Need help.

[8yearsclean]

Hello, I have been clean and sober just about 8 years and have been in a relationship with a beatiful woman for 5 years. During the last 5 years, I am just learning, I have made her pretty unhappy at more than one point. Being obsessive, controlling, looking out for myself, etc. I have no problem admitting it. It is just now, she is telling me that she has been unhappy, we are not broken up, and I will do anything to not lose her. I feel awful and everything she has brought to my attention is completely true. She is not an addict nor an alcohlic. I told her when we dated I didn't want a girl who drank, so she was fine with it, but as time went on, and her being 30, not being able to have a drink with her friends from time to time was becoming burdensome.

Now, I am very upset and trying to fight in order make this right. I just am not good at explaining things. I need information on how the mind of an addict works. I am very OCD, never was (that I can remeber) when I Was using. So, I know I am wired differently. She has no exerience with an addict and thinks all of my behaviors are just something I can stop. Not that easy.

I work in a behavioral healthcare center in IT, and they offer free counceling to employees, I want to go with her but am nervous since I know the people who will be providing the service, and we cannot afford it otherwise.

So, is there any good info on how addicts think differently, or how I could explain that I do not purposely try to be controlling, want things my way, and obsess over things? Any help would be great. She is the love of my life, we have been togther over 5 years and I cannot let this go without fixing myself and my thoughts.

[ODAT63]

Why don't you go alone first and after a couple of sessions maybe at their advise go with her? just a thought.

[totfit]

I don't think that our chemical addictions have anything to do with how we act later. We are just humans and all have our idiosyncrasies. You may very well have some other issues or not and counseling will never hurt, but I think all in general is just part of the human condition.

[onlythetruth]

People who have never had a problem with addiction often have difficulties with relationships. There is no shame in that and I hope you will take advantage of the counseling that is available to you.

Also, I strongly urge you not to try to explain your current behavior as being due to a past addiction.

[8yearsclean]

Originally Posted by totfit

I don't think that our chemical addictions have anything to do with how we act later. We are just humans and all have our idiosyncrasies. You may very well have some other issues or not and counseling will never hurt, but I think all in general is just part of the human condition.

Interesting, I don't know, I have heard time and time again at meetings that, the way we act now is mostly because of past addictions. That the chemical, physical addiction may not be present, but the behaviors and thinking patterns are still there. Just like prior to using, there are behaviors that are indicators of addictive personalities. I am not an expert, but this is just what I have heard, and been in quite a few rehabs and always remember them saying that. And, if I speak at a meeting, people are always like "yep you're an addict!"

[onlythetruth]

8years,

I realize you probably do hear that at 12 step meetings and 12 step based rehabs, but repeated studies have shown that there is really no such thing as an "addictive personality". People with all sorts of different personalities can have addictions.

In any event, I can tell you from experience that trying to tell someone, years after you've stopped an addiction, that you can't help how you are currently behaving because you are "an addict" is likely to sound very much like an excuse.

[8yearsclean]

Originally Posted by onlythetruth

8years,

I realize you probably do hear that at 12 step meetings and 12 step based rehabs, but repeated studies have shown that there is really no such thing as an "addictive personality". People with all sorts of different personalities can have addictions.

In any event, I can tell you from experience that trying to tell someone, years after you've stopped an addiction, that you can't help how you are currently behaving because you are "an addict" is likely to sound very much like an excuse.

Well, I feel as if I still have all of the traits, just minus the drugs. I never really worked the steps, stopped going to meetings years ago, and even though I have been drug and alcohol free for nearly 8 years, I am starting to feel as if I may be a "dry drunk" and that is rubbing off and making my relationship suffer.

[onlythetruth]

Originally Posted by 8yearsclean

Well, I feel as if I still have all of the traits, just minus the drugs. I never really worked the steps, stopped going to meetings years ago, and even though I have been drug and alcohol free for nearly 8 years, I am starting to feel as if I may be a "dry drunk" and that is rubbing off and making my relationship suffer.

Well, it's certainly true that when drinking is someone's sole coping mechanism, it's often necessary, after quitting, to learn better, healthier, coping mechanisms. If you haven't done so, then you may still have some work to do along those lines. And, absolutely, if you haven't done that then some of your negative behaviors may be damaging your relationship.

But--and I'm sorry if I seem preachy here--what I'm troubled by is that you seem to want to tell your girlfriend that your past addiction means that you can't help your current behavior. And I would not be surprised if that does not go over too well with her. I suspect you would have better luck if you explain that you still need to work on some coping and relationship skills, and that you are willing, ready and able to do so. (Then do it, of course!)

[TandyM56]

Hi. I signed up on this site because my husband is a functioning alcoholic and has been for quite some time, though he was not always this way. My marriage is fallilng apart. We have a 14-year-old son, and I have stayed because (1) I love my husband, (2) my son has refused to live with mom. My husband has just left me so devastated for so long that I am empty inside. He is nice when he drinks, but he has always been a loner, so he no longer talks to me or has anything to do with me unless absolutely necessary. I am telling you this to say, you can save this. Start paying attention to her feelings. The hurt will heal for her when you show her every single day that you value her and are willing to actually put the work in each and every day to make her feel special to you. I know that is all it would take for me. Good luck. I am so sorry you are having this issue. I congratulate you on 8 years sober. My father was an alcoholic. I know how hard it is to do the right thing. You have already shown you are strong by getting sober. Now, if she is worth it to you, first tell her how sorry you are and that each day you will put one foot in front of the other to prove to her that you can be a better partner.