big move needs outside opinions

[uttink]

I just wanted some other opinions. First let me begin with some background info. Last year one of the guys i worked with went into treatment for drug abuse. We were pretty good friends so we kept the friendship going while he was in treatment in another state. during the summer, he came to visit and we went to dinner several times. well needless to say, we began dating. after we started, dating he finished up his treatment and has since gotten another job and goes to groups almost daily. since we've had a long distance relationship for about a year, the traveling to see each other not to mention rarely getting to see each other has gotten old fast. It became so i couldn't bear to leave him. since i graduate from college in a week, last month we decided that we would move in together. his therapist and addictionologist didn't seem to have a problem with it. however, some of his recovery friends don't like the idea and say we don't know what we're in for. while they have their spouses and girlfriends with them on daily basis, i don't think they realize what it's been like for us and i believe they only see the negatives. so, i just wanted to see what other people dealing with this issue thought.
thanks

[bikewench]

You asked for an opinion... so here's mine although you might not like it... ; )

however, some of his recovery friends don't like the idea and say we don't know what we're in for. while they have their spouses and girlfriends with them on daily basis,

I do see that you have a resentment against the very people who are trying to help your BF. ; )

It became so i couldn't bear to leave him.

You might want to look for any unhealthy behaviours in here...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=21155 (obsessive love)


I think anyone has a chance in a relationship if their aware of the dynamics of addiction and attend a support group like Nar-anon to keep one's equilibrium and focus.

Just don't go into it thinking it's going to be a piece of cake.... cause there is a saying around the 12 steps...

Step 13... I'm an addict and my life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you. ; )

[journeygal]

Hi Uttink,

Even without the addiction issues, I'd be wary of moving in with someone you've never really lived in the same place with. It's a huge step to take and it doesn't sound like you guys have spent more than a few day together at a time. Would it be an option to just move to the same city first, in two different residences, and see how it goes? Just a thought...

Take care,
JG

[Gabe]

I think journey has a really good alternative. Moving in with someone is a bigger adjustment than most people realize. Romance is great, co-habitating is a whole different ball game.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
Peace,
Gabe

[uttink]

I thought i'd go ahead and reply to bikewench. It's not that i'm osessed or anything. i love him and he' my best friend so it's hard to leave that connection when you don't know exactly when you'll see him again. it's more the uncertainity and sadness not needing or anything. trust me i'm totally independent and plan to stay that way. also, i like all his friends and think they're really good for him. but i also think that they don't try to see our point of view..actually i know this because he's always mad at them for not listening to what he has to say about the matter. if they would listen then offer they're opinion i'd have no problem with it. i also think it's easy for them to tell someone not to do move in together when they live in the same house with their significant other and they don't deal with the uncertainty of when am i going to see you again.

[JT]

uttink,

You are not going to like my opinion any more than bikewenches or your guy's friends.

Knowing what I know I would never ever ever knowingly get involved with a person with an addiction. I don't think I offend anyone here....there are a whole lot of addicts who would agree. Your friend's recovery buddies certainly do. There are simply too many personality traits (and I share alot of them) in a newly recovering person that eliminates them as soul mate material.

JT

[bikewench]

Hey Uttink...

Sorry this has taken so long... but I've replied to you 3 times and lost each one cause I took too long to write my post... so this time I'm going to remember to copy it before I post it .. lol

Anyway... I'm wondering if you've had any exposure to addiction other than your BF? I'm wondering if your aware of how wrong things can go?

I like Journeygals suggestion... cause it gives you your needed contact with your guy... but also lets you be more detatched around his behaviours.

I'd also find a support group for S/Others of addicts... it can help you maintain your equilibrium.

The addict is baffling, cunning and powerful... and destroys lives. Not to be underestimated. ; )

[Paulie]

You say that his recovery friends dont' think it is a good idea either, that is because in recovery it is suggested that you don't make any life changing decisions for at least the first year. This includes getting into new relationships. This is suggested for a reason. My first year of sobriety was not what I expected it to be. You see it is not about putting down the drugs it is about changing everything about the way you live life.

I was involved with someone before I went to rehab, he went to rehab too. When we got out we did not start our relationship up again for a year. After we had a good foundation of recovery. Relationships take work and in early recovery all you should be working on is your recovery, not the added pressure of a new relationship.

If it is meant to be, it will be in 6 or 12 months.

Sorry, I guess I should have started this post with .... you won't like my opinion either.

Good luck to you.

[Illcat]

These responses are all things that I guess I have to also take into consideration with my situation.

[mellow]

My opinion is the same, don't move in with him. The suggestion to live in the same city with different residences is a very good idea. I've been with my b/f a year today as a matter of fact and we wouldn't have lasted a month if we would have lived with each other. There are just too many issues to deal with on a daily basis and I personally am not strong enough to get my spirit hammered every time he drinks or tries to quit drinking. I need my space to take care of myself. Take care of yourself. Paulie said if it's meant to be, it will be. I truly believe that so I'm not rushing or pushing anything. Just another opinion.

mellow