Peaceful

[smoke gets in my eyes]

I never know what forum to go to any more. LOL

Some of you know that I'm moving my business. It's not a small thing and I don't have a lot of money lying around so I'm hauling an toting most of it myself. When I'm stronger I will specualate about how many thousands of pounds I've carried around in the past few weeks. Anyhow, I was getting ready to pull out with a load in the pickup when a storm came up. I pulled the truck into the bay so the stuff wouldn't get wet, and since I was pretty bushed I used the rain as an excuse to pause for awhile. I had backed in, so I left the bay door open and crawled up on the hood of the truck and just lounged against the windsheild and watched the rain. I hadn't done that in a long time. There were poodles and bears in the clouds. Then the bear rode a sled. Then I got this massive pain in my chest. "Well that's just it." I thought. "I have overdone myself and it's time to go." And I just laid there watching the clouds and thinking how beautiful it was going to be to be part of it all. I thought fleetingly of the people I love and my business affairs and decided I had as much in order as anybody probably ever does, and they would all be fine without me. And I wondered who gets to paint the cloud animals and if I could get in on that job. And my chest grew tighter and I watched the sky.

Then I belched and realized it was not going to be that easy.

Even a very few months ago, those little scares we get from time to time that this might just be it sent me into a swivet of protest. What raced through my head right after the semi didn't hit me was what I hadn't done, said, who I hadn't seen, written, what mess was left in my wake. "Don't let me go out like this!" But the more I have concentrated on recovery, the more I have organized my life. I have taken time to contact those old true friends. Heck... I saw my brother today! I can't remember the last time Dino and I parted with a harsh word, but it's been awhile. I haven't filed last quarter's sales tax return but I can let that go. LOL I feel peaceful. It's a different and better peace than I've ever felt before. I want to thank all my friends in recovery for their wisdom, guidance, friendship, nudges and kudos ... as well as for letting me exercise my codie muscles by being allowed to offer a hand up when it wasn't me that took the nose dive.

And I also want to take this opportunity to thank Jon, Journey and Gabe for this forum. I know it's not the buzzingest place all the time, but it is so very important. We are not who we were before the drugs, the crazies and the comeback. It isn't possible to go back, and in hindsight, I have to say I never knew how to play the relationship game well anyway. I love having a place to talk about how to get past the past, and how to start again. And where no one thinks I'm a goose for being happy about my first NOTE, second NOTE and OH... I forgot to tell you about the CARD! Teenagers get swept away by such things, not middle aged women. But I think maybe in terms of learning how to make a happy relationship, I'm that immature, and I have that much to learn. Thanks for helping.

Hugs,
Smoke

[Gabe]

Oh my God! You got a CARD!!!!
Spill now.
You know how easily swept away I am as well.
Smoke there are no words to tell you how much you mean to me and how happy I am that you are a part of my SR family.
Big hugs,
Gabe

[JT]

Nice Smoke...this forums is a nice "tween place to sit a spell.

Now about that card....SPILL!

[journeygal]

((((((((Smoke))))))))

I am very glad that it was just a touch of indigestion.

I don't do well at funerals. I never have, even for people I barely know. I mentioned this to my last therapist once and she said death saddens me b/c I haven't lived my own life the way I want/need to.

I don't think some people recognize what an awesome gift recovery is. It's not just about dealing with our addicted loved ones. It's not just about coming to terms with past, present, and future demons. It's about getting one's life in order, learning how to organize all relationships, and finding a healthy balance in all areas.

I'm so grateful for this forum too b/c I also suck at the relationship game, LOL.

As for being swept away by cards and notes, good for you! We should all be so lucky! Besides, once we lose the ability to be swept away or to be amazed :wink2:, what do we have to look forward to?

[smoke gets in my eyes]

It was just a "just for nothin' " card... which is probably the coolest kind. It has an unfortunate looking cat on it that looks a lot like mine did right after they shaved her at the groomers. All head and feet... tormented eyes. And a wisecrack he wrote about her haircut. LOL In eight years I have had two other cards from him. Seems very special.

[Gabe]

It was a just for nothin' card?
Let me get this straight, two notes and now a just for nothin' card?
Not to mention that "permanent" comment he made a while back.
Wow, just wow.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Okay, do you want to be totally nauseous? Get the insulin.

This morning we were dividing out our funds and chores for the day and it took awhile to see how it was all going to go around. We got it all sorted out and he took up his portion and his burdens and left for work, saying "someday... " (meaning of course, that someday it would be easier). I said " Today!" He said "Today. Today." He has the cutest smile.


Everybody go "AWWWWWWWW!"

[journeygal]

Awwwwww! Smoke, you are so cute. I am such a sucker for the mushy stuff!

[Gabe]

Awwwwww!
Awwwwww!
I'm with JG, I love the schmoopy stuff.

[Paulie]

Oh Smoke, AAAAWWWWW does not even describe it. That is so wonderful.

And about relationships, I am getting married in less than a month and don't have a clue. My SO and I have been having spats like never before, more spats in the last couple weeks then in the last year, I know everyone says it is normal. Yesterday he called me and told me that he adored me. No one, not even him has ever said that to me before. Spats? what spats? LOL

Smoke I learn so much from you. And your ability to say so much in the words that you use. Thank you for sharing your growth with us. the way you face things with Dino head on and talk about your fears and what is going on, amazes me.

Love to you and to Dino!!!!!

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hey Paulie... I adore you, too.

Good ol' Paul. It's nice he took a breather from the stress of getting married to remember WHY he's getting married. LOL You get an AWWWWWWWWWWW, too!!!

[Paulie]

(((Smoke)))

by the way, I dont' think I have ever gotten a card LOL

[Dan]

Smoke...
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww