Non-Alcoholic Dating Someone in AA, any advice?

[soitgoes13]

Hello Everyone. I am writing in this forum because I started dating a guy a few months ago and things were going really well then he started to pull away. I questioned him on this and he ultimately came clean with the fact that he is currently in AA and working on his 12 steps and has been discouraged by his sponsor to date. I knew going into it that he used to drink and smoke and no longer does, this was one of the things that I like about him because I don't do drugs and have not had a drink in about 5 months- I am not an alcoholic I just really do not enjoy drinking and I feel much healthier without it so I often cut it out of my diet completely.

I understand that his recovery is the most important thing here, and I've made it clear to him that I fully support him and really respect what he's doing. He is apparently on his 4th/5th steps right now and somewhere around 6-8 months sober. From what I've heard before from other friends in programs and as my guy's sponsor said, people in AA are not supposed to date for at least the first year. He says he's been accused of "void filling" and doesn't want it to be like that with me. He has also told me that him entering the program is the reason he broke up with his ex (I believe they dated for about 2 years).

He's told me that he basically wants to cool it on the dating but still keep me in his life. We are supposed to hang out next weekend and knowing this now I'm not quite sure how to act. This is going to be really difficult for both of us I'm sure- once you've taken a relationship to a romantic level it's often hard to go back to being just friends. Selfishly I really want to continue dating him but I also really want him to be successful in his program. I know that if we really are going to have a chance in the future he needs to focus on his recovery... should I continue to stick around? Should I wait it out expecting to date once he's got a year under his belt? I know this is a lifetime issue, not just until he's done with the 12, so what can I do to help and make him see that I'm willing to stick it out for him?

[Thumper]

Well I would let him to focus on recovery and look you up after a year. If he is still working his recovery after a year, and you are both still interested in one another, then you'll begin your relationship in a much better place. If he isn't in recovery, then you dodged a bullet

You can go about making your life all you want it to be and perhaps go to some al-anon meetings during that time.

The Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum gets a lot more action if you'd like to venture over there. They have a lot of stickies at the top of that forum that I found really helpful.

[langkah]

He sounds serious about his recovery which is a good thing for you, and you sound emotionally healthy which is a good thing for him.

Hope the two of you can make it work.

[LOVINGRA]

The idea that his sponsor would "discourage" him from dating is sort of why AA gets a bad rep. That is old school thinking. First, a sponsor is only some other AA member who has been in recovery a certain length of time. There is no training, licensing, or credentialing for this. Personally, I think the sponsor is overstepping his bounds, but there is nothing you can do or say about it -- this was your friend's decision (and he may be a weak personality). The only AA non-dating rule I know is the 13th step -- you are not supposed to get into a relationship with another alcoholic from your group during the first year.

Also -- it is not a good idea to maintain friendships that take you into drinking/tempting situations. My BF is in recovery -- we dated for a year before I knew about his history -- then he was transferred away and starting drinking again. He is back, and I am the main reason he went through rehab again. I told him I would not continue in the relationship if he cannot do it what it takes to 100% abstain. Yes -- it's hard to compete with the daily duties of AA attendance, but it's no different than dating anyone else with physical limitations. I love him, and AA comes first before me. But heck, his sponsor would never tell him what to do with his personal life --he just guides him through the steps. In fact, the sponsor invited us to a party at his house. I think your BF is just young and a little unsure right now. I would advise you to step away and lead your own life again. If it's meant to be, he will find you. My favorite saying is never pursue a distancer.

[mm417]

Wow! I just read what I am currently living. Soitgoes, we have alot in common. It is so hard to know what to do in this situation. My bf is sober 6 mos and I have heard the same exact things from him that you've heard from yours. Some days I want to scream & just try to forget him.....so much easier said than done.

[tomsteve]

"The idea that his sponsor would "discourage" him from dating is sort of why AA gets a bad rep. That is old school thinking."

welp, IMO, its not old school and isnt even suggested in the porgram lined out in the BB. we alcoholics dont know how to have relationships with ourselves let alone with someone else. most of were good, though, at taking hostages.
there is a reason why its suggested to get a plant, after a year, get a pet. after the end of 2 years, if the plant and pet are healthy, then the person in recovery has learned how to love and nurture something and can start to think about dating.
sponsors that have worked the steps, practice the principles, and are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually sober have a great deal of knowledge of what doesnt work so it is wise to take their suggestions.

[FlyerFan]

I was told that if you are in a relationship going into recovery, try to stay in it, and if you are not in one, try not to get into one for the first year. but things do happen. All i can suggest is just tread carefully, and that recovery MUST come first before the relationship itself.

[Gottalife]

A couple of thoughts. Young fellas willing to follow their sponsor's advice will have a much better chance at a good recovery than those who want to do it the hard way. So these fellas might be worth waiting for.

The prescription about relationships, as Tomsteve says, is not part of the AA program. In my area it came from a treatment program which a majority of our local members went to. That was "no emotional involvement for two years".

Luckily for me my sponsor got sober in AA and not through that treatment program. While he always gave wise counsel, he never told me what to do or what to think, especially in this area. His wisdom and restraint, I later realised, was the reason I was never put in a position where I felt I could not go to him if things went wrong, which they sometimes did. He let me make my mistakes and then helped me to learn from them, a bit like a father helping his son through adolescence.

The big disaster, or learning experience for me was being 13th stepped in early sobriety. That was crazy and full of tensions. After that I stayed clear of AA women in the romantic sense, and have always dated non-alcoholics, marrying one at 7 years sobriety. I went out with some nice ladies and any one of them was quite capable of putting me in my place if I needed it.