Broken Dreams

[Ann]

As most of you know, my son has been missing for over 2 months now, and on another thread here I shared some of the feelings that I was having.

I have recently discovered some of what, I think, is at the base of my sadness and hope you don't mind if I share a little more.

My family has always been broken. My father died when I was six, a wonderful man who died of cancer at 43. Although my mother was one of the finest people God ever put on this earth and our house was filled with love, I remember often feeling as a child that our family was not complete, that it had been broken in some way because my father died.

My husband and I did not have any of our own children, and I remember how I often felt that we were not a complete family, even though we have had a wonderful relationship for 35 years now. My foster son, made me feel like we were finally a family and blessed. But God had other plans, and my son grew up to become an addict and you know from my stories here how that has affected me.

While he was clean, until recently, I got to know him again as the son I thought we had lost. He has a little girl who is now 2 1/2 that at first I avoided meeting, afraid that if my son should relapse that I would have made an attachment that would again be broken. Last Christmas I finally went to visit and to meet this precious child, who immediately claimed my heart. For a while, life was perfect, my son was fine and his new family was wonderful. I loved being called "Nanny" and getting the phone calls from her where she would tell me "Nanny COME!!!" or show me how she could now count to "eleben".

Now that my son is missing and I have no way of finding his girlfriend or child, I feel broken...again.

My life is good, my recovery has seen me through darker days than this, but it is only the past few days that I have discovered this inner fear/emotion that somehow my family will always be broken.

Maybe I watched The Waltons too much. Maybe all families have their "broken" days. I am so very blessed in my life to have other wonderful family and friends, and I am grateful for each one of them. Maybe my dreams were never very realistic. And maybe I still have a lot of work to do to work through this.

Love and Hugs to my family here
Ann

[Gabe]

(((Ann)))
I just lit a candle for your son and the precious grandchild.
I lit it for you too.
I'm sorry that you're feeling broken about this.
Broken sucks.
Lots of love and light coming your way.
And hope for healing in your family.
Love you Ann.
Big hugs,
Gabe

[Dan]

Dear Ann,
Broken dreams...
I have felt broken all my life in a sense. No father, only child, early addiction.
And it's only relatively recently that I've come to believe that I could mend myself. It started when my kids were born really. But how painstakingly slow it's been.
Finally in recovery, I'm barely scratching the surface of what's still broken.
But the gift of hope... Finally.
What's a realistic dream? Is it that those who are precious to us experience happiness and contentment, and that we may be allowed to share and revel in the experience with them?
Is it that we, ourselves, will always be enough of a resource for them, that they will always know that we are there for them during their moments of darkness?
I remember growing up, knowing full well that it was a million to one shot that my life would be like the Waltons, to cite your example. Perhaps my very poor choices saw to that. But I'm one of the lucky ones. And so are you Ann. Because we have today, to express ourselves and examine what is broken. And we have tomorrow, to repair what we can, while we continue hoping and praying, for what we can't readily fix.

[journeygal]

(((((((Ann)))))))

I pray for your son and your granddaughter and that your paths will cross again very soon.

Love and hugs,
JG

[In memory of miracle]

((((((( Ann )))))) :heart: Prayers ,keep the faith ...Trish

[Ann]

Thanks Gabe, I love you too. I am thinking that perhaps that's where a lot of my codependency comes from, denial of "broken" when it is. Or trying to fix that which cannot be fixed. It's part of recovery for these realizations to surface, but it can still take me by surprise.

I'm saying prayers for all of them, and just continue to try to work through this the best I can.

Hugs
Ann

[Ann]

Wow, you guys are fast. Dan, those are comforting thoughts, and maybe it is just me that is broken right now. It's funny, because although I can be a dreamer, I am also very much a realist. I know that people we love will come and go all through our lives. I guess that this was just a dream that I really wanted to hang on to. And I DO still hope, and believe that somehow one day my dream will come true.

JG, Miraclen...thank you for your prayers. I believe in the power of prayer, and feel comforted to know that God does listen.

I love you all.
Ann

[KelKel]

Ann
I am touched by your thread and I just want to try and convey to you that
what you are interpreting as broken is just life on life's terms.
There is no perfect family.
Unfortunately our culture inspires us to think and feel otherwise.
I am so sorry that you are hurting and I will include you and yours in my prayers.

[Ann]

what you are interpreting as broken is just life on life's terms.
There is no perfect family.
Unfortunately our culture inspires us to think and feel otherwise.

You know, Kelkel, I never looked at it like that, but those words really touched me. I try to accept life on life's terms, and until now I thought I did, but you're right, and I DO have a lot of work to do.

I really do think that we are each here for a purpose, and that God puts us in each other's life for a reason, and I know that even on the worst day my son was a gift and getting to know his little girl was a huge gift. And I know that life is ever changing...but dam I just wish the world would stand still for a while when I'm in a good place. I just wasn't done there yet.

Hugs
Ann

[KelKel]

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi Ann.

When I was little and my cousin was littler, he told me that our tv was broken. We were watching it at the time and I finally realized he thought it was broken because he'd never seen a black and white tv. It was hard to explain to him that it wasn't broken, it just wasn't like his.

I know what you mean, though. It's like you got cheated. And now hear this. If you weren't done there, then it's not done. The world turns completely around every single day. Things on it can turn, too.

Hugs!
Smoke

[best]

All have fallen short... not one among them could be found to be perfect.

Like a clay pot that has the cracks filled with wax, some may look like there is no problems. Add hot water and the wax melts away. With that the crack is seen.
Some tried to hide their cracks, others share because of their cracks.
Those that share touch many lives.
Thank you for being one who shares.

