Why Do I stay in this situation???

[marblack]

Hi Everyone... I ask myself the same question"why Do I Stay"....I have been to one Alanon and it helped. I haven't called my sponsor this week. Everytime I want to say something in the meeting I just cry. I have never been able to cry before. Its really a tough time in my life. A part of me wants to leave.....funny I check the classifieds everyday for an apartment. I never follow thru with the idea. I love my A b/f. I think there is to much damage their to have a relationship. I have tried to talk to him about our relationship. He told me his sick of my psychology discussions and replies "Can we have one good night?" I feel so lonely and isolated in this relationship. Last night he told me I was a Waco. HE thought I was mentally ill and needed a therapist instead of Alanon. I never thought my heart could be so harded where he is concerned. I used to go to the mall and sit and just see how families reacted to each other. Isn't that sick. Today we went to the lake for the fourth us and our son. We sat on a blanket and hardly spoke to each other. Close by was a family interacting...with their kids. I thought that could be me Happy. I think our child is effected by his drinking. He is two and hasn't even said Dad yet. I am the one that has a career, maintains the housework. I do everything he sits and watchs tv. I think everyday I am with him I am missing out on happiness. Yet I am still here. I cann't explain it.......I have been so beat down by him verbal mental and physical abuse and I stay. In my mind I can see myself packing and leaving. I tell myself I cann't continue to live this way. I feel really dark and ugly inside. He had been sober for a month. Then decided he can be a social drinker. He doesn't drink every night, like before. The social drinking isn't acceptable to me. I dare not say aword, to avoid conflict. We rarely talk at all. I do want to be happy with my life. I just cann't explain it....To top it off. I checked his email there was a email to a woman he met on yahoo chat. Offering to met her for a drink???? I'm going MENTAL!!!! Feedback please!!! Have ya'll ever been in a similar situation??? I need advice I cann't think for myself...Mary

[bikewench]

Hey Mary... : )

So.... I just gotta ask.

What would it take to make you want to leave?

[marblack]

What would it take to make me want to leave....... The thing I worry about if financial security. My dad was an A. My mom would leave and always return. We lived in Battered women shelters etc. I have 4 kids, and no family to help me with them. This situation isn't good either for them. My five year-old was crying today, how the a b/f had been mean to her. I know my kids trust me to protect them. I am letting myself down and them too by staying. I am afraid of the unknown. It really sucks !!!mar

[Gabe]

Mary,
I don't think I have to tell you that staying with someone because of financial security isn't going to make you a happy person. And financial security is just as flimsy as anything else. It can be here today and gone tomorrow.
Scared of the unknown? I hear you there Mary, I think we're all scared of that. But this is your life and you have to find where your happiness lies.
Decide what you want and then start making plans to get it. One day at a time, you will get there. Take it slow, this stuff is overwhelming if you take it all on at once.
Big hugs,
Gabe

[Rowan]

Marblack

Is your sanity, and your children's well-being, worth financial security?
I can understand your hesitation in going to a shelter because of your own
experience as a child - but - I do think it would be better than your present
living conditions - don't you? Don't make this decision alone. Why don't you look for help within the community - call a shelter and ask them if they can refer you to someone first that you can discuss these problems with before you make a decision.
Sometimes, when we are in an unhealthy environment, we don't always recognize how bad it is because it has become familiar to us. And no matter how dysfunctional, if it's familiar, we tend to stay with it because it's what we know. You and your kids deserve much much better.
Your husband has been disrespectful to you in so many ways. I would have
left a long time ago.
You are not crazy, mental, a wacko, or whatever else he said.
You said that the one Al Anon you mentioned had helped. Go again. And again. Get some support. Post on the Al Anon forums here for some additional support. And call your sponsor. Don't try to do this on your own my friend.
Much love
Rowan
:smile:

[Ann25]

((((((((MARY))))))))))

I dont know what to say..... I never had to deal with my bf`s drug/alcohol
problem---Im the one that had it. But reading your post breaks my heart.
I was with a very verbally abusive and controlling b/f for 4 years and I was sooooo unhappy that it took over my whole life. What Im trying to say is that your happiness-and your childs are what matters. I know that it is hard to suppot yourself when you are a single mother(I have 2 children) but you need to do what you have to do to stand on your own. You are sacrificing your happiness for what? MONEY? Do what you have to do. It might not seem like its worth it at first--assistance is a hard thing to accept--but in the long run, you and your child will be better off. Please...at least look into it--and follow through--there are options out there--they may not be ideal--but is your life now?????????

[bikewench]

Mary...

