My name is Def and I am insecure

[DefofLov]

Hey Fam!

Can you help me sort this mess out that is tattered in my brain???

I am in this long distance relationship with this beautiful young man and recently he was busy moving and he went on a car trip to Florida from NYC. I knew this and I still completely freaked out when he did not call me as much as he used to and when he did no talk as much as he used to. I did a poor job of communicating my feelings to him. Then after I apologized for being so unreasonable and he accepted my apology, I was angry at myself for messing up. I was afraid that he would leave me because of all of my nagging and I kept asking him if he forgave me.

I was mentally and verbally abused by my aunt and grandma and I was neglected by my mother. I have had a series of bad friendships and relationships. I wonder how the alcoholism and abuse has affected me and my relationships.

As far as this scenario is concerned, I wonder if I was being hard on myself because I want to be perfect for him? I wonder if I was being insecure and that was why I was freaking out when he wasn't calling me and I wonder what I need to do..I mean where my weaknesses are...

Can you please help me sort this out???

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by DefofLov

I wonder if I was being hard on myself because I want to be perfect for him?

Ding! Ding! I think you have the answer there Def.
We are none of us perfect. Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. So there is bound to be a rough patch or two along the way. It sounds like you guys worked things out.
"He didn't call" doesnt always equal "he doesn't care anymore."
When I'm feeling insecure, it's because I'm listening to the self defeating internal dialogue. As soon as I catch onto that, I change the tape.

[DefofLov]

thanx Gabe, I needed that

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi Def.

When we grow up with weirdness like alcoholism, smooth, candid and assured are not words that we can apply to situations where feelings run high. If you're like me, the minute anybody's getting disturbed (or might be) your breathing goes all funny and you can't speak. Or maybe you speak uncontrollably. At any rate we are a few rolls behind in the communication game because our anxiety gets us all flustered. Then we're sorry. We're so sorry.

The thing I have to do is remind myself that this is not my dad (or mom), I'm not four and nobody is going to be eaten by cannibals in the jungles of Peru. (Long story.) That the anxiety is coming from a situation that is long gone and there's no real present threat.

Hugs!
Smoke