The Dream is Over

[compassion]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, and quite glad I found this forum. I love the Internet, and have been wanting to bring my recovery online.

My first post is about grieving. I am a 29 year-old woman (will turn 30 next month, HP willing) who grew up in a dysfunctional family that, unfortunately, has not followed me into recovery. My brother (34, non-alcoholic or addict) is supportive, and my parents are...as long as I can provide an exact timetable of my recovery (which, of course, I can't). I am 20 months sober from alcohol and marijuana through the miracle of A.A., attend meetings daily, have a sponsor and a growing network of sober friends and allies.

My dad, a super-passive ex-policeman, after coming to see me in rehab in Spring 2003, attended Al-Anon for about six months. He stopped going because he felt he "didn't have anything to contribute." I think I was sexually abused by him and several other male relatives throughout the course of my childhood. I say, "I think" because I'm still sorting it all out after 13 years of smoking and drinking large holes into my memory.
My mother was a rageaholic who worked nights (6PM to 2AM) from when I was 6 to 12 years old. Basically, she is an unemotional, avoidant personality with whom I still can't get along. I got a BA degree in writing, and I still can't come up with the words to describe how years of persistent and piercingly focused verbal, physican and emotional abuse from this woman has scarred me for life. She remains completely emotionally out-of-touch with the realities: a) the things she says effect people emotionally, and b) that she might have fallen some centimeters short in her mothering, especially of ME, her sole daughter.

I lost a job I'd only had for a week last week, because I showed up late a bunch of times. My sleep has been chronically ******-up since I was a kid (go figure!), and I've been on antidepressants for two years with varying success. In my never-ending attempts to involve my family in my life, whether good or bad, I called my parents tonight after another characteristic weeks-long gap in communication.

Long story short, my mother gave me the ages-old thrashing. I bought into it, that much I can admit. I keep revisiting the whipping post, and I'm totally sick of it. I called my sponsor afterward feeling totally depleted, after listening to my mother repeating, "What's wrong? What's wrong? I know people who'd kill for a job that started at 11AM...when are you going to be able to join the world of work? You have to know that when things go wrong for you, they're going to hit ME in the pocketbook! You're almost 30 years old!" (etc.) I felt like I always do after speaking to her, whether or not something has gone "WRONG" (and something either has, or is about to, with her, always)...like the piece of **** at the center of the universe, like there's no way in HELL I'm ever going to get over feeling like I have NO FOUNDATION because my mother could care less whether I lived or died.

Anyway, the bottom line is this: I need to grieve the loss of my Dream Family. I am NEVER going to have a "normal" mother who tells me everything's gonna be all right. In fact, I'm stuck with a looped tape in my head repeating, "You're never going to be all right you DEFECT!" I need to start this mourning RIGHT NOW. In sobriety, I've been blessed (as it were) with getting to go to rehab, several jobs (which I've either quit or got fired from), school through VESID (that's about to throw me out because I'm taking too long to finish), and a roof over my head (albeit with two schizophrenic women who I'm about to kill after being here for over a year). I veer wildly between beating myself SENSELESS over my "slow progress," and knowing I NEED to take things at a pace I can manage, lest my dual diseases of alcoholism/pot addiction and depression take me down into the Abyss.

I am venting because I'm extremely bummed out, and scared. I know my parents are just sick people who don't have the gift of a program of recovery in their lives (much less any clue that they have anything to recover FROM). I called myself "compassion" here because that's the thing I most strive to be, but I can't seem to afford myself that luxury EVER. Does anyone have any suggestions as to groups in NYC, books, websites, or rooms that I can attend, in order to grieve two parents who AREN'T DEAD?

Thanks for listening.

Carol

[VictoriaB]

Carol - I am new to this as well and you are the first I read and replied to. You have a very interesting case going on here. I would like to help. I live in Texas so I can't recommend any support group but there are some books out there that can help you. Do you like to read? You first need and I recommend therapy, you should try and find out what it is about your Dad that you can remember. Many abuse (sexual) children "repress" their emotions, thought and discomforts. I know My child was molested by the babysitters grandson at the age of 5. She is 18 now and still remembers. It is every Mother's nightmare and this atributed to my addiction to alcohol and prescription pills (Vicadin and somas). I only have 6 months clean, one day and some times one second at a time, but I am making it. I would love to suggest a book to you that I am reading about grief. Are you interested? Let me know. I am getting sort of tired but would love to speak with you, tomorrow or possibly Monday. OK/ Waiting to here from you kiddo, hang in there. How is your spiritality going? Where is YOUR GOD today?
Love
Victoria

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by compassion

... Hello everyone,...

Hello, and welcome aboard :-)

Originally Posted by compassion

... I am 20 months sober from alcohol and marijuana through the miracle of A.A., attend meetings daily, have a sponsor and a growing network of sober friends and allies.

