And the lies continue......

[StandingStrong]

I wasn't really sure where to post this but I suppose this seems like the correct forum.

For those of you that may remember, my son had told me last month that when he went to the Nascar race with his Dad the month before, that his Dad was drinking and that he (my 15 year old son) had a beer as well.

Then, after my AH and I had discussed it and he said that our son did NOT drink, we planned to sit down with our son to discuss the issue. Well, when that day came....they didn't show up. I called AH on his cell phone to clarify that they weren't coming over (we have other kid's and I didn't want them to be in earshot of the conversation and needed to make arrangements for my AH and son's arrival). Needless to say, I was highly upset when AH told me that he had "forgotten" about our meeting and that they weren't coming. But offered to come over later - to which I said "no". Some time later after our arguement (yes, it turned into a major arguement) my son called me and asked me if I had told his Dad what he had told me about his drinking. I told him that I had and we discussed it. My son then told me that he (my son) had lied to me and that he really hadn't drank!!!!!!! Then later, my AH called me. He told me that our son had just told him that he had called me, etc.

Well, since this all happened, I have been confused as well as hurt (and many other emotions as well). While I thought that my son's reasons for telling me this lie were lame, I also know my son and the reasons seem like something he would feel. However.....I also have wondered all along if he had drank but lied to me when he told me he didn't to cover up for his Dad.

Tonight I got my answer. My son did drink at the Nascar race with his Dad. AH's brother, who was at the race with them confirmed it. (Even down the amount of beer my son had - one!)

So now I know that my son lied to me to cover up for his Dad.
I know that my AH has been lying to me all along.

I don't know what to do. Do I confront my AH? Do I try to talk to my son about lying to cover up for his Dad? Do I say anything as it will involve the brother (who has no idea what's been going on with this topic betweeen AH, son, and I)?

I am so ready to just walk away from my marriage for good.
I'm convinced that some things will just never change.

[Ann]

You're right, some things will never change, and some that will are not ours to change anyway.

I would stay honest with your son, without beating the issue to death. He probably knows you know he lied about lying, so why not let that one go?

Just stay open and honest with your son about your concerns, and let the rest go. If your son was older, I would suggest letting go altogether, but because of his age (about 16? right?), I would stay open to discussions (two-way) with him.

Hope this helps.

Hugs
Ann

[lonlion]

Hi Standing; I think its one thing for them to lie, but to involve your son and ask him to lie.....very very wrong! It put your son in a bad situation.
There really is little you can do at this point, except to educate your son of the dangers of drinking and drugs, and the fact that he will always be prone to it because of genetics. Encourage him to be honest and open with you.
I feel bad for your son, because he is trying to please both parents and its such a conflict of interest. Even though he is still a minor, unfortunately, he will do what he chooses to do in life.
I assumed from your post that your AH is not living with you. If thats the case then it sounds like you have already taken steps to detach/separate to a degree. Do what is best for you, and try not to let him drive you crazy with anger. Myself, I have a hard time with people who are so gutless and lacking in character that they can't be open and honest about things. They fear retribution, but come on....be a man! They act like they are still little boys afraid to get caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I know its true that they are emotionally imature because of their using, but they will never be able to grow up if they don't take responsibility for thier actions. Take a giant step back emotionally, for yourself. We didn't cause this, we can't cure this and we can't control this.
Bottom line is, take care of you, go to alanon meetings and start healing yourself, for you and your other kids.
Love Diana

[StandingStrong]

I had posted some time back about having made an appt. with a lawyer. It's next month. Right now, I feel like simply stating facts to AH and flat out telling him that he had his chance to prove himself but you cannot build a foundation for a relationship on lies; therefore I really just want to end the marriage as we really don't seem to have one.
I figure that I will eventually tell my son that I do know the truth. I worry that he will feel guilt for the break up of the marriage though if he should believe this was the breaking point for me. Ya know?
I don't know. I was thinking this morning about how when he moved out, I had told him to prove himself to me. I was thinking of both the negative things that he's proven as well as the positive. And while the positive are good - the negative are there as well and I can't continue to ignore that as I did for the first 15 years we were together. I no longer feel the willingless to accept the unacceptable. And now that my son has put himself in the situation to cover for his Dad, I really just feel that AH's lack of responsibility is proving itself. I guess a part of me doesn't want to see it - but with my eyes open now, I can't help but see it in neon lights.
I feel calm now. Though I feel defeated as well. And though I know I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it --- well, let's be honest, it sucks anyways.