Will this pattern never cease!

[Novemberphoenix]

It boggles my mind how I consistently look for love in all the wrong places and when I've realized it's the wrong place I keep trying to excavate some more because in my sick mind I believe it just has to be there! Just can't understand this quest for fool's gold that I have been on for as long as I can remember. It hurts me and I know it hurts me yet I continue!

I've been running into my ex quite a bit online lately and it is just not good for me, more often than not interactions with him leave me in a chaotic state, wishing for something that just isn't there. I'm really frustrated with myself right now! I yearn for depth for a spiritual connection with someone and I am lonely, so very lonely. It saddens me to realize yet again that this person just cannot go there, how many times do I have to do this to myself, it's so stupid and pathetic. When I consider severing ties I just cannot bring myself to do it. Why can't I rise above this? It hurts so damn much!
:banghead:

I HATE being codependent! I HATE feeling needy and weak! Damnit all to hell! Most of all I hate feeling so sad. Sorry about the vent had to get some of it out of my system.

Marie

[journeygal]

(((((Marie)))))

I dated a guy for seven years. We worked together. When we broke up, I still saw him everyday. Needless to say, getting over him was very difficult. A few months after we broke up, he was sent to Germany for 3 months. Lo and behold, the distance was what I needed to get over him. I also needed time to be by myself before rushing into another relationship.

If you're running into your ex a lot online, I assume through a IM buddy list, why don't you try blocking his name for a while? You need a break from him.

I know you're lonely. It's hard being by yourself, especially after being in a relationship for a long time. But it's good to get used to our own company again and really take time to figure out what we want and maybe why we keep attracting the wrong people. You're not stupid or pathetic. We all want to make that connection with the right person. Give yourself some time. It's hard now but it will get better.

Hugs,
JG

[Gabe]

((((Marie))))
I'm sorry you're going through all this. It's hard to be "in-between". Luckily, we don't stay there forever. Hold onto the thought of what you want while you're on your way to find it.
Peace,
Gabe

[Novemberphoenix]

Thanks JG and Gabe,

It appears that I'm having some difficulty with acceptance today. The addict in me just wants what it wants and gets mighty angry when it doesn't. Been wishing today that I wasn't what I am - a crazy addict! Times like this I want to reach for something, if not love then drugs, if not drugs alcohol, bloody addict rampage in my head right now.

I realize that what I'm really missing is some compassion for myself, the warrior type that I am I want to just obliterate all that is making me uncomfortable in my own skin today. I was having a really good day yesterday and that is part of what I'm having trouble letting go of today, I've been fighting being in the now.

So taking a deep breath now and coming back to right here right now. I have food and shelter and a loving community to be with here. I am NOT in a relationship anymore and it makes me sad and relieved at the same time. I've been getting a taste of what made me walk away to begin with. It' s amazing how selective the memory of an addict can be. When I lived with this man I felt like I was living with the embodiment of my inner critic, that is NOT what I need to have in my life right now. I hurt in the now, I hurt because I didn't get what I needed growing up and I am now trying to find my way as an adult and it is sometimes a struggle. There is alot of healing to be done inside me before I am a functional human being and that at times is a daunting prospect. Today one moment at a time I continue to remind myself that I am getting better, and that this too will pass. In this moment I need to let it be okay that I feel angry, that I hurt, that I feel sad and lonely and that yes I feel needy as well and that I have judgment about it all.

Marie

[Ann25]

Hi Marie!
I know what your saying!!! I am so lonley right now---It sucks being alone. My ex (not my kids father)( started dating him 6 months after--and for almost 3 years) has been bugging me lately. I know in my heart that he is not right for me. VERY controlling, mentally and verbally abusive--just can be sooooo mean. But we did have some good times together--but I cant dwell on that. The whole time we were toghter I was using.(behind his back)
He never knew the extent of my addiction. Even though it really boggels me how he couldnt of known!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was ALWAYS high!!!! Anyways---being so lonley I want to just be with someone--and sometimes finding myself missing him. But deep down its not him I miss--its just the lonliness talking.

Right now this is what we need. We need to find ourselves. Find out who we are and what it is that we want.(and need)
We need to fight this addiction and see who we really are.

I dont know If this sounds like alot of B.S.-- but this is what I believe.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE US!!!!!!!!!
Ann

[Dan]

((Marie))

[Gabe]

Marie,
I just hate those daunting prospects, don't you?
But we get past them one day at a time.
Ann25, what you said sounded like a whole lot of common sense, not a whole lot of BS.
The best part about all this is that we're all walking the same road together.
And what great company!
Peace,
Gabe

[Novemberphoenix]

Ann - Dan - Gabe,

Thanks for being there for me. Ann - Gabe is right you make perfect sense! Gabe glad for the company on this otherwise lonely road.

Having regained some measure of sanity (just barely) today - onward and upwards, I will rise.

Love

Marie

[SusannC]

Hi NovemberPhoenix,
Boy...you just described what has been in my head and heart all morning that i could not put a finger on or bring to words. I completely understand becasue that is where i am coming from too. I am ready to pull my hair out right now because life is not giving me what I want. My relationship is in the garbage right now and that hurst and I am angry and wanting anything to take away this pain and frustration. You are not alone!


Love,
Susann

[Novemberphoenix]

Ahh Susann!

What a life eh! I hope that things work out for you and thanks good to know i"m not alone and hey - neither are you! 8-) Take it one day at a time and breath deeply! And a prayer or two can't hurt either.

Love

Marie

Marie,

Speaking of patterns. . . I just ended an 8 year relationship with an A and I know the pain. But it got me to thinking. Even some of my friendships with women have similar patterns. The two women friends I have/had show some striking similarities to my relationship with the A.

One, who is no longer a friend, was very controlling. Everything we did together was something she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. If if was a movie, it had to be one she picked. If it was dinner, it had to be a restaurant she wanted to go to. And most of the time that was fine with me, I'm easy going. But she did eventually get on my nerves trying to control things that were not her job to control. She stuck her nose into other's business and saw everything in black in white. That's eventually what drove us apart, because I stopped putting up with that kind of stuff and told her to grow up. The world wasn't here just to kiss her backside because she thought it should.

The current friend isn't quite as bad, but she has bullying tendencies. She'll do most things but only if it is on her terms and to her advantage. It's OK if other people are put out, however. She's uses people, so I have to watch that carefully. But she is a good person. She just has her own issues to deal with.

So much for patterns. Something to think about.

Hugs,


Gracie