Insecurities coming fast

[Want2Change]

hi,
i'm new to this board and need to say i'm glad i found it. i'll fill people in on more of me in the future but right now i have a issue that is rising up again and its like it never ended with my divorce...insecurities and codependancy and untrusting issues. i was in a marriage for a few years and we fell in love to quickly and the bottom line was i felt i could not trust her for any reason in the world and she gave me no reson not to trust her. i always felt less than and not good enough for her, jealous of her and her friends for i never had many friends. i'm a very drawn within person and maybe that has alot to do with why i am like i am.

my present cituation,
i recently have been dating this girl that goes to my work. we had sex the first night and one other time since then(its been a week we have been dating). i am very close to being in love and know it's not love but dont know what it is. it scares me cause i feel like its gonna end with my insecurities and codependancy again. she has mostly male friends and that seriously bothers me. i feel like i hafta play myself up and talk myself up and act like something i aint sometimes to let her see "i am worthy". i am trying so hard not to act like i have in the past but oh man what a fierce feeling of something i get in my gut and whole body. i want to learn how to trust and how to accept that my way isnt the only way or that the relationship if one happens isnt what i say it is, its mutual and i want to be able to accept that also and not just say it. i think about her constantly, play out scenes of the future i want in my head of us, play out scenes of breaking up or just all kinds of crazy things. remember i've been with her for less than a week and its not even like we are serious. we both know its going in a direction that we both want but my speedometer has a few more zeros after the number than hers. i just dont want my insecurities and codependancy issues and jealousies and untrustingness to make it end horribly like my marriage did. i dont know how to stop it though. the harder i try the more it pains me and makes me think of the things that make me crazy. any help will do. thanks

[journeygal]

Hi Want2change and welcome,

Well, I wish there was an easy way to solve your problem. I've battled insecurity and jealousy all of my adult life, and it's only been in the last year or so that I realized the problem existed deep within me and stemmed from lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. B/c of various reasons, I have often felt that I didn't deserve being with certain people or that no one would ever want to be with me or accept me for who I am. I felt that if anyone really knew me, they'd find me too dull and boring or that I wasn't attractive enough, all of the feelings that a lot of codependents struggle with.

The change started when I started dealing with my issues and accepting and loving myself for who I am. I can't even tell you it was any one thing I did to help turn it around, but it was a willingness to really examine myself, my life, and I had to accept and come to terms with a lot of things in my life they ultimately had a negative affect on my self-worth. Happiness has to come from within. No other person can give it to us, and if we can't be happy with ourselves, we can't be happy and secure in a relationship with another person.

The fact that you recognize your obsessive thoughts and fears about this person is a very good sign. There's a post at the top of this forum, called obsessive love, that you might want to check out. I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.

Take care,
JG

[boryad]

Hi Want2, I ride both sides of the fence on this one. I have always had jealousy issues and for the most part, I think I've kept them pretty well tempered, not too much backlash when they have reared their ugly heads. However, being the focus of a jealous man, it has totally destroyed me and our relationship. It gets exhausting defending myself and has left me as an empty shell of a person. It has driven me away and the lack of trust is damaging.

I'm glad you recognize this in yourself, as I have in myself and I work on it daily. For me, it's a matter of adopting the "oh well" attitude and work on myself and know that I can't control what my SO is doing, who he's with, who he's talking to. His actions will speak for themselves. As for the jealous man, he found his realizations too little too late to save our relationship. To this day, he still lurks, peeks, invades and all I do is get angry.

I hope you learn to love yourself for who you are, refrain from jealous outbursts and actions to avoid putting a wedge between you and the special lady in your life.

[Magichappens]

Want2,
Sex and love were always confusing for me. I felt that being liked and loved were reflected in my sexuality. This was instilled in me by my parents and peers. As an overweight child, I was an embarrassment to my father. I was not popular in school, partially because of my weight. When I got to be a teen, I lost weight. This was rewarded by my dad's approval, and the attention of boys at school. I think that gave me a twisted sense of self worth.

It didn't matter what was inside, as long as the outside was ok. I was obsessed with looks, and the attention of men. That need for love and approval, along with the twisted self worth, drove me to damage meaningful relationships, both with men and women. I gave myself away to gain approval from men. I created jealousy in the women around me because I was always competing.

It took many years of this self destructive behavior to finally realize what Journey spoke of. That inner need for love was real, but I had no healthy way to fill it. I attracted other sick people to me because I was sick.

Finding healthy ways to meet that need began with a 12 step program of recovery, therapy, and support from a recovery group. Luckily(?) I was associated with alcoholics in my life, so I joined Al-Anon. The positive, healthy input of recovering people, and the love they gave me had nothing to do with how I looked, or anything sexual. It was the beginning of loving myself for all of me.

I am glad that you joined us. There are many here who are learning to love themself and stop the self destructive path that we take over and over. You have taken a big step by reaching out. There is much information on recovery here. Feel free to post, reply, or just browse. You aren't alone. Hugs, Magic

[lonlion]

Hi Want2; I can completely sympathize with your situation, and also have been on both sides of the fence. I was in a 20 year marriage and in the end my husband was following me when I went out with my female friends for dinner and innocent outings.
He would shout at me when I arrived home and called me every name under the sun, you know those nasty names women hate to be called.
He became so obsessed and convinced in his mind that I was out with men, that he decided to cheat on me. I was monogomous and faithful the full 22 years we were together. No amount of swearing on the bible, swearing on my dear grandmothers grave or anything could convince him otherwise. He became very emotionally ill.
Needless to say once I found out about his cheating after everything he had put me through, I terminated our long time marriage with 4 children.
Now I have trust issues, and realize they go back to my childhood. My therapist told me when we are raised in a household with an alcoholic or addict, we are not capable of learning trust. We can't trust that our parent will be there for us. In my case my dad would be physically and emotionally abusive, then when drunk want and expect us to run into his arms and be his loving children, all the while we were afraid the "other" dad would surface at any time. We constantly received mixed signals, he loves us, then he turns on us. No wonder so many of us have trust issues. We couldn't trust the love we received as children.
Hard to work through, but I am working on my own self esteem now and trying to tell myself I am a good person, I am worthy of love, and I can't force situations in life. If a relationship is for me, then it will be, if not, I will survive and keep my self esteem in tact.
All the best to you, and just remember, work through this to the best of your abilities, try to calm your thoughts and relax. Every day that we are clean and happy are days to celebrate.