Need some suggestions

[VanillaSugar21]

Ok, I didn't know where to go for this but I know I need some suggestions and help. I was watching Dr. Phil the subject was "daughters and their relationships with their fathers" the one relationship hit me very hard because it was so much like mine. My dad never wanted anything to do with me. I have only one picture of he and I and it's from when I was one. He's holding me and I'm screaming my head off. My mom tells me when I was little I was scared of him because he was in jail most of the first 2yrs of my life... when he and my mom were still together. I can remember back to when I was 5 and he was in jail and my mom took the call so my brother and I could talk to him and he didn't wanna talk to me and everytime he'd come to get us for visitation he'd try to only take my brother but my mom would say both or none... he'd take me and leave me with someone. All of my life I've known my dad doesn't and never did want me... not because I'm a girl cause I have a little sister through him and he has a strong bond with her. Most my life I thought "what is wrong with me, why doesn't he want me, why did he always leave me behind" Now that I am older and trying to have relationships I have a hard time because I have adbandoment issues and more... my therapist told me I have to find my own way to let go and leave the past in the past but I don't know how. Dr. Phil told the lady the same thing... I'm not gonna have peace or let go until I figure out my way to let go. Does anybody have any suggestions on what I should try? I've already wrote him and sent him a letter telling him how I feel and he wrote me back saying he's sorry I feel that way. It made things worse. I know everyone has their own way of letting the past in the past but I can't find my way so I need help on finding it. I need to let the past in the past or I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship. This is very important to me... so if any of you have suggestions... I will be totally willing to try them. I learned to let my resentment to my mom go and to my brother but not my dad. Please help me!

[journeygal]

(((((Vanilla)))))

I can relate to the pain and rejection you feel concerning your father.

After my parents were married, my mom eventually realized that my dad was an alcoholic with serious anger issues. She soon decided she didn't want to stay married to him, and started making plans to leave. But the day before she was all set to tell him she was leaving, he got his draft notice for Vietnam. And soon after that, she found out she was pregnant with me.

My mom went through a lot of emotional turmoil during her pregnancy with me and has been emotionally distant from me my whole life. Part of me thinks she blames me for keeping her in a marriage she didn't want to stay in. I also happen to be a lot like my dad, and in her eyes we are too sensitive, shy, etc. But whatever the reason, she was never the nurturing, loving mother I needed and wanted her to be. I've suffered rejection issues in my relationships b/c of this.

It took therapy and my codependent recovery to realize and accept that my mom's problems were her issues. I did nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with me. My mom chose to blame me for her problems, but I was just a child - I couldn't have caused any of her problems.

It's the same case with your dad. Perhaps your birth came at a time where he wasn't ready to deal with it. Since he was in jail, that was probably the case. But instead of taking responsibility for his own feelings and problems, he took them out on you. It was not your fault! You did nothing wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and you did not deserve to be blamed for his problems in life. You were just a child, a baby.

Try not to take ownership of his stuff. He missed out on so much by choosing not to be a part of your life. You are a wonderful person, and he's just a man with problems. Keep telling yourself that. It's the truth.

I finally let go of my mom's stuff. She hasn't changed but I stop letting her negativity affect my life and my happiness. You can too. Don't give up, b/c your happiness is worth fighting for.

Lots of hugs,
JG

[VanillaSugar21]

I too had the problems with my mother and her not being nurturing but I learned that, that's just not her. My grandma and I love kids and babies and stuff. My mom doesn't. She just doesn't. When I was younger it upset me because I knew someday I wanted to have kids and I didn't/don't want her to push me away and reject my children like she has my brother's 2 sons. His oldest died a lil after he turned 2yr and my mom had never seen him but during the time he was alive I knew she wanted to see him. She always asked to see my new pictures of him and when he died she cried with me and held me. Anyways... when it comes to my dad my mom has told me that my dad went into jail a month before I was born and he got out when I was 3 months old. She said even though I was just a baby I knew he was a bad man and I didn't like him and would cry anytime he touched me so she became very protective of me and didn't want him near me much. lol She also showed me a picture I had never seen and it was me... I dunno how old I was but I was standing up in my crib crying and my dad was walking toward me and right under my crib was my brother and I's dog and she was showing her teeth. My mom said she didn't want him near me so she'd follow me around trying to "protect" me. The only adult male she left near me was my pap. My mom keeps telling me no matter what my dad didn't have a chance to get to know me till I was about 5 and by then he was too much of a stranger to me. It all makes sense because my grandma and my mom are extremely over protective especial my grandma. I'm her baby and she still doesn't get the fact that I'm 21yr and trying to start a life of my own. I dunno if my mom was just telling me most of that stuff to stop my pain or if it really was true but everytime I get upset and ask my grandma about it she says that I could sense he was a bad person and that I've been like that sinse birth and not just towards him. I guess my step dad was a good person then because he came into my life at 2 and I liked him... I just didn't wanna share my mommy but then he became my dad even though he and my mom weren't married till I was 6 or 7 and by then I thought he was my biological dad and my real dad was just some guy who took my brother and i once in a blue moon. It broke my heart when I found out my step dad wasn't my dad and that his daughters weren't my real sisters. I grew up thinking that they were cause we were all 1 year apart. I dunno. All of this is stuff I tried to forget about most of my life but now I know that I need to leave it all where it belongs... in the past. I'll find my way to do it because I don't wanna be like my mom and get married and divorced 2 times. My mom had the same issues with her dad but her dad died before she could get closure. I just know I need to do this for my future. Thank you JG!

Jess

[Ann]

We cannot change the past, and we are not responsible for the behaviour of our parents when we were growing up, but the future is all ours to make as beautiful as we choose.

