Been a while since I was here...

[Dan]

... And I still have some days when things come back to bite me. I think I've accepted, pretty much, that my relationship with Lori will never be quite pain free, if that makes any sense. Some days, I think our only common ground is our children, and our desire to give them a happy, secure home to grow up in, feeling nurtured and encouraged. And I am very grateful for that, please don't get me wrong. But I hurt inside, and some days I just want to yell out and say enough already... Will we ever again enjoy a secret bond like we used to her and I? Probably not. I guess I am somewhat nostalgic today, remembering when it was "us" against the world, when all we needed was to be found in eachother. When I was a playful, inventive devil in disguise, and her my muse, my delight and my life. I'm in the middle of my life now, and starting to realize what it feels like to say "I remember twenty years ago...". I know that looking back is just that, a look behind, at times that will never be again. Yeah, I signed up for this I guess...
Anyway, thanks for listening

[Gabe]

((((Dan))))
I can get really down thinking about what's behind me.
I try to balance that out by remembering that I still have the better half of my life left to enjoy.
Sending some light your way,
Gabe

[journeygal]

((((((Dan))))))

You may not have what you once had, but that doesn't mean you can't find peace in your life. Your happiness is up to you. Focus on the good that still remains and try to accept the not-so-good with as little resentment and anger as you can.

Hugs,
JG

[Novemberphoenix]

Dan my friend,

I'm sorry you're hurting, sounds like some deep growing pains. We may not be the people we once were however being older and wiser we are so much more than we were once. The good thing about being older and wiser is knowing that we really don't know and that life and the relationships that are close to our heart have the ability to surprise us and bring us so much more than can be seen when we are hurting.

With all of their flaws, I watched my parents cycle through good times, tense and difficult times, coming together and moving away from each other sometimes for long periods of time to come back yet again and find each other anew. I was moved beyond expression at my father's farewell to my mother, this man, my father who spent over 40 years with a woman, my mother calling her the love of his life how no one and no thing could replace her, how he'd miss her everyday for the rest of his life and how he was grateful for every minute he'd had with her these words said on his knees with his warm hands over her cold ones, and as tears coursed down his cheeks he leaned over and kissed her one last time. I never knew to what depth they'd loved until that moment, I knew they'd loved each other but not like that.

I hope this may in some small way help you Dan. You are in my prayers.

Love

Marie

[ted]

HEY DAN,
I'M GOING THROUGH SIMILAR,I WAS SLOWLY TAKING DOWN THE FOUDATION
WE HAD BUILT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP,BRICK BY BRICK.MY USING WAS RUINING
MY DREAM.I DON'T BLAME SUE AT ALL,SHE HAS BEEN THE FOOTING.
TIME FOR US TO CLEAN THE BRICKS,AND RE-BUILD.I HURT BAD ABOUT MY SELFISH
WAYS,TRYING MY BEST TODAY TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.MY PAST WAYS
HAUNT ME ALOT.THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS, DO MY BEST NOT TO REPEAT IT.
SOMETIMES QUICKLY,SOMETIMES SLOWLY,BUT IT WILL MATERIALIZE IF WE WORK FOR IT.
YOU ARE A TRUE GEM DAN.-MY MAN

AND THE BAND PLAYED ON........
:band
ted

[Dan]

How does it go... It is better to have loved, than...
Thank you all for your kind words and insight. Simply grieving and healing, reaffirming my commitment to a sober life.

[JT]

Dan,

I know that everything is possible. My marriage was horrible and I won't elaborate. Since my own recovery...anon....we have had some really awesome ups and some less than horrible downs. We are not always on the same page at the same time...but we also have not fallen out of love at the same time. I can see a future that will be less than perfect but much much better than the worse we have been through.

I am 23 years with an active alcoholic. Progressing in the your own recovery can do some pretty awesome things.

((Hugs))
JT

[Ann25]

Dan,
Wow--I feel for you. I am not a person to give advice on love. I pushed everyone away who ever cared about me. I was selfish--only cared about me. You know how that goes!! Obviously you have someone special who is there for you and cares enough to stick by you--If you truly want that then you owe it to yourself and Lori to try and get back what you once had.
You seem like a great guy--love the little quips that come from you. You`ve made me smile a few times--haha.
Hang in there!!!!
Ann

[Dan]

Thanks. It comes down to a very basic component of the human condition.
I ache in my heart and I feel lonely, even though I am mostly happy with my life.
So I walk on, with all that needs to be done.
I just ache. I left a chunk of my heart back there.

