Trying To Get Closure

[ksos]

I've come to accept something which has been ripping me up inside for the last year. I know that JourneyGal may remember what had happened in my marriage as a result of my using drugs (Clean since June 2, 2003) as well as my SA activities, which were devastating. I belong to an SA/LA forum and I wrote a rather long post about where I'm at today. I think that I've taken my recovery very seriously, but there are costs. The following is a part of what I spent two hours writing this morning, amidst tears and sadness, but I had to put it where I will always know where it is:

My marriage has been toxic to my wife. Plain and simple. It wasn't just the two instances of my "acting out" in our marriage. It's been the entire package she received when she married me, as a young woman of 24. As she came from an abusive childhood in which her needs were never met, let alone acknowledged, where she was not protected, and where she never got the holding and, maybe, the love that she deserved, this whole dynamic was replicated in our marriage. I provided the same sort of toxicity for 16 years. I was emotionally vacant as I didn't know how to give her what she needed as I never received this myself. I ignored her need for protection and safety as I never received this myself, I chose to not include her in my life as I wasn't important enough for my parents who allowed another to injure me or to include me in their lives. I took and took and took and never reciprocated, as I chose not to or didn't know how to. And, for months, I wanted her to reclaim me as her husband. Looking at this now makes me feel as though I was living on Mars. Why on Earth would she want this again?

Those of us who struggle with addicition often end up with damaged relationships. My relationship was destroyed by SA and continual drug relapses. I own my behavior today and despite the very deep pain I feel, it is nothing compared to what she feels. I know that the ultimate gift I can give my wife is to let her go, if she chooses to.

We have been separated for 10 months, although living together in separate quarters. We are still friends, have a 12 year old daughter, and a home. I got quite sick in January of this year, which prevented me from working the requisite extra hours to afford a separate apartment. By the grace of her kindness, she allowed me to remain in the house and I've proved to her that I am no longer a danger to her or my daughter. But...

Up until a few days ago, I've been trying to convince her that I am a changed person, a person worthy of being granted a second chance, a person who wanted her to take me back as her husband. I now see where I was wrong in doing so.

No matter what the future holds, I think that those of us who are in relationships where one has been truly harmed by the other, need to closely examine that other person's experience. In my opinion, it is one way to heal thyself.

Bless You All

[woodtick]

Wow Ksos.

You are wiser than you realize my friend. I'm glad you were able to see this in yourself. I even see it in myself now. Have you been able to talk to her about it? Does she realize how much of a problem this was in your marriage? Whatever the future holds, be grateful for this revelation. Your wife may or may not want you back, either way you have grown so much from all of your experiences. I believe you will be a wonderful husband and even better than most others in the future. Experience speaks volumes. You have become a man of real integrity and wisdom. I believe this, you will too someday if you don't already.
You will never make the same mistakes again. Whoever is your mate in the future will be truly blessed. You are a good man Ksos, don't let your past trick you into thinking otherwise.

[journeygal]

(((((((Ksos))))))))

I am going to cut you a break. As a codependent wife, I know that Jack was as harmed by my actions as I was by his. I could have chosen to react to his addiction very differently. I could have left, I could have detached better, I could have made healthier choices for myself. But instead, I tried to control him, his addiction, and his recovery. My actions also brought much chaos to our marriage.

Addicts and codies are drawn to each other for a reason - both are equally sick. If not, do you think any normal person would willingly subject themselves to years of life with an active addict? Or would a normal person willingly stay with a controlling, raging codependent? Nope. In fact, they probably wouldn't even be attracted to each other.

But, I digress...

Ksos, I'm not putting down your wife, not by a long shot. I'm just saying, it takes two to tango. I do think it's way cool that you are acknowledging the harm that was done to her. You can never make up for the past. All you can do is keep making the next right decision and either she will see it for herself or she won't. But whatever happens, keep being good to yourself. You should be proud of how far you've come.

Hugs,
JG

[ksos]

Originally Posted by woodtick

Does she realize how much of a problem this was in your marriage? Whatever the future holds, be grateful for this revelation. Your wife may or may not want you back, either way you have grown so much from all of your experiences. I believe you will be a wonderful husband and even better than most others in the future. Experience speaks volumes. You have become a man of real integrity and wisdom. I believe this, you will too someday if you don't already.
You will never make the same mistakes again. Whoever is your mate in the future will be truly blessed. You are a good man Ksos, don't let your past trick you into thinking otherwise.

