Screening for mates?

[Trooth]

I have a question, I guess it is more of a search for input.

I am starting to explore relationships again. I have always avoided going out with women who have children. I found that it makes things a bit more complicated, and up until now I haven't had much of a desire for a family to start with, so I know that wouldn't have been fair at that point in my life to string along a loving mother.

Well I had decided that I wanted to keep the same preferneces, and look for the ideal situation. I have found that most women I meet have a child all ready. I met a woman who I immediately clicked with. She has a very young baby (less than 4 months old). I like kids. I like her. I don't want to miss out on what may be a very meaningful relationship.

Should I stick to my ideals, and maybe pass up the right woman for me because the situation isn't right. Or am I realizing that the perfect situation doesn't exist finally, and that I should stop screening applicants, and start exploring the person and not the situaiton.

At least with her I am going to explore the relationship. I have all ready made that decision. But for the future, I think I need to really question myself on this. I have found that the women with children are generally more caring, more mature, and tend to appreciate me more (I suffer from nice, caring guy syndrome)...

[journeygal]

Hi Trooth,

When I started dating again, I had a list too. I swore I wouldn't date a guy who had been divorced, had kids, or was more than 5 years older than me. Well, my husband was 3 for 3! :lol What I should have had on the list was not dating someone with an active substance abuse problem. But in spite of those issues and even though it's been rough dealing with his teenage daughter, my husband is a very loving man and we have a good relationship.

As you said, there is no ideal situation. Some choices are better than others, but no relationship is perfect. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and the right person will come along, baggage and all!

Hugs,
JG

[Trooth]

Thanks for your reply Journey. My list looked a lot like yours except the age (I prefer younger, or same age, not much older at all). I don't want anyone with an active substance abuse problem. I wouldn't have tolerated it before I went through my own problems, and that was the reason why I wouldn't date while I was active in my own abuse. That is pretty much concrete with me.

It just dawned on me a couple of days ago that I was limiting the field dramatically.

[steve4432]

Trooth, man to man this may be ideal the best of both worlds the baby wont remember you if you walk but let me explain to you that that mommy has just been through a ton of bull pucky to say the least and she is not looking for a date she is looking for a dad for her baby that will always be there so if you dont have these intentions run away from her and let her have a life.
If you are in any way selfish in this your not the one for her you have to understand that the child always comes first thats what men do, little boys are worried about whats in there pants.
So with that I will allow you to research your motives and organize a plan ..............Steve

[phoenix]

Some things to look at.With a baby that young,where is this woman at emotionally? Is the baby's father part of the picture,or is he likely to be?Is she ready to move on? Does she need more time to recover from her past relationship?Bear in mind that rebound is a powerful thing.People tend to be vulnerable following a breakup.

What is she looking for now...a friend,a lover,a father figure...all three?(that might be good)

When my son was that young all of my emotions were wrapped up in him.I was with his dad,but if I had not been, then I doubt I would have had much emotional energy to devote to a new relationship.I would probably not have been ready.

It might be good to develop the relationship very slowly,with a focus on building a friendship.Of course...that is usually a good idea

phoenix

[Trooth]

A lot of those questions have yet to be answered. At this point is just chatting, I told her I would like to take her out when she gets a chance out of her schedule. She also knows that I am going to be living with my parents for 6 months, and that I want to take things very slowly. She doesn't quite know that I had a set of preferences to start with (I thought that would be rude and pretentious to be talking about).

But when we first started talking I felt a connection, she did too, we talked for a long time. I got a bit worked up, and came back to reality, I just hadn't made the connection with someone in a long time. She isn't concerned about money, and I don't think that she is desperate to find a man at all. Pretty level headed.

So I am taking things day by day. I have concerns about everything you talked about, that is why I have avoided such situations to start with. At the least I have found a friend, and I am not sure that I will be able to overcome the situational aspect myself. I just don't want to kick myself for missing out on finding the person I am looking for because the situation wasn't my ideal.

Thanks for the input Phoenix, I take these things very seriously, I don't really pursue dating that much, I am very selective, and I can get very obsessive when I go all out. So I am approaching this slowly and with caution. I just have had thoughts running in my head about how the situation effects things, and even thought about backing out because of them. I just don't find that connection too often.

[Pony]

So when you say I should be in it for her first I am a bit perplexed. Am I not wrong in thinking that her child will always come first for her? I know my child would be first in my life, I don't know how it would be over a spouse though. Is the relationship between the mother or father, and significant other the priority, and should I come to expect the same if the relationship ever went that far?
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I brought this over from your reply on the other post.


Both are equally important and yes, the child takes priority. Let me explain. She has an obligation to her child in the way that it's needs ....the physical, mental, emotional...... are all her responsibility to see it that they are taken care of in most healthiest way she can. Any man that she becomes intimately involved with on a long term relationship has to be willing to not only accept and embrace that obligation with her, but also truely feel love, respect and that connection, you talk about, about her as well. She is a package deal....... am I making sense?

You see......eventually the child grows up, and even if you were to be in this relationship with her and have a child with her, it will grow up as well.......... when they grow up and move on with their own lives (although they are still apart of your lives, they have their own to live) it leaves just the two of you ... together.... alone in a relationship. If the both of you haven't kept up a caring intimate, well connected relationship still full of that respect and love then you will be lost with each other.
Point two: Even while raising a child and putting all priorities into it's needs in the present and insuring it's future.....if your not getting along with the mom.....the child knows and senses it. It does effect the child and his learning and growing.

So you see, both are as equally important to consider. If your not happy...and the mom isn't happy because of the problems in the relationship that are not reconcilable, it does effect the child as it grows up! And children become attached to the people in their lives....although a baby won't feel the effects of your just testing the waters at this point.....you have time to give it a try!!!

I hope this has made some sort of sense and has help in some way! Oh by the way I am the mom of three step-daughters (divorced the dad, but kept them....) and one biological daughter with the currant b/f.......have some experience in this area!

[Trooth]

Thanks Pony. That makes a lot of sense. I never really though of the issues before, I never dated a woman that had a child. It is a bit new to me. I am taking things a lot slower than I was to start with.