the ties that bind me...

[justshootme]

been reading u guys for awhile now...not sure why i registered today.
oh wait, now i know, my husband is on his way back home. it's actually been a long 2 years without him. he was locked up and then out of the country. the whole time we have been in constant daily contact, i actually liked having a tele relationship. much easier-safer. not sure of the whole he's coming home routine. actually i am a total waste of life at this point, i know full well he is NOT recovered. i can hear the signs just on the phone, i can tell when he's been drinking, he tells me that when he gets home he will take it more serious. he tells me he is less violent when he drinks now. what kind of dumb moron am i? i rationalize too much i know i do---but i am so tired i need help. my son is 3 and disabled, i miss too much work b/c of it. and even with that i need more time to help him, every week there is a new episode i have to handle. he never sleeps the whole night through. most time he goes to bed at 1030pm and wakes up at 3am like ok ...good mornin'!!!
one part of me says that i shouldn't bother, not even to continue this lame thing called a marriage. that i came away lucky-next time i may not be. but the other part says. you need help, you are about to break-even if he is not much help something is better than nothing.

what am i talking about?? i love having the freedom to come and go-i hate having the freedom and lonlieness. i want him to be a good man!! after all we need him to be. isn't that enough?

[Paulie]

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. You asked isn't needing him to be a good man enough? No, it isn't enough. I am a recoverying addict myself and I know that I did not get sober until I was ready to get sober. People in my life that wanted me to, did that, wanted and that was all. I was not ready until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I will say a prayer for you and your son. God Bless.

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by justshootme

i want him to be a good man!! after all we need him to be. isn't that enough?

Oh, I wish that were enough.
If it were, this would all be so simple.
Hey justshootme, welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you're here.
Having a young child who's disabled is a full time job in itself.
I'm sure you would love to have some help with that.
I'm not sure how much help you're going to get from your husband if he's actively drinking though.
And a big red flag went up for me when I read your statement "he tells me he is much less violent when he drinks now".
Please be very careful once he gets home.
You and your son deserve a happy, safe life.

[journeygal]

Hi JSM,

I got the same warning flag with the violent statement. Please take care of yourself.

There's nothing wrong with wanting him to be a good man - he just may not be able to be the good man you want and need.

By the way, just b/c you're married to him doesn't mean you have to stay married to him. Do what's best for you and your son and focus on having a peaceful life.

Take care,
JG

[justshootme]

i'm so lost.
it is such a catch 22. he is what in rehab, his counselor called a weekend warrior. he drinks only weekends. during the week he is such the opposite of a vile drunk. loving compassionate understanding..always there with the family, patient with the kids. it feels good to be around him. never a harsh word. but the weekend's--all hell breaks loose. i feel like i need to try one last time, something in my gut tells me to try. but then i am scared, it only takes one more time. my brain goes back and forth with this. i look and see a young boy who wasn't even given a chance-but then i see an adult who needs to fess up and realize he csn't spend another minute placing blame. he needs to change. do you think it's totally unrealistic that when he walks in that door in 2 weeks, he will look in his son's eyes and see how much his son needs him. that he will see that his son will most likely need to be looked after forever...or will it just become another excuse? i just don't know if i should hold on to any hope...
i do know one thing. this time if i do try again, i have a back up place to live and money aside just in case. this time if it happens i go underground and never come back!

[Gabe]

Hey justshootme,
There is always hope. Maybe this time, he will turn it around.
If not, I'm really glad you have a back up plan.
Hugs,
Gabe

[justshootme]

thanks gabe.
i really feel much more energized, since our time apart. not in the physical sense. in the physical sense my son runs me ragged (with love). but in the mindset, i feel strong. before i was weak. and i did whatever i could to put out the fires and i always gave in to avoid hassles and dramatic scenes. i was so exhausted, that i was just a shell. but now, even though i am scared of the violence, i feel strong enough that at the first sight of the old "life" i know i will get out of it. i will not stay, i have come to the understanding that this person was thrust into adult hood. and is really mostly grieving for his childhood. the child he was never really allowed to be. i learned this with my son's disability. when he was 2 he was diagnosed, and i was told by all that there was a good chance that he will wind up in an institution by the time he is 14. i greived for months, i cried i saw a therapist i pretty much just fell apart. i was mourning the death of my child. the child that a mother expects when she gives birth and they tell her he's a 9.5 lb healthy boy. i mean by the time my son was one i had him dating and playing pro ball and just pretty much all the "dreams" moms do as they gaze upon their joy. i had to learn that although i lost one child i had another. one that would taKE me to the edge of the cliff. one that would test every bit of me. a child that would make me see this humble life more clearly. and appreciate the smiles more. oh and do i.

ok i'm rambling ... i do that a about my little boy-he's just so perfect and so innocent. maybe this enlightenment is what is allowing me to give my husband that one last opportunity. to join a family and cherish his life.

[Gabe]

justshootme,
What you said about your son is beautiful.
I'm glad you have him to light up your life.

[Dan]

Originally Posted by justshootme

to join a family and cherish his life.

I hope he realizes the gifts that are there for him.

[justshootme]

i have to say..that this site has been able to give me so much perspective. i am eternally grateful for it and all of you guys who take the time out to be helpful -supportive and insightful. even sometimes when someone is just telling their story or asking for help. it gives me a sense of understanding. it makes me able to look at my life from outside in. and gain some perspective. you guys are definitely the best.

thanks

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by justshootme

it gives me a sense of understanding. it makes me able to look at my life from outside in. and gain some perspective.

Justshootme, that is a very good thing.
Again, I'm glad you're here.