Love and Expectations

[Rowan]

Hi everyone
I'm Rowan, alcoholic. I don't believe I've ever posted in this particular forum. I'm struggling very much. I'm in a relationship with someone in recovery. I've
got a year in; previous to my one-night relapse, I had two years of sobriety. My b/f has 13 years. Why is it that in the beginning of a relationship, I am kind loving happy accepting etc etc then they fall in love with me and me with them and I start to change. I become somewhat short tempered and less tolerant of the person. I begin to resent certain things about them. And yet I want to be with them. I'm not going to focus on his behaviour, because I have gotten to be this way in each of my partnerships. I begin to expect things from the other person, when I know I need to practice acceptance, and to love them for the person they are, not for who I wish them to be.
But how to put this into practice? Why does this keep happening? Where is the lesson? Is there a lesson? Can anyone identify? My answer to this problem, in the past, is to sabotage and to end the union. I really like this guy. He's active in recovery and is genuinely kind and I enjoy spending time with him. He also has many hobbies which take away from our time together (although not excessively) and I have begun to resent these things too. We have experienced conflict of late, and it has upset us both and made us question our future together. I am frustrated and don't want to feel this way. I was doing well before this. Spiritual, sane and serene. And lonely.
Any insight or identification would be helpful. Thank you so much.

[lonlion]

Hi Rowan
I know for me, I have had to learn that there is usually fear behind the anger. Its sort of a hard one to figure out, but was taught this in treatment. I realized when I had anger with my partner, I had to take time to myself to sort it through instead of expressing it onto them and totally confusing them.
I realized all too often that my fear stemmed from my insecurites. I felt that my needs were not being met by my partner, which in turn created insecurities about the depth of his love for me. I know now, that it is up to me to meet my own needs, and not be dependant on someone else filling them for me. Sometimes there are a lot of things happening behind the scenes. For me, I was raised in a chaotic alcoholic household, where we constantly lived with "Whats coming next?" I tended to create chaos in my marriage when things were going smooth. As crazy as it sounds, it was comfortable for me, something I was accustomed to.
Do you have your own interests and activities outside of the home apart from him? Do you have fears of being in a committed relationship or being so vulnerable? I had to do some major soul searching myself. Hope this helps, and all the best to you.

[Rowan]

Thank you for your perspective, and for giving me something to think about. Yes, I have interests outside of the relationship; I have kids I am busy with, I attend many meetings and go out socially for coffee etc with friends I spend time exercising or reading or going for walks, watching movies etc. My pattern (in the past) is to become
so isolated in the relationship (as did my partner) that everyone and everything
ceased to exist. I don't want this anymore, and yet the alternative frightens me. Yes I know I have to love myself first and take care of my own needs and I try to, but once insecurities float to the surface, I find it difficult to ignore them and not to act on them. Your suggestion re taking the time to think things through rather than put my feelings of anger onto him was a good one. I will try that. Thanks.
R

[JT]

Hi...when I start getting all pissy about everthing Ward does including how he breathes I know that it is all about me. I don't like it, but I know it. So do you. As hard as it is during those times, practicing gratitude is my way out. Those are some really nice qualities you listed. Ward has quite a few of his own.

It has pretty much become like breathing for me when my actions are less than accepting. The actions are pretty easy to reign in...I just don't fuss at him...but the thoughts take a little longer.

And relationships ebb and flo...at least mine does. There are times when I am "off" and there are times when he is "off". It's the times when we are both "on" that are the best.

Hugs,
JT

[utopia]

Originally Posted by JT

There are times when I am "off" and there are times when he is "off". It's the times when we are both "on" that are the best.

JT

that was beautiful, thanks!!
toby

[Tiro]

The thing I crave most in a relationship is CONSTANT POSITIVE ATTENTION.

If I am not getting it I feel as if I am suffocating and that I will die.

And yet.....the thing I crave the most is also the thing I try to avoid.......intimacy.It is one of the great paradoxes of my obsession with love.