Prayers for you and your family.

[kwelling5737]

(((Ann)))

Sending prayers for you and yours

Hugz~
Kim

[abtchonamission]

Ann -

I really feel for you, and understand what you mean. My mother died of cancer when I was 11 (she was 42), didn't even meet my dad until I was 15. My grandmother raised me, because my mom was so sick from the time I was 5 on. So alot of what you said sounds familiar.

I hate that you have no way of contacting your granddaughter through all of this. Maybe she'll start asking for you, and her mother will get in touch with you??? I hope that things work out for you and your granddaughter - it sounds like she loves "Nanny" as much as you love her.

[goatfarmergal]

The title of your thread reminded me of the "Broken Dreams" poem that has always helped me so much:

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could You be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

[Ann]

It was hard to explain to him that it wasn't broken, it just wasn't like his.

Smoke, you are so right. My life may not be that of the Waltons, but it is special in it's uniqueness. I know that I often feel grateful for my unusual journey, including codependency, because without that I wouldn't be who and where I am today, and today I like who I am and where I stand.

And Best, thank you for being glad I am a cracked pot, LOL, no really I know what you mean. And I do feel better sharing than hiding behind my wax.

Thank you everyone, for your love and support. I think what is happening here and on my last post is that this time (my son again active) that I am feeling "different" emotions, new ones that I haven't dealt with before. Fear, anxiety and panic are no longer the emotions that surface probably because I work on that every day. These new ones are a bit of a surprise and probably a gift in some way. I know that it is a gift that I can share all this with you.

Hugs and Love
Ann

[closer2Him]

Ann,
Grief for what isn't anymore. I wasn't as mad that my sister was using as I was hurt that I wouldn't be able to be close to that person I had come to know and allow to be close to me. I miss that. We do all want the white picket fence in our life. It's natural. And then when we get close to it and it turns out to be temparary instead, it is like losing a dream again. We had our hands on it for a fleeting moment. Why can't the almost normal stuff last longer? I loved what everyone said about perfect families and life on life's terms. All true but it does hurt when dream seem to come true only to have us wake up one morning and they are gone like sleep we woke up from. Hugs and prayers and have a good vacation. c2H

[Magichappens]

(((Ann)))
My family has expanded in recovery and I have found a lot of love, but that doesn't mean I don't pine for the lost sheep. Hugs, Magic

[MotherofD]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Ann.

Nikki

[alli61098]

Ann,
I come from a "broken" family, Mom & Dad divorced when I was 4, I am the only child from that marriage. Mom spent 20+ years with a wonderful, albeit alcoholic, man. I consider him to be my dad. Mom left that marriage on very bad terms and the only family I ever knew went with it. My step dad and I were able to reconcile after a few years, but only a few months before he died of brain cancer. My stepsiblings and I have no relationship any longer.

My problem has always been as Best said so well, using the wax. I have hidden behind my wax all my life.

Until very recently I always believed that my life was broken, that there was something very wrong with it and me. Like Kelkel said, there is no perfect family. You were given this family for a reason. Ann, as you have told me yourself so many times there is a plan for you, you just don't know what it is yet.

I believe that we are all broken in some way, and it is those breaks that make us who we are.

I pray that your son and his family are well and that you will hear from them soon.
Hugs,
Alli

[Paulie]

((Ann))

Broken, life on lifes terms. This helps us all so much.

God Bless Ann, and I am still praying too.
Hugs to you my friend.

Every time I go through this I start humming.

Janis Joplin's song, Me & Bobby McGee, always comes to my mind.

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose"

My HP very often seperates me from things to set me free from something. That doesn't mean I don't get them back again. It just means I'm not holding on to the something anymore when I do get them back.

There was a big part of my heart that clung to things to replace what I missed and fill my heart. That's what my dreams were made of.

Some of these lessons are very hard.

I'm praying for your son Ann. I hoping that this is something he needs to do on his own. There is a lesson for him in this too. In fact it might just be his lesson.

Hugs,
MG

[Ann]

Thanks MG, and I LOVE "Me and Bobby McGee", particularly that line..."freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose"

If this is meant to be a lesson for me, it IS teaching me a lot of new things about myself. The emotions this time are new ones, and I am doing a lot of soul searching to find my answers.

It's amazing the layers of emotions that we have built up over the years and how working back through them can be painful but also very freeing, and today I am just taking time to heal before I peel any more layers away.

Thank you for your prayers. I pray that this is his lesson too, and that he learns from it and becomes stronger.

Hugs
Ann

[survivor]

No matter what has happened, I know you saw meeting your granddaughter as a blessing. Too often we fear getting close to the addicts in our lives for fear of getting hurt all over again. You let that fear go and took the risk and have those wonderful moments to hang onto. We learn to cherish what we do have and try to let go of what we think we should have. No matter the outcome, I know that you are missing your son and granddaughter. For that I am sorry. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Sigh]

Ann,

I have had more than my share of troubles in ife, but I don't feel as if I am broken. For me the hardest cut was my son's addiction. I honestly thought if I loved him enough, if he grew up within a happy home, happiness would be his. I have often said all I want from life is for my children to be happy. I thought that I could control fate, which was fairly arrogant of me.

Michaels addiction has made me feel helpless.

I don't preceive you, your son or your family as 'broken', struggling yes, but there is too much love there for it to be broken. If there is that much love, something is right. Perhaps your son was put into your hands, into your life and into your heart, because his path in life was going to be difficult and he needed to have within him the love from you.

I think your son will return Ann, I think your granddaughter will again be part of your life, it's just not time yet. Your son has tasted recovery, he knows he's loved, this will make him stronger.


sigh