[Gabe]

((((Dan))))
Peace,
Gabe

[Dan]

I look at my old dog, Muffin, and I see in her eyes the unconditional love that is so universal to our beloved pets. Her hips are slowly failing her, and she can't hear or see as well as she used to. But she constantly reminds me that she loves me. And that got me thinking this morning that perhaps it is in my heart that I will find what I need to mend. That no matter what, I deserve to experience joy in my life.
My old pup used to be able to run like the wind. Up and down in the back forty, with limitless enthusiasm for the next crow to chase, or the simple game of playing fetch with the object of the moment. Her loud bark at the sight of a stranger always tempered by a smiling snout and a wagging tail. My beautiful old girl never, ever had a day where she didn't find something new to be amazed with. Even as slow as she is now, her ears perk up at the sound of the tags on her collar when it's time for a walk into town. I still remember the way she would not leave my side for two or three days when I came home from rehab. In her unconditional love, I have found solace and an escape from my turmoils. Then, and now.

[Gabe]

Hey Dan,
They don't refer to dogs as "man's best friend" for nothin'.
And you definately deserve to experience joy.
Hugs,
Gabe

[ted]

MAN'S BEST FRIEND, :sigh1: :smile:
ted

[McKrazy]

Hey Dan! It's been awhile since I've sent you a tidbit.....
"We must be willing to relinquish the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -Joseph Campbell
It's hard to see things be so different than the dream or even just the hope. I know what I live now, though, is not what I've been called to, I'm just in preparation right now to be used mightily. I seem to be at least in a similar place to you in that this is not what I envisioned life to look like at 41 years old. God must truly have an amazing plan and that's my hope. For today, my part is to be me to the fullest and no longer live in insanity or for anyone else.
"Not to dream boldly may turn out to be simply irresponsible." -George Leonard
Take care, dear friend, you are not alone. Sing loudly so we can all enjoy!
Pam

[Dan]

Sweet Pam, it's good to hear from you again. As usual, your quote speaks to me loudly. Yes, the life that is waiting for us. Probably very few of us are where they envisioned themselves to be. Surely another quirk of the human condition.
Onward, upward, sideways and backwards at times... we go on, don't we?
Funny thing, when the notification of your post arrived, I was sitting with Will watching for the zillionth time... wait for it... you got it! Finding Nemo.
You sound happy Pam. Very cool.

Dan

[McKrazy]

You know, Dan, I'm learning lots. My situation's not much different from the outside, but I'm changing alot on the inside. I'm actually feeling a bit of peace lately, and feeling like I'm going to do what's best when the time to do it is best. I'm prepared to leave if need be, but for now detaching is working for me and I think for the kids, too. The whole house is definitely less stressful without my stress level skyrocketing and my worrying over whether I should stay or go. I have a sponsor and she rocks. I'm not getting sucked in to the insanity as much, and I'm actually recognizing insanity when I see it (mostly). I am actually feeling like I'm an okay person, too, and I'm getting lots of running in (my drug) and that always helps. This week my daughter is in a play at school that I've helped direct and that's my creative outlet. Life is good even if it doesn't fit what I'd like to have. Maybe someday I can add romance and intimacy and partnership.... but not for now. At least we have friendship, that's good, too. Hope you and Lori are having a good moment right now, will pray for that. Take care my friend, I think of you and hope your guitar is guiding your up on the roof moments. My H plays guitar too, it's one of the few connects, I could listen to him for hours.
"You are not alone. We are all connected. You could no more separate yourself from humanity than a wave could separate itself from the ocean and still be a wave." Gerald Jampolsky
Pam

[Dan]

How quick, relatively speaking, thirty years of self abuse ended. Really a blip on the radar screen when I look at the bigger picture. And in that, I find an interesting parallel to my relationship with Lori. Putting aside all the different episodes, all the seemingly endless twists and turns, I can pretty much isolate in my mind the moment when it came to a stop; that certain look in her eyes that told me it was enough.
She had been along for twenty four of those years. Through thick and thin, through laughter and tears. I went on to the pit. She got off the bus before it left. But she stayed with me through it all. And I wonder today, had I been a little less selfish, if I could have made it a little easier for her.
Most likely.
As is with most of what I do, this post is totally spontaneous.
Just wanted to say I love you Lori.
And I thank you for what you have given me.
May we continue getting better you and I, and raise our children as best we possibly can.