I can feel your fear...
But keep in mind... you don't have to do anything you don't want to or aren't ready for.
At least your reaching out now. Your starting to question... and taking baby steps to change things.


Just don't stop.


Because your not alone in this. You have kids that depend on you... and they NEED to see you stop being a doormat.

You CAN change your situation... but you gotta do the work.

There's lots of people here that have walked the same path.

I watched my mother waffle with my A , womanizing, physicly abusive Dad...
She must have left him 20 times... and she had 6 kids....

The thing is... we were poor... but it wasn't money that drove her back.. it was her sick need to be with an an emotionaly absent, abusive male cause that was what she was familiar with. And her low self esteem I guess.

It was hell for us kids.

Alanon is an amazing program... and as you have addiction in your childhood.. you might get some great insights into your present patterns from ACOA. (Adult Children of Alcoholics or any addiction for that matter.)

You've opened the right door Mary...

Just don't shut it.... k ?

[marblack]

Hugs to you Ann25 and bikewrench,
Thank you for the advice. I went to Alanon last night. The meetings are great I am also reading codependent no more. Which is a major help. I talked to my sponsor last night, she made it clear what I was saying to her. When the words come out I am saying what I want. But how come I am not believeing it. I know the kids and I deserve better. I have been in this relationship going on five years. I can truly say I have lost myself. I am starting to go out and do things for me like ALanon and just spending time with me. I had gotten so beatten down....I don't even know who I am which is scarey. Me and the a b/f got into a huge fight the night before. He was calling me names and I reacted. I am learning to keep my mouth shut. Its very hard not too. WHen we have a huge fight....I act and sound like the alcoholic. Funny how that happens. My temper frightens me,when my temper flares and we fight. I feel like it isn't me in my body doing and saying these things. I know it sounds weird. Its frightening to me, I would allow someone so much control over me. I hate and resent him for the verbal and physcial abuse. He has gone from drinking a case a night to 2 beers a night. In his mind he is cured. After our huge blow out, he told me he was moving out. I was sadden but relieved. This is truly what I want, I don't know why I waiver so. I hope this is the end. If he tries to change my mind or his....I am not sure how to handle that situation. Thanks for listening and the awesome feedback!!!! Hugs Mary

[Shel]

Could be a blessing in disguise!! I am at the same point in my relationship...if he says he is leaving I will not stop him anymore....he can go ..and it will be hard to do it alone but I think I would/could be happier not having to worry about the next time he drinks etc.....and what will happen!!

take care~

[StandingStrong]

I am the one that has a career, maintains the housework. I do everything he sits and watchs tv. I think everyday I am with him I am missing out on happiness.

You are the one that has a career and maintains the housework - so what financial security are you afraid of losing? Does your A watch the kids for you while you work or something? And how about the thought that if you do decide to leave him, there are government funded types of programs to help you with your rent, food, insurance needs for the kids, etc.

Please don't feel that I am trying to tell you to leave, that is not the case. Only you can make that decision. But I'm wondering after reading your post and hearing of the abuse that you live in, what are YOU getting out of this relationship?

You know, I felt "stuck" in a marriage for years!!!! And I can tell you that it's an amazing thing when you start doing what makes you happy! It's empowering, it's uplifting, and the happiness does come.

Keep attending those meetings, speak with your sponsor. You've made the first steps, just keep on walking forward!!!!

[JT]

marblack,

I was a single parent for a while and it was theee most liberating time in my life. My son's father was a drunk and we did nothing but fight.

While I was alone it was great! I didn't have that other person getting underfoot. If I wanted popcorn for dinner I didn't have to cook for him. Doing things for your kids doesn't feel the same as doing things for a person who told you last night that you were nuts.

Sure, cars break down etc. and things can get a little rough but the sense of accomplishment is without compare.

Looking back on that marriage I think there was a small part of me that wanted DRIVE him out so I didn't have to say the words. And I did...one day he never came home. And I never asked him to.

Hugs,
JT

[marblack]

Its so nice to have everyone here....to lend a hear. Thanks for your replies. I am really finished with this relationship. I know I am afraid of the unknown. I want to be happy for once in my life. I think being alone will make me stronger. This stress of this lifestyle, had taken its toll on me and my kids. My soon to be 2 year old. Screams at his dad when he walks into the room. Then his dad picks at him just to **** him off. I have had enough. I have been staying gone with the kids as much as I can. Counting the days to the first of the month. I don't know if I will stay in the house. I might just move out before he has a chance to leave. I am going to give myself a week and think about it. The A is picking up on vibes...I am truly finished. You can tell in how he acts. Amazing isn't it .....Hugs Mary