I think that what I wrote, Brent, was the culmination of 10 months of sincere work. I spoke to a person, actually a partner of an SA, who shed much insight into the real struggle I was having, which was this endless quest of mine to convince my wife that she should take me back. My wife, I believe, has told me that she has not been ready "to make any decisions about us" because that's the truth. And I think that, as the partner of a person who has hurt her with destructive behavior, she was ahead of me.

I'm grateful for the revelation, but at the same time, mourning the loss of an old behavior. Striving to reclaim something that cannot be reclaimed is no easy thing to concede. But this person who I spoke with, was a partner of someone like me. And, eventually their relationship died. And this person was freed from the chains. I only wish this for my spouse.

In terms of my wife and I discussing this, I spoke to her last night and expressed what I wrote. She listened to me and didn't say anything. She nodded her head, though. I think that I understand, now.

I suppose this post, like the longer version I put up in my other forum, serves as closure. I will always love my wife and I will always. I've felt things with her that I never felt with another. The gift that I now have is never having to subject her to my wants, anymore. The audition, as they say, is over.

I appreciate your kind words and support, Brent. I may need them more as time goes on

[woodtick]

Ok I understand now. Thank you for clarifying it for me. I'm glad you love her enough to be able to accept her decision to end the marriage if she does. That is what I'm seeing. That in itself is very respectful to her.
Do you think the one year mark of your separation is a time frame that she is considering as a decision deadline? Didn't you tell me before that in NY a one year separation qualifies as a divorce or something to that effect?

[ksos]

Originally Posted by woodtick

Ok I understand now. Thank you for clarifying it for me. I'm glad you love her enough to be able to accept her decision to end the marriage if she does. That is what I'm seeing. That in itself is very respectful to her.
Do you think the one year mark of your separation is a time frame that she is considering as a decision deadline? Didn't you tell me before that in NY a one year separation qualifies as a divorce or something to that effect?

Good memory! And here is the guy complaining that he is forgetting things

You did get what I was saying in what I wrote, Brent. I love her enough to completely accept her decisions, whatever they are.

Both of us have abandoned legal issues for now, based on my health conditions and the very real financial concerns regarding owning a home, my daughter being cared for, as the two of us work long days--I'm just on vacation, now. I do not think that divorce, in the legal sense, is where we are at. One year of legal separation does qualify a couple to divorce, though.

I think what we are doing right now is to ensure that our daughter has both parents around. We are civil to each other--actually, we are quite friendly, and the environment is not toxic to our child. If it were, obviously, we would have to take the original route, which was why I was working 7 days a week, prior to my hospitalization for the pancreatitis.

The change, for me, is that I don't view myself as the self-centered addict anymore. What I posted was, hopefully, something that others who are having immense difficulty in their relationships, can learn from.

My wife is a good person. She isn't out to screw me. she has vested enough trust in me to allow me to remain here. In retrospection of what I've done, this is a blessing.

For myself, I don't have a time-frame. I cannot speak for her. We do not talk about reconciliation or divorce right now. We live for the day and do the best we can. The tough part is that there is no foreseeable future--the element which happily married couples do have, in most cases. There are no "plans." There is limbo. And the two of us cannot make that go away at this time.

[ksos]

I need to qualify something. I am an addict and a very self-centered one, at that. I'm in recovery from that--which is what I intended to say.

[woodtick]

That part was a bit more subtle. If it is any consolation, I believe I was guilty of a similar neglect to my wife. I spent my time almost entirely on things I wanted to accomplish and kept justifying it to myself by saying it was for "us." I wouldn't have seen this in myself if you hadn't posted this thread. I guess she had a reason to leave, I just wish she hadn't done it in such an unsavory manner.

How is your health by the way? I haven't heard you discuss it lately. Has your pain subsided? The last I remember reading about it, you were having success with the new pharmacological treatment.

[chess]

Originally Posted by journeygal

(((((((Ksos))))))))

Addicts and codies are drawn to each other for a reason - both are equally sick. If not, do you think any normal person would willingly subject themselves to years of life with an active addict? Or would a normal person willingly stay with a controlling, raging codependent? Nope. In fact, they probably wouldn't even be attracted to each other.
Hugs,
JG

Thanks for that comment Journeygal and how true that is. I started laughing when I read that. I used to be real sick and these days I tried getting back to my sick ways but found I could not do it and walked out on my A. Good on me