My girlfriend left me as did all my hopes and dreams it feels like

[tearsbehindme]

I'm 20 years old. I met my girlfriend who was 18 and we dated for four months. They were without exaggeration the happiest four months of my life. I know towards the end I started changing. I had been put on Xanax for anxiety and was taking it regularly and had stopped abusing it but was taking it as prescribed when I was with her. I stopped taking it. She was over the moon about my sobriety. We were planning on getting married. She made me a believer in Christ. We were each other's first. But then I started to change. My worries caught up with me. My neuroses. My anxiety. Every conversation turned into her reassuring me she wouldn't leave me or cheat on me. Assuring me that she actually did want me. We got into a fight one Tuesday and I couldn't deal with it. I took as much Xanax as I could and called the ambulance a little while later. They stabilized me but she was convinced it was her fault. She said she couldn't trust a thing I did anymore. She asked me to please get better on my own without leaning on her. I forced her into giving me another chance. Two days later I was late, I blew up my mom's car engine, the place we were supposed to go to was closed, I ran out of gas in my own car, and she was late to her aunt's house. She wanted to break up again because she felt like I needed to recover on my own and be able to stand on my own two feet before I could be ready for a relationship. I guilted her into going on a break not a break up. The next day was her Prom. She told me that morning, furiously, she didn't want me there. I insisted. I acted depressed and hurt. She said she would consider not breaking up but I had to cheer up. I couldn't I argued with her. She said I didn't get to make her cry at her Prom. I left her there dateless. the next day she declared herself single. I called her. She said that I just wasn't ready for a relationship. She asked for space. Asked for time to miss me. Said she didn't know what the future held but that I needed to let her come to conclusions on her own. I told her I'd give her three weeks. She said okay. I gave her 3 days. She was not happy. She heard me out but said we were still over and that I was acting obsessive. She asked me to please not call or text her and that I was the drama in her life. She said she might contact me in a month or so but that she just wanted to try and be friends. She was really upset. I really screwed it up. I haven't talked to her since. She hasn't tried to contact me except for liking something I put on Facebook. On our supposed anniversary she put all these things up on her blog like I miss you and whats' another night all alone and I like to think that those are about me but a week later things like it's better to have loved and lost than to live with a total psycho I'm sure were also about me. I've spent the last 3 weeks trying to get clean. I haven't taken any Xanax but I did get drunk and by the pity of the officer didn't get arrested for DUI underage. I miss her terribly. I'm in an incredible amount of pain. I know she did love me at one point and admitted to caring about me, but I worry she's moved on. Even our last conversation I said I wanted closure because she kept saying she didn't know what would happen in the future with us and she again said she didn't know. So I suppose there's still some hope? I've grown extremely depressed. All I do all day when I'm not working, which is most of the time, is lie around feeling sorry for myself or analyze what happened to death. I can't bring myself to shower or shave, I've gained weight, my clothes are in tatters, I'm starting fights with everyone. I just don't know if I get better if I can actually get her back. Will I get her back if I change and become fully sober and recovered and get my life back? I know this is long but someone please help

[suki44883]

No one can answer the question of whether or not you will get her back. Sobriety needs to be something you want for yourself, not in order to get someone back.

Most of us lost things and people we loved while in active addiction. I'm not sure you are actually an addict, but you used pills to mask feelings and deal with situations. I believe your friend is right in that you aren't ready for a relationship. You have to value yourself before you can be a partner in a relationship.

I hope you will decide that sobriety is something you need for yourself and get some help. Your life will be immeasurably better when you aren't relying on drugs to deal with life.