Slips in recovery and parenting

[2stop]

One of my biggest motivators for working reecovery is my two children, who I love more than my own life, more than anything, anywhere. They ARe my world and my life. And with my hubby gone all week, sometimes 2 weeks at atime...I get the main parenting role. Which is fine..except I feel most the time I have failed. Not so much as failed miserably..but nevertheless messed up. They make all A's and B's at school, teacher says they are a joy...no behavioural problems at all. But still I have puit them under stress and worry that no child should ever have too...and when I slip and take pain pills, which I only do now for severe pain, I still feel so guilty. Every now and then I think I am just making too much of it..then I start thinking the complete oposite..I have been horrible as aparent. The guilt..it drives me insane.I am so torn right now with treating chronic pain issues and still working my recovery. I am just in tears sometimes because I feel I am all give out and I will mess up and die accidently from using, or I will get so sick I cannot function at all. I HAVE to do better for my kids...no matter the pain, no matter the agoraphobia, no matter the fear..I HAVE TO! But I spend so much time worrying and fretting...How do I stop this??? Being a good parent is something I cannot screw up. It's bad enough to screw myself up..I can't damage their opportunities in life. Oh it is so scary being a parent. the thing is I was never scared about it til a few years ago. was always confident. Now I feel so vulnerable and ..alone. Husband gone all weeek, too scared to have f2f friends after the last one, fighting agoraphobia...I get these fears I will just lose it one day or be too sick to care for them..and I just scream inside with fear. What's wrong with me?? Am I crazy? Is it normal to be this scared as a parent?

[Dan]

I can remember lying in my bed the first night in the psychiatric ward last year. Racked with remorse about having been such a bad father for my young children. Oh, I had been there from day one, nurturing my newborn babies, feeding, playtime, diapers, bathtime,rocking, everything. All the while sinking deeper and deeper in the pit. My babies grew up and so did my dependance on chemicals and alcohol. I posted about dropping my daughter on the floor resulting in a slight hearing loss last week. And as I lay on the bed that first night away from them, I discovered the true meaning of the word grief. I so ached in my gut for them. What had I done to these innocent children? My path took me to a residential treatment centre and finally, back home. It will take me a lifetime to understand what I did and how I may have influenced their lives. But I have been granted a second chance to parent these beautiful babies of mine. And that thought alone helps silence the ugly ghost of guilt. It is hard indeed to be a parent as you say. And it's only going to get tougher I imagine. I can hear their breath right now as they sleep, safe and snug. And I am sober again today. I will sleep too, and wake up tomorrow praying to again be a good dad, just for today. I wish you strenght and serenity, that you may know in your heart, just what a good job you are doing with your children.

DD

[journeygal]

(((((((((Tammie)))))))))

One day at a time. You can't change the past, but you can be grateful for each day that you have with your kids. Each day is a new opportunity to be the best mom you can be. Guilt keeps us from really being there.

Every morning, pray for strength and guidance for your kids and in your recovery and every night, thank God for another day.

Hugs,
JG

[weeblow]

God bless Tammie,
I don't know about chronic pain, but I recently had surgery. I told my dr. that I am a recovering alcoholic and asked her if I could do this without narcotics. She responded "absoultly not" . I was terrified that taking the prescibed narcotics would "wake up my monster" and I would go back to using. I shared about it in meetings, talked to my sponcor about it and my daughter stayed with me the first week and hid the pain pills from me and only gave them to me when I needed them. She is such a blessing.

The Basic Text speaks about taking prescibed meds as ordered. It suggests that you stay in touch with other recovering addicts. You have nothing to be ashamed of, the alternative is severe pain if you don't take your meds and being in severe pain can rob your children of their mother.

As far as being a good mom I used the entire time my children were young and used with them when they were teenagers. Working the steps with my sponcor has helped me make amends to them, which will probably take a life time, but my shame and guilt are extemely diminished. We have a wonderful relationship and they are both clean today!!!

My prayers are with you,
Linda

[2stop]

Thank you, all of you for your wonderful replies.
Some days all I can think about is I should have done better....
I have made too many mistakes.....
I can't do this...
on and on..I have to break the cycle of self defeating and self sabotaging thoughts.
I am just freaked out and scared right now..It will pass....it has too.
Linda your story really helped me..thanks....your's too Dan, thank you so much for sharing with me..and JG...I think you are right..yesterday is done and gone..I can look to today's opportunities, or bury myself in the burdens of yesterday. I have to focus my energies..they get sooo scattered somedays it feels like I cannot control it...but I know It is possible..others have made it..so can I.

Thanks again. (((hugs)))

[bikewench]

2stop...

.. fighting irrational fears.....

I developed a fear of being in a car when my daughter was younger. It pretty much stopped me in my tracks for a couple of years. For some reason... I felt that something was going to happen to me if I went on the highway...

Being a passenger was bad... but even me driving gave me anxiety attacks.

I felt so responsibe for the life of my daughter...

2 Stop... I know about the guilt... and the fear.. and the insecurities...
It was hell.

But I had the program... and I just knew that as long as I worked it as hard as I could... I'd at least be inching my way toward health for myself and my kid... rather than in the other direction.

She's 18 now. And a good person.

So... you just hang in there okay? We're all doing this the best we can.... and I think that with liberal doses of love like your giving to your babies.... things will work out to their best.

Peace girl.

[2stop]

Your post has helped me not feel so alone. And I also have not been able to drive for a few years, and even riding in acar..I about freak out. Do you drive now? Is it any better? Alot of my guilt is from this also..wanting to be able to take my kids around in the car,,no be so stuck and dependent. I miss driving so much. I am agitated inside just thinking about not being able to. I know we can only do our bets..I just don't think my best is good enough. I am sure you understand this feeling..I will keep trying and working at my recovery..lately though i really don't see a diference if i am sober or not..just being sober I cannot numb the pain.I miss numbing the pain.I will not lie..I miss it so much..problem is I forget how bad it got and all the pain that was ADDED from drugs. Well, thanks so much. Your post has helped me. *hugs*

[bikewench]

2stop...

I've been okay with the road thing since she was around 12...
That was when I had to do A LOT of work around letting go around her...

I always shared my fears with her though... and asked her to help me keep a balanced approach to parenting. I believe this kept her from taking on alot of my sh*t and it kept the communication doors wide open.

I STILL want to use... hence my relapse... but I've always known that my DAILY reprieve from my insanity is based on how fit my spiritual condition is....and it's always progress... not perfection... ; )

I feel your love for your babies 2stop... and I know your concern for their wellbeing will overcome.

With all that your faced with... I think your doing a hell of a job... ; )

[ksos]

Tammie...

You beat yourself up more than anyone else can and now is not the time to do this. Frankly, if you are in chronic pain, cannot leave the house, and having the immense difficulties which you are, it cannot help but make things worse in terms of how you feel about your role as a mom. Remember, our kids are far stronger than we give them credit for. I really can relate to this thread as I too, feel so much guilt over spending so much money on Hydrocodone (my prescription coverage was $2000.00 per year and I had exhausted that in three months) that I couldn't even afford the $$$ for a medical examination which my kid needed when she was 4.

Like Dan, I was psychiatrically hospitalized. Like you, I have had my relapses. We are not perfect but you try very hard from what I have seen throughout the months I've been here. You care about your kids. You do pretty darn good if you really think about it, right?

I know now I have to be on task with my life in order that I can be good for others. That's the important thing. Take better care of yourself, okay?