Thoughts on Relationships

[woodtick]

Although I'm not dating right now and believe I shouldn't for a while I can't help but think about how to approach the future. I have my own issues, some have been resolved but others will take time. There in lies a problem. I know I'm not going to have every issue in my life resolved before I meet someone, do I need to? Everybody has some baggage right?

I have no doubt that I was partially to blame for my divorce. Life piled on the obligations and I added more. That is one of my issues that I am working on BTW. My wife needed more attention and I didn't take time to give it to her. I'll probably never know if I took her for granted or if she was too needy. I was very bitter at first when she bailed out. All I could think is what a quitter. Especially since things were starting to turn around for us. Either way I don't want to make the same mistake(s) in the future. I never want to get divorced again. I believe the major mistake in my marriage was who I chose to marry.

I know one of my mistakes was getting married before I knew who my ex-wife really was. I was always gun shy from getting my heart broke by the "bad girls" and thought I really had it made when I met her. She had four years of college, a good job, nice family. I was greatly mistaken. The old adage "you can't judge a book by it's cover" is so true. Although she had many fine attributes, she lacked a certain peace within herself and a self-identity. She looked to me to provide that. As far as what to look for initially in a mate, at this point most all cards are on the table.

We're attracted to what we are used to in a sub-conscious manner I believe, although my marriage was a deliberate attempt to buck that inclination. A perfect example; I met a woman at school. She is 27 and has two children. There was just something about her that made me feel comfortable. We started chatting and formed a small friendship, a healthy acquaintance if you will. I believe I would have asked her to have coffee or something if I hadn't figured out that she had a boyfriend already. To get to the point, there was something about her that I was attracted to, felt comfortable around. I found out later that she is a recovering meth addict. I was even more interested in her until I figured out she had a man. I still enjoy her conversation and have left our relationship as a warm acquaintance.

The fact that I can't judge a book by it's cover brings me to the issue of dating somebody that is a recovering addict/alcoholic. Oh, Ive dated enough active addicts/alcoholics to realize what a disaster that can be, but I've never dated someone in recovery before. I've honestly never known anybody in recovery before I came here. I really like people in the recovery community. I have found that we A's are very open, understanding, humble, giving, and don't have much to hide anymore. I really like those qualities in people. It makes us more "real." I have always believed that hardship builds character. I think another A would be more open-minded and understanding of where I've come from and the adversity I have faced in my life. I'm starting to have a mindset that dating another a would be a real positive. No, I'm not rushing out to look for an A to date. If it happens in the future, which is very possible, I'm contemplating the ramifications of it. On the other hand, maybe there would be too much baggage between two A's. I guess it all depends on the specific people. Does anybody have any experience in this area?

[journeygal]

Hi Brent,

I don't have experience with this but I do have an opinion!

I think we basically attract someone who's more or less in the same place we are. So, while it sucks your school friend was already involved with someone, it may be a good thing that she's in recovery, as opposed to still using. I think the more we evolve and change, who we're comfortable with and attracted to changes as well. This, of course, is just a theory. I have no way of knowing for sure!

To me, recovery isn't just about staying clean and sober or keeping obsessive behaviors in check. It's also about making changes to who we are, so we can make better choices for ourselves concerning the people and things in our lives. It's also important to keep from being in denial about the people we're with. For example, I met someone recently, a coworker, who I'm very comfortable with. You know, someone you just click with. And for the first time, I was really concerned about this person. Why did I feel so comfortable? What subsconscious thing in them attracted me to them and vice versa? I still don't know, but I no longer trust my feelings regarding like at first sight...

We all have baggage and no one is perfect. All you can do is keep working on yourself and moving forward.

[woodtick]

JG,
Thank you and I agree.

[runningfree]