As JG said, working through the issues of the past, through a recovery group and/or counselling can help us each come to terms with the hand that life dealt us and using that knowledge can help us from repeating mistakes we made in the past.

Very few of us walked out of a fairytale to get here, but we can have a "happy ever after" when we learn that only we hold the key to our happiness, and not another person. Life is a gift and we are each uniquely blessed in some way, so use your gift and learn to make your world a little more beautiful.

Hugs
Ann

[VanillaSugar21]

Ann,
I agree and I do go to counseling but he has already told me I know what I'm doing... meaning I can see when my abandonment issue has caused a problem and I'm learning and trying hard not to let it but I HAVE to get... closure of some sort. Years ago I tried writing my dad a letter and he paid no mind to it... my therapist suggested me writing another letter. I have grown up a great deal in just a yr and they think I'm ready to try... keyword be try... and not be on a mood stabilizer. Just an anti- depressant and something I can take when my anxiety is high but not take all the time. I think I can do it and I'm hoping that just by writing a letter to my dad will give me closure but I don't think it will. I think I have to go to the jail and ask him face to face the questions I want answers too. I might not get them but then I tried. Being face to face will let me see the reaction on his face and his eyes. I have asked a friend to go with me for emotional support. I'ma try both a letter and sitting down and talking to him. I'm praying something will give me closure. This guy and I have been going out on dates and spending a lot of time together but I won't get into another relationship until I feel that I have a good control on my issues and he knows and sits there and listens to me gibber all the time. lol

[Ann]

I think it is great that you are working your way through these feelings. I try to do that too and I know it can be painful. But when we do it with a little recovery under our belt, and know enough not to stay too long in a bad place, then we CAN and do get past it and the obstacle no longer blocks our path.

I hope that you too can work your way past all of this and begin a new future filled with sunshine.

Hugs
Ann

[Magichappens]

((Vanilla))
One thing that I realized while working through my childhood issues was that even today, I need a father figure in my life. I was lucky enough to be able to "adopt" one in Al-Anon. This helped me forgive my father for not being capable of giving me what I needed. I enabled me to let go of the pain and emptiness that that caused. There may be someone in your life that needs a daughter. There are many men who can give you the love you need as a daughter. If you don't have any one in your life that is fatherly, maybe there is a nursing home or retirement community nearby that you can give some help to. If I'm willing, God puts the right people in my life.

I couldn't let go of the past until I filled the emptiness I felt in the present. I may never outgrow the need for parents, I just had to find people who were capable of being that. Hugs, Magic

[VanillaSugar21]

Magic,
I have more then one father figure in my life. I have my brother who has been my parents most of my life. He and I are only 16 months apart and I've been his baby jekka since I was born. Though my brother is an addict he made sure I didn't follow in his footsteps. Made sure I went to school, did my homework... all the stuff my mom didn't do at one point. Right now the relationship with my brother is well not really there. His girlfriend/my ex friend, has caused a lot of problems between my brother and I. No matter what before my brother was always there. Even when he was in jail but not anymore. The last letter I got from my brother he was calling me anything he could think of and telling me she was right he shouldn't have anything to do with me. I'm not really worried about them because I know my brother will come back. He has tried to write me once since that letter but I won't write him back and I won't take his calls. Right now I'm not dealing with the drama that his girlfriend causes. When he gets out everything will be different. I know it will be cause he'll get out and remember what led him to jail this past time. He knows a lot of it has to do with her but he "has to" kiss her azz or he'll "never" see his son. He's dumb enough to fall for that shyt but he knows he has rights and can go to court. He did for his first son... though he died before my brother got out last time... but a judge isn't gonna say no he can't see him. If a judge would that'd be like Dur. My poor nephew has shytty parents and I pitty him and pray everyday that somebody will save him. I maybe wrong for say that I think he should have been put up for adoption but the way I look at it is... he was born to 2 addict who both have never been able to stay clean, his mother is using him as an object to hurt ppl. My family has never seen him and he'll be 1yr. in Dec. but some of my friends have ran into my ex friend and they think she's using again. That poor baby is gonna grow up with so many emotional problems it's not funny. My brother won't be out of jail for 1-2 yrs. I try not to think about all that because it makes me cry. I miss my brother so much. He and I's bond has always been strong and we've always made it through bad stuff but I haven't had my real brother (not the addict) in my life since June 9th, 2004. I know the difference between my brother and the addict. I don't hate my brother for abusing me when I was younger cause I know it was the addict not him. The addict wrote that letter not my brother. My mom and therapist keep reminding me of that. Ok waaaaay off the subject... there are a lot of other males in my life but I don't look at any of them as a father. My mom's boyfriend lives with us and for the most part I like him and know he'd never let anything or anybody harm my mom and I but he and I fight like siblings. Yeah a 55yr old and a 21yr old fighting like siblings. My mom is always yelling at us. I don't have respect for him as a father figure or anything close to it. I have my uncle who also lives with us and I'm more like a mother figure to him. He needs my grandma, mom and I. He only has certain parts of his brain because he's had two brain tumors... my mom's bf is a father figure to him. He's also his best friend. I have a step grandfather... who I hate and yes I mean hate. I know it's a strong word but I hold a lot of things to him because he has put my grandma's life at risk, left his kids and grandkids treat my grandma like shyt and he's always judging me. Always saying stuff to make me cry. I can't stand to be around him for more then a few minutes and I miss my grandma. In the last few months she hasn't had time for me because he works second shift now so she has to do what he wants her to do and when she does leave and come in to see me or take me to the Dr.s she has to be back at a certain time. So no other then my brother there is no other father figure.