Looking for al-anon dads to chat with

[Bellesarius]

My story...

Get married, have kids, develop dysfunctional co-dependent marriage, wife starts drinking and crashes, gets into AA, I refuse al-anon(classic denial, drinker was problem) 2 years of sobriety, crash and relapse, more AA, I get into Al-anon and begin making progress.. wife decides to run away, leaves kids and files for divorce. "I don't love you anymore"

Sound familiar anyone? I would like to find some men who have dealt with this and survived. I'm making good progress in the program, have a fabulous sponsor, and I am deeply committed to my recovery and raising my kids (5 boys, 5 - 12 yrs old). My soon to be ex-wife is very confused and unhappy. I am trying to let go, and have mostly. .but I still love her and wish she would come back and work on building a new marriage.

[best]

Flip the coin and you have me... the husband who was confused and unhappy.
Till I was ready to change, nothing was going to change.
My becoming a Christian and finding the steps as well as working the steps as found in the bible... that is where I found change.
Being a guy I can relate to the feelings you may be having.
My fault, where did I go wrong, how do I fix this?
Being the one who was in need of being fixed... I do know this first hand.
Only I could make the choice for myself to find the answers that would fix self.
A look in the mirror may show you areas that may need growth but even if such growth was there in the past, the alcohol still had the control on things.
There is always room for growth in all of us. Have you talked about marriage counseling?
Sober and starting to grow in the new sober life along with a good counselor could be a rebirth of your marriage.

[Bellesarius]

Originally Posted by best

Flip the coin and you have me... the husband who was confused and unhappy.
Till I was ready to change, nothing was going to change.
My becoming a Christian and finding the steps as well as working the steps as found in the bible... that is where I found change.
Being a guy I can relate to the feelings you may be having.
My fault, where did I go wrong, how do I fix this?
Being the one who was in need of being fixed... I do know this first hand.
Only I could make the choice for myself to find the answers that would fix self.
A look in the mirror may show you areas that may need growth but even if such growth was there in the past, the alcohol still had the control on things.
There is always room for growth in all of us. Have you talked about marriage counseling?
Sober and starting to grow in the new sober life along with a good counselor could be a rebirth of your marriage.

If only she would.. I'm interested in growth, change and building an entirely new marriage, but she isn't. She got sober, and wanted to bail.

After she returned from treatment, she reluctantly went to marriage counseling with me for 7 weeks, but once the topic shifted from me making amends and began to focus on her 50% of the relationship she quit and demanded a seperation. We discussed it in the context of the marriage counseling and I reluctantly agreed. She said she needed four months to deal with her stuff and get some space to heal, then she would come back and reengage. We agreed to a code of behavior that as it turns out.. (she confessed later after she asked for a divorce 2 months into the seperation).. she began violating it almost immediately. She began running around on me and ended up in a 6 week live-in relationship with someone she met in one of her meetings. I agreed to the divorce because I demand commitment and fidelity and swore I would divorce her if she violated either principle. She has, she's gone, but I am still open to reconciliation, but she isn't interested in it at this point, although she can't seem to stop communicating with me. Very mixed up and sad person making very bad choices. I'm not going to rescue her, she has to face reality and I can't let her manipulate me into enabling her. She's the love of my life and she's trampled on my heart. I must move on, let go and heal.

[best]

Originally Posted by Bellesarius

I'm not going to rescue her, she has to face reality and I can't let her manipulate me into enabling her. She's the love of my life and she's trampled on my heart. I must move on, let go and heal.

You can't rescue her and yes she is the one who needs face the reality.

Your boundaries are in order. Your plan of action looks good.

My wife did the same. Thing is though she has a forgiving heart like you seem to have. When I grew up and started acting right, we got back together. We were separated for 15 months. I filed for the divorce. 90 day waiting period before it became final. We stopped it with 10 days left and celibrated our 25th together the very next month.
There is always hope and I see you have a good plan of action even if the hope doesn't become reality.
Believe me I feel for you. I know the pain I caused others and with that I pray that you can come to know the peace in a storm that comes from God.

[Magichappens]

Hi Bellesarius,
Welcome to SR. I am an Al-Anon too. Please come and join us on the Families and Friends forum. We have some Al-Anon dads there. The forum used to be called Al-Anon, but the world services asked them to change it because of copywrite laws. There is a lot of recovery and growth. Hope to see you there. Hugs, Magic

[Aladinsane]

Hi there both best and Bellesarius,
Your stories are very familiar to me. I am a recovering alkie and druggie who has been cleannearly three years. I am married with five children. Four girls and a boy.
Throughout my eighteen year marriage we had separated for various lenghths of times, always hoping to get our act together. We tried marriage counseling but my wife always argued that it was me who had the problems.
She in fact was right , at least right in the fact that I was did have a lot of issues to deal with. Two and a half years ago I was aked to leave with a police escort as the usual arguements we were having become physical, on my part. I had hit my bottom.
Naturally, we separated, and i became sober. I lived with my parents and recieved numerous types of therapy, and attended AA and NA.
After i felt i had a good base of sobriety i returned to my family, that being my wife and children.
That has been nine months ago. Though I felt uncomfortable in restablishing my role as a husband and father, I thought it was pretty good.
Now we seem to be at a plateau. My wife drinks heavily thoough I'm not sure alcoholically, she smokes enough pot to make Bob Marley seem like oh i don't know what.
I work my program as best I can and from what I've been told I am a great example to many others in my home group.
Yet my wife and I have not really spoken in two weeks because she is dissatisfied and it seems to detest me.
She is not interested in alanon or AA. marriage counseling to her is not an option as again I am the one with the problem , not her.
I think about leaving but am so afraid that I may lose the small grain of trust I have gained with my children. I don't want to lose what I have gained, thus far. I do continue to go to AA meetings and i socialize with others in the program. When i go to meetings my wife figures it is the best time to go on a drinking binge . I come home to her passed out or drunk as a proverbial sunk.
Thanks for allowing me to share, and hope in some way that you may know you are not alone in this. Thanks

[WoodsBear2005]

It's amazing the results you receive when you work it because you're worth it. 20 year marriage in my case, I finally gave up on the eve of our anniversary after my qualifier had yet another accident with the kids in the car while under the influence.

Roll forward to 2 weeks after I file for divorce. I'm taking a bunch of teens, including my oldest son on a 2000 mile road trip to the Washington Alateen conference and back. I bring another Alateen sponsor along, though she left her son home because he had alateen commitments in NorCal. I am starting to develop the most amazing relationship I've ever had with another human being at any point in my life. Starting from a strong spiritual foundation, with a strong program beneath each of us, we're able to communicate at a level that I never believed was possible, and achieve such deep, deep emotional intimacy. We had just a fabulous time on the road for six days with those kids, and after we got back my son told me he's okay with her.

Now, am I, the "normie", healthy enough for this relationship? Has enough time passed? I don't know, but I do know that I have tools to help me with it. I'm using the serenity prayer all the time. I have a woman that I'm using as a relationship sponsor that has passed down a similar road, and I'm talking to my sponsor and working the traditions with him (steps about loving ourselves, traditions about loving others), and talking to a lot of other program people to get their experience, strength, and hope.

What is going on in my life right now is a miracle of God, my God telling me that divorce is necessary at times, and that if I trust God, God will exceed my wildest dreams.

Joe