Help with drugged out stepson please.

[daffy]

I haven't been on the boards in a long time, but I have a problem that I need help with or at least someone to talk to about it. I married a man who has a son who is now 17 years old. His mother has never been one to set limits with him and he has the run of the house. We get him for visits every other weekend. When he was 13, she let him get his tongue pierced and his nipple pierced, dad was told about it after the fact. He started smoking pot with his mother at age 14, dad wasn't told about this til he was 15, he started smoking cigarettes at 15, dad wasn't told about it until a few months ago. He smokes that pipe starting at 6 in the morning and goes all day long. I don't allow it at my house and him and his mother are having a fit about this. I get a call from her this weekend telling me that he is very depressed, he has no friends and doesn't go anywhere or do anything and that his father doesn't spend enough time with him and no quality time. Mother and son also work together cleaning houses. I bit my lip and said I would have dad call her back, but I was wondering why she had even called to begin with. She told me when she called that the son didn't know she was calling me, so when he called later that night, I asked him if he was okay and that his mother was worried and he told me that he didn't even know she called and then asked to talk to his dad. When dad got on the phone, he lit right into him saying that his wife was rude to his mother on the phone. My antenna went up because he had just gotten through telling me that he didn't know the call was made. He hung up on his father and I took the phone and called her back and asked her what kind of game they were playing. She said she called because she just wanted to relate to another human being. I told her bs, you only call when you want something and right now it's to lay a guilt trip on Rick and it ain't gonna happen. I could see it if he was 6 but he is 17 and what I want to tell her is that if he stopped sucking on that pipe, he might have friends. He is also driving without a license and drinking and privy to his mothers sex life. I also feel that he should be told to get up off his lazy butt and get a ged, ambition, a real job, a learners permit and a car and then he wouldn't have to miss any family functions. Am I wrong to feel this way? I never let my kids get away with this and I don't feel his kids should either. I thought that at 17, you would be working your way towards independence and responsibility. She is more interested in blaming me and Rick. My feeling about this is that things are falling apart for her right now and all of a sudden she wants Rick to step in once again to fix it all. She is more interested in blaming the two of us then taking a hard look at maybe something she could change for the better. When he does come over, he's already high and argumentative and telling dad all about his drug deals and when dad tries to deal with this, he tells him, your not gonna tell me what I can and cannot do. This to me is not him spending quality time with his dad. I am at a loss and don't want to deal with this. I really would appreciate any feedback that someone could give me.

[Gabe]

Hey Daffy,
It's really hard to be a step-parent. You have all of the love and concern and none of the parental rights. It's hard dealing with teenagers period.
It sounds like Mom is playing games with you and trying to lay a guilt trip on Dad. It also sounds like Dad needs to take a more active role in his son's life.
I'm sorry that you have been put in this frustrating position.
Hugs,
Gabe

[daffy]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Its really hard for Rick because everytime he tries to explain to his son why he feels the way he does, he is shut out immediately. He is too interested in being considered cool and thinks that whatever mom does is okay. He stays in bed all day, doesn't eat, is very argumentative and starts fights whenever he comes to stay with us. He enjoys the turmoil when he sees how his actions are sometimes pitting me and Rick against each other. His cousin, who used to be his constant companion has stopped seeing him in order to get his own life back on track. Sometimes, I just want to get in the car and never come back. And that would make Zack and his mom very happy. I just feel so empty right now. I am 49 years old and at a point in my life when things should be not so chaotic. I keep telling myself that I should just hang in there, but don't honestly know how much more of the head games I want to deal with.

[Paulie]

I feel for you Daffy, I really do. As Gabe said being a step parent is difficult. I will tell you something though, if I were that 17 year old kid I would think they way I was living with my mom was heaven. I mean getting high, not having to go t school or work at 17 that was my idea of a good time.

As a (almost) step parent myself, I can tell you the most difficult thing I have to do when dealing with the kids is remember that I am not their mother. I have no say over what they do. I do have say what happens in my house or when they are with me, but that is all. I cannot control what their dad, my SO does or does not do. I can tell him what I think but that is all. And believe me this control freak has a hard time with that.

Don't let this come between your relationship. She is going to play games you cannot control that. Be sure that you and Rick talk about things so you both know where you stand all the time, but don't have expectations that he will handle his son the way you want him to, I know from experience, that is not a good idea.

Good luck to you.

[Gabe]

Hey Daffy,
I was expecting the chaos to dim down a bit after I hit forty.
Oh boy, no such luck.
If the head games are wearing you out, don't play.
This is almost a grown man we're talking about.
He's got his own decisions to make about how he lives his life.
There isn't much you can do about his enabling mother.
Try concentrating on taking care of you instead.
More hugs,
Gabe

[daffy]

I hear you. I am a control freak too. I don't do anything more than tell him what is acceptable at our house. His dad avoids confrontations at all costs, but I think that their last phone call has opened his eyes. Its very discouraging to see somebody who was once interested in alot of things to suddenly have no spark. He did come over for the day on Fathers day and he was lucid. I made it a point to get him off to the side to thank him for being clearheaded and that I enjoyed our conversation and his company and then I get that phone call...grrrrr.

[daffy]

Gabe, thank you...I am concentrating on me big time. I just sometimes feel like I also am married to his ex. Will Rick and I ever have just our marriage to work on, other than the problem with his son, we get along famously and have a great relationship.

[Rowan]

Hi Daffy
I don't have stepchildren, and my kids aren't yet teenagers, but still I wanted to reply to your post to let you know that I cared.
I hope this isn't inappropriate; but the situation between your stepson and his father really echos a film I saw - one of my favourite films in fact. It's called 'Life as a House' and although there are many differences, there are also a lot of similarities; drug use, estranged father/son .. it's got a happy/sad ending. Watching it might inspire you and/or your husband to try new things in order to encourage your stepson and to let him know that he is much loved despite his behaviour. Even if it doesn't shed any light on the situation, I think you will agree that it's a beautiful film about life.
All the best to you.
God Bless
Rowan

[daffy]

Thank you Rowan and everybody who responded to this post. The film is something I think I might like to see. Rick and Zack aren't really estranged, it's just the mother is putting undue pressure on us to have him every waking moment, because she is finding out what its like to have him out of school and working with her (the honeymoon stage is over), so now she is acting like Zack is 7 instead of 17. He could be driving but when I asked him if he was studying for his learners permit, he said I don't need it because I drive now and I'm a good driver. When he's here with us, his main intent is to get me and Rick fighting with each other. He will not make any effort until he puts the pipe down and takes a look at what he's doing, but I don't see that happening in the near future anyway. Thanks for the upbeat message though. Hugs