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Old 06-18-2017, 07:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Careless


Long story short, I have always been introverted, private and have found it difficult to emotionally connect with and trust people. It made me mildly self conscious in my younger years, but athletic activities kept me from having a lot of time for friends or boyfriends. At 25 a devastating loss left me in despair with a lot for free time on my hands. I went to a bar for the first time and (looking back on it now) I found that alcohol turns me into the fun, extroverted, popular party girl I had always secretly admired. I connected with people on an emotional level, and I even opened up enough to put trust in a few people. During my "alcohol and depression fueled binge, I met, fell in love and married.

Now that I am sober, I have morphed back into the girl I was before. I enjoy my life the way it is now However, after a year and a half of sobriety and almost 2 years of marriage. My brain has disengaged the emotional and trusting connections I had made.... including the one with my husband. This lack of connection has completely ruined the intimacy with my husband, I have absolutely no desire for sex and it is making me feel very guilty. I was never big on sex before (alcohol helped), but I feel like it has gotten worse and every time my husband tries to get intimate it actually makes me irritated.

Any advice? Should I seek private or marriage counseling? Does anyone else have experience with these dramatic personality changes in themselves or loved ones after recovery? How the hell does someone tell their spouse that they don't want to have sex with them? I have even considered divorce because I feel so guilty that my husband has married a lie.
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Old 06-18-2017, 09:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm not sure the source of your avoidance of intimacy, but I understand being married to a woman that feels that way. If you have an abuse history I would recommend private counseling. Maybe just start there to help understand yourself better. My wife didn't tell me about her abuse background until a few years after we were married. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know why. It has been very difficult. I gave up on sex or intamacy. Lots of frustration, anger and bitterness.
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Old 06-19-2017, 05:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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No history of abuse, maybe I should have mentioned that. I grew up never really fond of closeness or intimacy. I hated hugging my relatives when I was little (though I loved to hug everyone when I was drunk). I always figured it was just my personality and after taking a personality test (after sobering up) and talking to people with the same type, I find that, keeping people at a distance, to be fairly common. . I have lost the friendships I made when I was drinking because everything we did revolved around drinking and I'm not really upset by that because I prefer much more to be alone.

My biggest problem rests with my husband. I want to make it work, because I know he is still all in to this marriage and how much it would hurt him. I also enjoy spending time with him. There are things that bother me about him that I didn't notice when I was drinking, but nothing I would divorce him over. I just can't get past this lack of wanting intimacy issue. Perhaps looking into counseling is the way to go.
Thanks for your response, SimplyFree, perhaps I should have made a longer, more detailed post to clear up any confusion.
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Certainly there are people who aren't big on intamacy due to personality and that is fine and normal. I don't know that you need to change other than meeting your husbands need. Since he loves you and wants the marriage to work, it doesn't seem like a deal breaker currently. If you go cold to him there may come a time he is tempted or becomes resentful. Ask your husband what is important to him whether it is staying fit or a specific amount of sex he needs to be ok. Most of all when you are intimate, don't "check out". Otherwise it really is just sex instead of bonding.
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Old 06-21-2017, 06:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I reread your post in which you say you want to make it work because your husband is into the marriage and you don't want to hurt him, but what about you? What do you want? Maybe counselling can help you uncover that answer.

I stayed married because I didn't want to hurt my spouse nor did I know how to honestly look at myself. Counselling helped.

Good luck!
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