache of absence' brought about my unfulfilled nurturing and love in childhood.The child constantly needs affirmation from the parents, but when this doesn't come a void is created, whose appetite in insatiable, and is constantly hungry. This becomes the foundation of codependency in relationships.

Codependence in relationships is about emotionally hungry people who need their insatiable appetites for affection and affiirmation to be satisfied.

Most of us have these appetites, although some are so large that they produce emotionally obese people who almost totally consume the people around them with their needs for affection, attention and affirmation."
~ From marriage-relationships.com

Emotionally obese people...I love it.

[journeygal]

Two married codies makes for a very needy, push/pull relationship.

When Jack isn't using, he constant need for affirmation from his mom, his sister, his wife, his daughter, his friends, heck even his dogs is overwhelming. I seek the same from my parents and from him but not to the same degree. I'm trying to learn to fill my appetite with self-love, but sadly he has not reached that point.

It's so sad that so many people suffer from a basic lack of love and nurturing. When you're pregnant, the doctors tell you to eat right, exercise, don't drink, and take your prenatal vitamins. But they never tell you how important it is to love and nurture your child. Too bad they can't put that in a vitamin...

[Gabe]

Two Codies make for a very needy, push/pull relationship, period. Whether they are married or not.
The whole needy thing is about trying to get someone else to fulfill your needs.
And about your happiness depending on what someone else does, or doesn't do.
It just doesn't work.
We needy Codies can bleed someone dry looking to them to fulfill our needs.
We need to look to ourselves to fill our needs.
Happiness and fulfillment come from within.
When we constantly tug on someone else for that, we are ignoring the best parts of ourselves.
Life works better when we quit ringing other people's doorbells and start ringing our own.

[abtchonamission]

Gabe,
I just want to say thank you. This is anothe one of those things to copy into my "me" file. I like the idea of reading this over again at different points. I see in it a reminder of where I was, where I am now, and where I can go...
Trisha

[Truth]

I definitely know that my parents were not emotional givers. My father was depressed and withdrawn and unemotional and my mother doesn't deal with anything sad or hard and stayed with my dad for 18 years. She has trouble listening and focusing when u speak to her. They are both self-absorbed and don't really listen or give support well. It is clear why I am with a man who is an alcoholic, depressed, childlike, needy, and selfish. What is strange is that for the first year, he wasn't like that. His alcoholism didn't even interfere that much with our life together. I don't drink at all. I guess we were tested when he lost his job and became depressed and anxious and i rushed in to help him and make him feel better no matter how needy he was. Definitely in a state of codependence. His mother passed away when he was young and his father was like my father so we have a lot to work on.

[Novemberphoenix]

Well Gabe you certainly hit the bullseye here! Been working on ringing my own doorbell. That is pretty much all I can deal with regarding this subject right now.

More food for thought and increased self awareness, thanks Gabe!

Marie

[PrincessB]

How do you convince/teach someone in recovery to start ringing thier own doorbell a bit more and still be in a loving relationship with them?!?

Is it possible?

[giz]

great post Gabe!

[Dunitall]

Princess

I'm not sure you can convince a loved one to ring their own bell or indeed in my case, to stop drinking.

My ex-g/f spent ages trying to help me out and it exhausted her. I mean completely. The desire to change has to come from within the codie/alcoholic.

For me, I display the classic codie signs. Neglected childhood, starved emotionally and now a recovering alcoholic.

I cherish my sobriety and care deeply for my ex-g/f. It is only through working a recovery programme that I can make the changes in myself in order to become the person I want to be. It's not easy, but one day at a time, if we work hard, we can grow spiritually and emotionally.

Hugs.

Rich

[Hopefloats]

Great info Gabe, and the thing is we cannot fill that "void" for another. Filling the void is only something that a person can do for themselves. They Do seek it though...through other people, addictions and anything they think they can find to fill UP..But we know it just does not work....

Glad to see this posted. I am very fortunate. I came from a very loving family....but I understand truly how this happens...
(((hugs)))
Hopefloats