My relationship story

[Illcat]

At this point my girl is in AA and doing well. We have been together for 4 tumultuous years dealing with her using and emotional issues. I helped her get to AA and I am very proud to say that she is 90 plus days sober. She is finding a new self-assuring path through faith and I am 100% with her. While all that has been great there has been some not too great things that I have become concerned with.

Before she got into AA she was a very free spirited woman and she yearned for male companionship because she claims she can't get along with women. I was fine with that until I saw how the guys were with her, they all liked her and were just waiting for their chance to step in when her and I were on the outs because of her using. Well, 2 of them were able to and she actually slept with 2 guys while we were going through our yo yo phase. She is the type of woman that does not know how to set boundaries and limitations. She talks too much and reveals far too much to people thus empowering them over her. Then it gets to a point where she regrets it and can't fix it. Now that she is in AA I figured that all of this would go away, especially since AA is very aware of the intermingling of men and women. At first she had female sponsors but did not like how they acted, same ole catty chicks. She then decided to obtain a male sponsor albeit 80 years old, but a male. I was fine with that. Next, I noticed she started mentioning a guy at meetings who was in the same profession as me. That was cool until I started hearing his name more and more. Next, after a meeting she went out to dinner with him, which I did not like. She e mails this guy all day at work and they talk about things that got her in trouble with other people before, revealing too much. Now, before any of you even mention it yes, I have become a jealous man based on our past experiences but I do feel that she is making the same mistakes. For one, this guy knows she has me but some of the things he says to her I feel like he’s setting her up for the 13th step. It's still early in this but I can tell that this is where this is going. My girl has an innate ability to be very naive and not really pick up on a guys subtle advances. I am happy and proud of my girl but I think she may be making the same mistakes again just in the structure of AA. So lets hear it people!

[Paulie]

Can I ask what about you? Have you even thought of Alanon? I would really suggest it.

I want to say this as nicely as I can. She is an adult, and naive or not doing something to your partner in a relationship that hurts them is not okay. Whether she is picking up on his advances or not does not matter, she is thinking only of herself, which is part of the disease, I know I am an addict in recovery myself.

I also want to tell you that I felt the same way about other women when I first got into recovery too, a large percentage of women do, we have had several discussions here on the boards about that very subject. That is something that she needs to work on in her recovery. Learning to have relationships with other women was key to my recovery, it is the women that same my ass not the men.

Boundaries need to be set for people like me, and there has to be consequences for my actions. When I say people like me, I mean addicts, alcohalics. We need boundaries and consequences. Speaking as an addict, I would push and push and get away with everything I could if someone would let me, manipulation and attention were my main goals. Her sharing to much with other men, that is attention.

You talk alot about her and wanting her to take care of her self, but what about you?

[Illcat]

Yes I have thought about it and eventually will go. I am doing the one on one counseling right now. Thanks Paulie!

[Illcat]

I have also been to Al Anon and ACOA and both have been helpful. Wow, I expected more people than this to respond, oh well......

[wastedtime4me]

You cant change anyone but yourself!!!! Follow your gut on this one!!!
If your not comfortable with her talking to this man...Stand up for yoursef and tell her so!!!! Please get yourself into alanon..you may need it .
when she coomes to you and says..I met someone else and we really click...
She shouldnt be "interacting"with other men .Just my opinion.By the way i am female...

[Magichappens]

Hey Illcat,
I think Paulie is right about her actions. Until she decides to look at her own character, she will continue to be a victim of others. Your view of her as a victim will contribute to her continuation of this action. I considered myself a victim for most of my life, and sought people to perpetuate and agree with this view. Until I decided to take responsibility for myself, I stayed in that mode. I looked for ways to avoid the consequences of my actions. Poor me. It took many people who wouldn't accept my pity party invites to help me take a look at changing. There are women who are not catty and can be trusted if we look for them. If I can't find them, I'm not looking. Hugs, Magic

[mackat]

Ilcat
Paulie asked THE fundamental question: what about you?
I am an alkie/addict and when i started doing the program mack's way instead of doing it the way all those men and women had been doing it all those decades, it was just another manifestation of my disease.
My disease would not have cared that you were 'cool' with me seeing other people- i would just have taken it as my 'right' ..and consequences? what? are you for real?!
So- you say you have been to al anon- got your sponsor? working your steps? If not, the ESH of millions of folk in your shoes is being wasted. You have been captured by this disease just as surely as your SO...save your initial post - as you do the al anon work you will be able to look back and see all the 'hook' language that many of us can see....
mackat

[journeygal]

Hi Illcat,

Your g/f, sober or not, is going to make her own choices and you can't change that. You can't force her to set up boundaries or convince her to stop being so open with other guys. All you can do is decide if you can accept her actions. If not, then you have to figure out how you're going to deal with it.

Good for you for going to counseling and attending meetings. Your job is to look out for and take care of yourself.

Hugs,
JG

[Illcat]

Thanks everyone!