[CRS3]

Amen Dan, Amen
CRS

[Novemberphoenix]

((((Dan))))

[DIANA3]

Hi Dan,
I Like What You Said. I Am Myself Afraid That Sobriety Will End A Big Part If Not All Of My Relationship With Ted. Im Not As Much Fun Sober. In Fact Im Very Serious At Times. I Get Quiet And Read Alot. When I Do Break Out With My Sagitarious [spelling Again] Then I Feel Unsure That I Should Have Said Anything At All. Many Times My Husband Tryes To Tell Me What Not To Say. And Then I Feel Stupid, And I Get Mad. I Guess People In Our Lives Get Used To Us The Way We Are. If We Drink That Is What They Get Used To. When Things Change, They Dont Know What To Do Either. My Husband Says He Will Stand By Me. But Then On His Weekend Off He Halls Me Off To All The Bars. The Only Edge I Have Is That I Dont Get Drunk As Fast As Him. When I Get Enough I Just Want To Go Home. When I Went In Rehab In 1995 His Words Were, Quote[if You Dont Want To Party With Me Then Move] I Did. I Lived Alon For Three Years. But It Wasnt Untill I Was Drinking Again That He Wanted Me Back. I May Have Some Big Choices In The Near Future.
I Do Know How You Feel.
Diana3

[Dan]

It's time.
I've removed the last of the denial filters and stared at what's real about Lori and I. Time to throw the marbles down and watch them roll away again. Seems like I've done a lot of that in the past year. Huge, jaw dropping life decisions. Now perhaps the biggest yet.
I'm reminded of what my rehab counselor wanted for me. She and I argued high and low about her wanting to set me up in a recovery home for six months before going home. She had found me a bed, and all that remained was for me to sign off. I refused. I wanted another chance at being an in home father for my kids. It's not going to happen.
So I'm still entitled to be accepted in a recovery home. I graduated rehab and that's the only requirement in my country. The whole show is publicly funded. Read counting my blessings. I made the calls. I saw some people this morning. Now I wait. Again. How grateful I am for my recovery program. I feel no compulsion to drink or use over yet another impossible life situation. Everyone in my house deserves a Big Life.
So I tried. It hasn't come to be.
My balance lies outside the home.
And it's time to go find it.

[Gabe]

(((((Dan)))))

[boryad]

((((((Dan)))))

This may, or may not be appropriate to your situation, but my A told me something that makes a ton of sense to me and MY recovery as a Codie. He told me that for years, he tried to work his recovery around his life (he was in an 8 week rehab through the military several years ago). He realized, after his latest stint in in-house rehab (7 months before he walked away) that his life has to work around his recovery.

I wasn't finding the time to make meetings work for me...how could I? I have a job, children and a house to look after. I was writing to my A, daily, on my lunch hour. I guess I could squeeze some reading and studying in somewhere. I wasn't getting anywhere with myself. I started to work my life around my recovery, i.e., I had to put my recovery first so I pulled back on the letter writing, found a quiet place for my lunch hour and jumped in feet first w/my reading, writing and studying. I found a weekly meeting that works for me...it doesn't allow me to tuck my youngest in at night, but it was only one night a week...maybe it was time she "grew up" a little as well. I was all ready to start working my steps, found myself a sponsor. Then the A, and soon to be ex, threw some real heavy wrenches my way, at the same time. You saw what happened to me.

I'm not out of my self-imposed mess, not by a long shot. However, this week, I'm making my way back. I still have alot to deal w/the ex, the A is pretty much on his own, but he's doing well and he's making his way back home (he left town for a job but he sees it's God's will to come home and) to continue his recovery into the real world as a clean and sober person. We're both working our separate lives around our separate recovery, it seems to be the only answer to sanity and serenity...balance. I've begun my readings again, I have some "unfinished" business w/some bookwork and then I WILL start my step work, I want something to show my sponsor next week.

Just getting my feet grounded again in my recovery has lifted my head, lifted my heart. I pray that you too will find peace in continuing your recovery and work your life around it.

[KelKel]

Dan
:heart:
I sure do love you, wish I could lessen the pain.


yer lil' groupie......

[Magichappens]

((Dan))
There is a new gift ahead if you want it. Be as open to it as you can. There is more to learn, more love to experience, more surprises to be discovered. No matter how old we get, there is still a child full of hope inside. Don't lose sight of that. Hugs, Magic