End of Dreams, death of romance

[utopia]

hi,

i just was ina short rlsp with a guy and while some people have laughed at several weeks being nothing for me i fell heavy and fast.

LOVE- i have always seen it as having so many levels and interpretations and i reject the laws of time and when its really love is after a month and all that cladtrap. when you feel it, it was real enough for me. when i cared enough to be accepting of him enitrely, when he only wanted friendship i didnt feel angry at the previous kissing and romancing.

to some degree i was waiting to fall in love. i was obsessed with tragic operas and romantic tchaikovsky sunsets, romance was my fetish. and along came HE and filled the role of lover and friend.

i was already complete but he was fulfilling my fantasies and saying all the right words, it scared, excited and delighted me that my life was becoming a real life romance! and then the dream ended, he moved away from me and clumsily dropped my heart into the mud.

i feel stunned, indifferent, melancholic, accepting and hope that he is happy and am letting him go slowly.

but one thing has changed, my dreams have been shattered and blown away and i dont feel romantic anymore. ive lost the fetish for romanticism and wonder what is happening to me, what hurts the most is that the dreams of love i had all my life are now completely gone.
for the first time i feel i dont even want a rlsp, i dont care deepyl for sex and i cant even be bothered swooning over romance anymore. those dreams have died and been carried away on the winds.

is this a good or bad thing? change can go either way, anybody know what im feeling or gone thru the same?

[serenity777]

oh my utopia, can i relate! i'm 45 and an alcoholic. i've had 3 long term relationships in my life. all with unheathy men...but what i've realized is I was very unhealthy too. I'm in the process of getting over one now. what i'm starting to realize is I "Love Being In LOVE" LOL the whole romance thing like you mentioned. but i ask myself was that LOVE? i ask a good friend of mine....how do you know when its love....she said its just like it is with your girlfriends....you talk to them about everything...they listen you listen...their there to support you...your there to support them and so on! one core belief....i had all my life was...i can't be happy without a man! So everytime i left this past relationship i would get depressed and we would get back together. but i don't believe its this man i'm IN LOVE with. It could have been any man. i just needed to be with someone so i could feel LOVED!!! So, now im grieving the core belief.........and starting to practice filling those needs i thougt i could get from a man. And yes, my desire for a relationship is dying quickly, feels a little scary, and little strange and a little uncomfortable at times...in fact at times its almost unbearable...but i get through those times...and then realize some new lesson. but i think for me its a good thing. I'm slowing beginning to learn to love my own company and realizing that i am ENOUGH!!! don't have it all yet, lol but its a process. my process!!! And some days i feel so empowered, so at peace, so comfortable with my life and all my accomplishments. hang in there, keep sharing, we really are worth it!!! hugs serenity777

[splendra]

((((((Utopia)))))))))

So many of us get into a fantacy world when it comes to relationships it becomes like using dope or alcohol. Our lover the drug of choice. When it ends we feel abandoned,betrayed,used.....hungover too just like when using.

I hope you can give yourself time before starting another relationship. So you can learn to be realistic. I too have lived in a fantacy world when it comes to relationships. We are powerless ya know. But, we can learn what is real and good for us. I think romance can be good if the base is real. A romantic dinner with some one that you really trust could be very nice. The trust needs to be firmly in place first not the romance....

[Tiro]

Oh brother can I relate.......I too am a recovering alcoholic 41 yrs old and no stranger to dysfunctional romances.

I have been sober six years and more and I am only now coming to an understanding of the obsession I have with love.

I get a high off the intrigue and drama of being in love.

I am currently experiencing withdrawal from my last separation from someone whom I cared very deeply for.(My second in less than a year)

The pain of it now is unbearable and I feel I am haemorrhaging inside.I feel I will die although my therapist tells me I will not.

The thing is, I went into this relationship knowing the risks involved and knowing that the incompatibility of our spiritual beliefs would one day become an issue and yet I could not resist the thrill that having a romantic affair with this person promised.

I have convinced myself that I NEED to be in a romantic relationship with a member of the opposite sex in order to feel complete and yet I know that this dysfunctional way of thinking is a product of deep childhood abandonment issues.But somehow I cannot seem to stop myself.

Unlike you utopia I do not however, feel disillusioned by love and already I am casting about for the next likely candidate for romance and intrigue.

I am a codependent and I have only one fear in life.........the fear of abandonment and being alone.......

I have just returned from a business function and had to leave in a hurry because I was doing what I know I should not be doing, sending out feelers and signals to potential candidates.....

My twenty year struggle with alcohol pales in comparison to the conflict within me now over my obsession with love..........I feel trapped, anxious and desperate.I wake up in my bed alone at nights and I cannot breathe.

I know I have to stay out of romance for at least a year and allow my pain of withdrawal to run it's course.I know what to do. What I lack is courage and commitment to do something about it.

Thanks for this thread.Just reading it and being able to respond in a way I could relate has made me feel better.