[Rowan]

Tiro
I too needed that constant positive attention. It's getting easier for me to accept life as it is today. I remind myself that just because my beau isn't on bended knee offering me flowers or a ring doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He shows love in a different way, and when I accept that, we get along just terrific. I've also had to learn to love myself outside of the relationship, and to remember that I have worth just the way I am, as a young independent woman.
You mentioned avoidance of intimacy, and yet a craving for it. Have you talked to a professional about this? Our sexual selves are so complex, and I couldn't begin to offer advice to you on that subject. I have experienced it though, although it was many years ago. I wish I could avoid intimacy - it has gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years! Thank God I don't have to live that that anymore!
God bless

[Tiro]

Rowan.Yes I am seeing a therapist.

Avoidance of "intimacy" (emotional and sexual) is a result of fear from not knowing how to respond in a relationship perhaps because as a child I never learned how to express my emotions and feelings in a healthy way.

[splendra]

Rowan-

I am wondering if it is possible that you have abandonment issues? It could be why you get nit picky out of fear of giving of yourself to someone who may leave you. My H does that. Everyone needs space and closness but, sometimes it is difficult to reach the balance especially if we are confused about what we are feeling or plain just do not know what it is that we are feeling. It has taken me a long time to simply be able to identify what I am feeling Sometimes, I still don't know how to identify what I am feeling.I am getting better at it. The feeling I have the most trouble identifying is anger. I guess because I have tried so hard to not be angry.

[Sandy Marie]

Hi Rowan,
I agree with the posts here and know that it's difficult to sort out what is your part versus his part in the relationship. Maybe he's a great guy...but just not for you. I know a lot of great guys, but wouldn't necessarily want a relationship with them. Maybe this isn't the one.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Sandy

[Ann]

Rowan

Something you posted caught my eye...

Why is it that in the beginning of a relationship, I am kind loving happy accepting etc etc then they fall in love with me and me with them and I start to change.

They fall in love with you...what about you? Do you fall in love also, or do you fall in love with them "because" they fall in love with you?

I think that "falling in love" should take time, that you can't fall in love with a person that you don't even really know yet...that's infatuation, not love.

I don't know you, or your circumstance when this happens, so I'm just thinking out loud, okay?

I think that many of us can confuse infatuation with love, with infatuation perhaps being an attraction to each other, but love being deeper and taking more time. Love happens "after" you get to know the person and find that this person has qualities you admire and is a person that you truly enjoy being with, talking to and with whom you would like to share your life. Infatuation fades in time, as you discover the person is not the type of person you are truly looking for. Love grows with time, as you connect on a deeper level with someone who you admire as a person and to whom you are also "attracted".

Knowing the difference can help you make healthier choices.

Hugs
Ann

[Gabe]

I agree with Ann.
Falling in love takes time and it takes getting to know someone.
Infatuation is often confused with love.
And love definitely grows in time. as you connect on a deeper level with someone who you admire and cherish as a person and to whom you are also attracted.
Knowing the difference is all about healthy choices.
Love feels right.
Infatuation makes you worry.

[Tiro]

"Fallng in love" for me is very much like being addicted to a drug.

My entire being becomes focused on this one thing and I absolutely must have it.

Falling in love starts primarily with physical attraction and then it follows a course of infatuation and obsession that can last for several months.

Infatuation very often carries euphoric qualities because being in love release dopamine into the brain and it feels good to the person experiencing it, so it is not difficult to understand why infatuation is confused with love.

If it feels so good then it must be love......right?

I think all romantic relationships start out with some level of "infatuation" but very soon the "honeymoon" will have to end and an inventory will have to be made of the relationship.

Some crucial questions will have to be asked.

Does this person have what I want for a long term committment ?
Is it possible that I could live with this person for the rest of my life?

When the "honeymoon" ends we begin to take more notice of all the character defects in our partners and one definition of love is the ability to be able to accept our partner with all their shortcomings long after the infatuation ends.

When the infatuation and obsession ends something far more lasting and wholesome will take it's place,Some people call it love.

So then? Is infatuation necessarily a bad thing if all we are looking for is a short term fling with someone we just want to hang out with and have a good time?

Why mess up a really good steamy infatuation by waving red flags around?