Way cool, congratulations!

Originally Posted by compassion

... I need to grieve the loss of my Dream Family. ...

I had to do that too. I also have a completely crazy family. Kinda like yours, only older.

Originally Posted by compassion

... I keep revisiting the whipping post, and I'm totally sick of it...

I know the feeling. I'm glad you're finally sick of it. You don't have to live like that anymore, you can live a happy, normal, joyous life. Just like in AA you are free of the insanity of addiction, you can now be free of the insanity of your past.

Originally Posted by compassion

... In sobriety, I've been blessed (as it were) with getting to go to rehab, several jobs (which I've either quit or got fired from), school through VESID (that's about to throw me out because I'm taking too long to finish), and a roof over my head ...

Actually, that's pretty good. You're doing better than I did. I arrived in AA while living in a dumpster as a wino. At two years I had moved up town to living in a car.

Originally Posted by compassion

... I called myself "compassion" here because that's the thing I most strive to be, but I can't seem to afford myself that luxury EVER...

Yup, I still struggle with that one. Here's an idea, how about you let us have compassion for you, and then you can just borrow it from us a little bit at a time?

Originally Posted by compassion

... Does anyone have any suggestions as to groups in NYC, books, websites, or rooms that I can attend,

Dunno about NYC, but the best darn website is this one right here. Check out the ACA forum, search thru the old posts, check out all the articles.

Originally Posted by compassion

... in order to grieve two parents who AREN'T DEAD? ...

One of the things that helped me the most is that in the ACA program we learn that we are powerless over our past. That trying to change it makes our lifes unmanageable. In my case, it nearly made me crazy. What helped me the most was _not_ to grieve over my parents and my past, but to work on making myself sane just for _today_, one day at a time.

Whadya think?

As far as other web resources, here's a good list to get you started.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/links/a...lcoholics.html

Books? Here ya go

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p/t-12297.html

Forum to share experience strength and hope

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=50

There's lots of good people here, they welcomed me with warmth and kindness, so feel free to jump in the water and join the party :-)

Mike :-)

[Cindi]

Wow! You and I have led such a similar life. I just turned 30-(by the grace of God)-Recently lost my job and I also believe I was sexually abused by a Family member (it was a one-time incident) and I also sometimes question if it happened-the haze alcohol and pills can induce makes you wonder sometimes if your even alive sometimes).

I have an extremely unsupportive Family and terrible Health Insurance (BC/BS Health Options) I need to go to In-Patient Treatment-I know that much- but they are only willing to cover Outpatient. If I get through this it will be a miracle..

[Gabe]

Hey Carol,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I know of that feeling of loss when it comes to the mother/daughter connection. My mother has fallen more than centimeters short when it comes to mothering.
I'm not sure I ever grieved the loss, as I never felt like I had it to begin with.
I certainly felt the lack of a mother for most of my life.
When friends would talk about their relationships with their mothers, or things that they did with their mothers, I would just listen like a stranger in a strange land.
At some point, I realized that we all get dealt our hand of cards.
Mine didn’t include a mother/daughter relationship.
My choice from there was to either live in the lack, or to find a way to live a happy life regardless of what was missing.
I chose the latter, as living in the lack has never served me well.
I came to accept my mother as a emotionally sick person who I happen to be related to biologically.
The best offense being a good defense and all, I took all of what she didn’t give me and turned it around when I had kids. Kind of like learning a lesson in reverse.
Every time I was there for my kids in a way that my mother wasn’t there for me, it was like a gift.
So I guess what I’m trying to say, in a long-winded way, is that if we focus on the lack, we live in an empty place.
If we find a way to focus on the gifts we have at hand, we live in a place where there is a lot more light.
Gabe

[Ann]

So I guess what I’m trying to say, in a long-winded way, is that if we focus on the lack, we live in an empty place.
If we find a way to focus on the gifts we have at hand, we live in a place where there is a lot more light.

Wow, Gabe, wise words and just what I needed to read. Thank you!!

Hugs
Ann

[Trooth]

Compassion, the only I can say is you have to work on you. Forget everything else. No one is responsible for you, but you. Regaurdless of what has happened, you have a choice in your response. Whether it brings you down, or motivates you, or whether you rehearse constantly, or whether you brush it off, how you respond is your choice.

It is hard to deal with things that have happened in the past. I used to use drugs or alchohol to cope with things like that. My therapy was to rely on something else to make me numb, or make me not care, etc. Through exercising my freewill and realizing that I can choose my response, I am learning different ways of coping. It isn't an overnight fix, it is a long process. I have to learn to not beat myself up for what I have done in the past. When I catch myself dwelling on those things, I make a conscious effort to think of something else. Honestly, it is working miracles in my life and emotional well being.