Brent,
I am not sure if you are going to see this post, but I know you move around the board quite a bit. I find your note about relationships pretty interesting. Some of it I take very personally based on my own situation and some I agree with you based on what mood I am in. You describe you ex-wife as someone very successful, yet "too needy". Wow, that pinpoints my situation to a tee! It seems as though there was a lot baggage in your first marriage. As you said and have described that you have your own issues, but your ex-wife had her own issues that she looked to you for reassurance. You may find someone that doesn't need that reassurance, but there are still going to be skeletons in the closet.
You are talking about meeting an "A" and it appears that this "type" would click with you if they were in recovery as are you. I don't disagree that this would be a nice match, but keep in mind that it seems that those that are recovering are like ex-smokers. They are very critical of the act and have a difficult time being around them. An ex-smoker is so much more bothered by smoke once they quit. A recovering "A" might be so much more aggravated by times when things are NOT going well. SOmetimes in order to recover the "A" has to block out everything and when that same thing comes by then it stirs up all the old feelings.
I speak from experience because I think my husband has plenty of baggage that he is not admiting to having and all this stuff that I am dealing with is forcing him to open up the box where it is stored and let it out.
My friend that I have had so much difficulty and she has many of the same issues as I, but at times she is much stronger than I and her strength just crumbles my self-worth and does not help our relationship even though we are suffering from the same things. She is just discovering her issues, but she is thinking that she is compassionate, but her recovery and way of dealing with things is crumbling me. We were very good friends until she hit a nerve in my recovery that blasted me back to square one.
I think that you are very compassionate, sweet, sensitive and caring. I was very surprised at your comment about your wife being too needy. I agree that she should not have bolted. My husband is in so much pain right now from my situation that If we did not have 2 kids he would be throwing in the towel. He has agreed that life is miserable and that this is VERY hard. We didn't have kids when this happened 15 years ago, but it seems much harder right now being that it is the second time. Be careful about thinking about a certain 'type' Just let it happen and trust your experiences and gut to keep it going.
I am sure we will talk!
--Sharon

[woodtick]

Hey Sharon,
Needy in this case means time spent with her and attention, so I guess from the gender communication thread I posted that could mean reassurance. There is a point when people (man or woman) have that need so often or when circumstances prevent their mate from tending to their needs it becomes unreasonable to expect it. Needy is the only word I could think of that would encompass the entire situation. I don't know if she was or not. I'm not sure which one of us was unreasonable. The only person I spent time with was her, the rest of my time was spent working on our property or going to school which was about 80% of my time. I was trying so hard to finish everything so we would both be happy but she couldn't wait. It's sad too b/c she weathered the worst of it then bailed. Shortly after we got married, we moved into this fixer-upper and it needed a LOT of work. I had no choice in the matter, we were committed. It got to a point where she so often expressed her displeasure with me for working to finish this place (called me a loser to boot) I started to resent her for it especially since she would continually remind me that it needed to get finished. Basically she would have rather hired a contractor to do it and make monthly payments for thirty years than for me to do it and have the whole thing paid for. The other part of her need was that she was looking to me as a a single source of happiness and fulfillment of her life . Those things come from within not from other people. That need is impossible to meet and could not be expected from anybody, at least that is what my therapist tells me. She tied the two needs together by thinking that she needed us to travel all the time and live the good life so-to-speak for her to be happy. If she would have waited we could have had it real good and if she would have pitched in it would have been done sooner. It was very sad. Now that we're divorced she is lonely and unhappy. She hasn't done any of those things she said she needed to be divorced from me to do. She out pounding the pavement now looking for another man to replace me. It's sad b/c I think she will be just as unhappy with anybody else eventually as she was with me.

I hope you are feeling better now that the big marathon is over. I know that was really hurting you. You can make new friends someday. You are a kind soul and people like to be around people like you. You'll have a new friend soon, hopefully someone that is more sensitive to the people around her.

BTW how is your new Doc? Isn't your appt this week?

[Lompocian]

Good Topic

I'm married to another person who is also in recovery.

Our using is what brought us together and over the course of 6 years, we weren't able to get clean together. Leaving him was the hardest thing I had to do.... but 2 addicts staying together was a recipe for disaster. We didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. But, my goodness, the way things turned out!

We both established our own foundations for recovery, eventually reconciled after about 4 months clean; realizing we might not make it together as a couple because we had to get to know eachother minus drugs and alcohol.

We're both coming up on our 5 year anniversaries and have been married for a little over 3 years now.

Don't let the fear of getting involved with another addict/alcoholic keep you from getting involved with one.... As long as they work and live a program of recovery! All relationships take work, and none are perfect; and I'd say one of the only problems being with another person in recovery is staying out of each other's programs LOL and trying to take each other's inventory.

But the best thing is we know FIRST THINGS FIRST, we both know recovery is our priority and we never stand in each other's way when it comes to that!

Best of Luck,

Carol

[shelly75]

i found that by being with a partner whose also in recovery (he has 13 years) my own recovery speed up becuase he would not let me fall back or slip in old behaviors he also was able to give me constructive critism that made me open my eyes and change. I have dated people who are alcoholic and they absolutely no understanding of my problem they just assumed that if I really wanted or had enough threats that I would stop. when I got into my current relanship we had a very honest talk covering what we expect of each other what issues we have we told each other our life stories and what we wanted wanted in our life (though my plan has since changed dramiticly) i personaly believe that helped us because in ways we did not waste our time or heart ache finding out later that we dont match