I know for me it may not necessarily be a good thing because my infatuation can become obsession and I can get stuck in this mode. Then, when ultimately the relationship has to end, I am devastated.

Perhaps there are people around who can handle short term relationships burning with passion and infatuation, accept that the person is not someone they want for a long term committment and move on.

Love addicted people like myself tend to hold on long after the relationship becomes unhealthy because of childhood issues of abandonment.

What may have started out as infatuation now becomes obsession and controlling because I now fear abandonment and rejection.The relationship will become one sided because I now act in codependent ways to keep this person in my life.

I don't know if anything I said made sense but at least being able to share some thoughts with people with similar issues is allowing me to develop a better understanding of myself.

[Rowan]

Thanks to all of you who shared. I'll be glad when my home PC is working, right now I can only access a computer periodically through the week. I miss this site!
So many good questions were asked. Do I have abandonment issues? Absolutely. Do I know why? Absolutely not. Obviously something rooted in my childhood which I do not remember (I remember little or none of my childhood). Infatuation vs love ...
ah, yes. A valid point was made here. Initially, I do believe that I was infatuated with my boyfriend, but once we got over a couple of hurdles with regards to communication we seem to have settled down in a different place. It's more comfortable and less worrisome. Love feels like love, and yet .. yet. I have known this man as my friend for 3 years before getting involved, but of course I did not know him on the level that I do today. I don't know if he is 'the one'. I hope that he is. And I think he can be, if I don't expect so darn much all the time. It's amazing how I can lower my expectations, and my serenity level rises. Not easy to do sometimes, but it's well worth the effort. I don't necessarily believe that just because something feels 'worrisome' doesn't mean it's infatuation and not love. For me as an individual, whether I feel love or lust, it's how I perceive the other person that determines how much I worry. They could tell me they love me, and I could truly believe I loved them, but then the smallest thing could happen and I'd be terrified. This doesn't mean it's only lust. I think it just means that I haven't learned to let go and to trust in a relationship. This could be and is for the most part a very healthy union that we have. The best I can do today is to stay in today and be the best person I can be, without compromising who I am.
I want to thank everyone for sharing.
Love Rowan

[nutz]

all i can do is work my own program.
i'm powerless over people , places, and things.
oh no...not her too, even the woman i love with all my heart.lol
live and let live....oh yeah, you mean i have to apply that at home too?
wtf ???...i gave up drugs and alcohol....i have to give up controlling peaple
too?

i'm a walikng,talking, living donut.
That big arss void i have inside of me....nothing of this world can possibly fill it. but i thought love conquar all ? where dose all that come from anyhow?
oh crap,i put her in front of the light again....my bad !!!

funnie how she can trun into a loving beautiful human being...
that if i don't set her up for a fall around every coner.
i think i'll get rid of some of those traps..it hurts her leg.
no wonder she thinks i'm jerk and bite back somtimes.

beats me how she's really like....can't be much differnent than me,
after all she's a human being just like me. I change as i grow.
god knows...i have faults.
my bad....put her on the pedistool again. a high fall too.
she bumps her head sometimes and say things she dosen't really mean.

i have to use the short form preyer....it's (f...k it !)
in the heat of the battle...the long form , i'll relize the next day.
I'll compermize my wanting to be right.
i 'll be a ragging lunitic that is right...all she sees is the lunitic.
i'll try to choose peace instead.
how else can i get in her pants...if she's pissed off at me...

however...i don't like her using sex as a lever sometimes.
i don't need to be control.
i've learnd how to tune her out.
yak..yak...yak....yak,yak,yak
I sometimes wish she would just communicate with me..
yes...i've turn into a wall sometimes...it's self defence.
I do love her i really, really do.

But i turn my will and life over to god, not her.
she keeps telling me to block light from entering her eyes..
that's okay....nobody is perfect.
i rather stand by her side and hold her hands so we can both see.
i get scare sometimes too...true love can be overwhalming sometimes.

[nutz]

oops.....this is what a really wanted to share..
The short form.
Some dude told mankind years ago becuase we're complicated souls..lol
He shorten the list even.
but we're still sick !!!

this the order he stated it in.
1. love god
2. love one another