Relationship with a Female Recovering Alcoholic - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

soberreality · 01-27-2012, 01:44 AM

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for several months. She is a recovering alcoholic of 12 years. She has stayed sober, and has been on her own for the past few years. She has had two relationships in that time, and I am the third. We have a history that goes back to the days when she was an alcoholic, but had not been in contact with one another for the better part of her recovery.
Our love for one another is not in question. What is are some things she has been saying that I would like help understanding.
First - she hasn't been active in meetings for years (sporadic at best) and in the few months we have been together she has said repeatedly that she needs to get back to meetings. I agree she needs to go, but have not interjected; letting her move on this on her own.
I do not have a knowledge of AA, Alanon etc... except that they are programs designed to provide a path to recovery and a way of life for those recovering. My thinking might not even be correct on that.
What I would like help with is to get to understand "Her World" as she knows it. I expressed to her that in order for me to grow and for us to grow I need to know her terminology, so that I am not an "Alien" in her eyes.
Are there resources out there? Where do I start? Are there support groups for people to attend to assist me in understanding what a relationship is like for a person dating an Alcoholic?
She has said she needs to care of her first, and rightfully so as should I. But balancing that within a relationship is no easy task.
I guess what I am saying is that I need help and am looking for resources that I am sure are in place to assist a person dating a recovering alcoholic.

soberreality · 01-27-2012, 12:49 PM

I see that almost 60 people have looked at my thread, I would really appreciate some guidance, and will graciously accept any being offered.

Surlyredhead · 01-27-2012, 04:12 PM

I wish I could give you the answers you are looking for, however, I am the one in recovery. I have 17 years sober, and I have not been to a meeting for years. Every now and then, I start think the same way as your girlfriend....that I really should go to a meeting. It has nothing to do with wanting to drink. I suppose I start thinking I wouldn't mind being around people who are like me for a little while. It also has nothing to do with NOT wanting to be around the people who are in my life.

I think you are awesome for supporting your girlfriend!!! I wouldn't worry about looking Alien in her eyes, fact is, you are just a little different.....but who ISN'T different from the person they are in a relationship with. My suggestion would be to talk to her. Ask her if she wants you to be active in her recovery or should you just be there in case she wants to talk about it. Ask if she wants you to go to an open meeting together, or to listen to a speaker at an open talk. Tell her you respect the fact that recovery is a personal thing, but you are there for here if she ever needs you.

Also, it kind of makes me uncomfortable when people "baby" me, treat me with kidd gloves like I might fall off the wagon at any time. It makes me self concious a little...like if they are talking about going out for drinks..look at me and say "opps, sorry, I forgot" I can handle conversation. Try not to make her feel different...you should treat her like you would anyone else...trust me, if all you focus on is HER recovery, you will drive her insane! She is your friend, your girlfriend, a woman....she just doesn't drink.

Remeber, you are NOT dating the recovery, you are dating a great person. Don't make more of it than necessary. If she had 6 months it would be different..but that is not the case...relax and enjoy the time together. I don't know if this helps at all......good luck.

Cathy

soberreality · 01-30-2012, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Surlyredhead

I wish I could give you the answers you are looking for, however, I am the one in recovery. I have 17 years sober, and I have not been to a meeting for years. Every now and then, I start think the same way as your girlfriend....that I really should go to a meeting. It has nothing to do with wanting to drink. I suppose I start thinking I wouldn't mind being around people who are like me for a little while. It also has nothing to do with NOT wanting to be around the people who are in my life.

I think you are awesome for supporting your girlfriend!!! I wouldn't worry about looking Alien in her eyes, fact is, you are just a little different.....but who ISN'T different from the person they are in a relationship with. My suggestion would be to talk to her. Ask her if she wants you to be active in her recovery or should you just be there in case she wants to talk about it. Ask if she wants you to go to an open meeting together, or to listen to a speaker at an open talk. Tell her you respect the fact that recovery is a personal thing, but you are there for here if she ever needs you.

Also, it kind of makes me uncomfortable when people "baby" me, treat me with kidd gloves like I might fall off the wagon at any time. It makes me self concious a little...like if they are talking about going out for drinks..look at me and say "opps, sorry, I forgot" I can handle conversation. Try not to make her feel different...you should treat her like you would anyone else...trust me, if all you focus on is HER recovery, you will drive her insane! She is your friend, your girlfriend, a woman....she just doesn't drink.

Remeber, you are NOT dating the recovery, you are dating a great person. Don't make more of it than necessary. If she had 6 months it would be different..but that is not the case...relax and enjoy the time together. I don't know if this helps at all......good luck.

Cathy

Attended my first Al-Anon meeting. I will go back again and am thankful for the opportunity to meet in a group setting. I want to thank you for your kinds words, they mean a great deal to me. I have tried to maintain the position of treating her normal like how we were in the relationship before it all went sour. She is the one pulling back, way back in fact. I am not pressuring her, she has enough demands on her life. I have shifted my attention to me as she has shifted hers to her. The problem I am experiencing though is the coldness in this. the word love has escaped her vocabulary, the words hugs and kisses gone from the text messages; as though she has defense mechanisms in place. I honestly think she knows the direction she wants to pursue and it is not with me. We went down this road 2 1/2 weeks ago and she ended the relationship only to reverse that decision the following day. the part I am working on me is the YoYo affect. It is slowly killing me inside, stripping me of what I have known for 7 months and that separation is unbearable. All I can do is live for today. Whatever the outcome I will be happy with me and focus on what I have to do in life to live each day as it comes.

soberreality · 02-02-2012, 02:35 AM

The most difficult thing to do in life is to let go. I know it is best, but I am torn to pieces, destroyed, alone and without purpose.

We talked yesterday, I love her so much that to stay in a relationship would have destroyed her well being. I could not do that to myself nor to her.

I am new to Al Anon and I know how much emphasis is placed on ME. She is in AA and likewise the emphasis on ME, take inventory.

At the end of the day there was no way to reconcile how we both take care of ourselves and try to forge a relationship.

I am destroyed and feel my heart has been ripped from me, there is nothing left inside me that is worth pursuing.

I wish her well, I will always love her

soberreality · 02-03-2012, 09:00 AM

I have attended two Al Anon meetings

I will say this, I have let go and let God. I have a strong theologian background and can assure you that this saying is not unfamiliar to me. I will attest that putting into action those words is far more difficult that reciting them.

Doing so, I trust that I am powerless and have to look to God to do his work in me and in her. I can't do it, I will certainly mess it up if I try. At the end of the day (figurative speech), God will make it evident to both of us the directions our lives are to go.

I wish her well on her journey and road to recovery and hope she truly lets God do the work necessary to restore her to good health and happiness.

Surlyredhead · 02-03-2012, 04:01 PM

I am sorry it worked out that way. It just sucks when you know that ending a relationship is the best thing, but it still hurts just the same.....

soberreality · 02-04-2012, 07:42 AM

Thank you Surly, The pain that I feel is insurmountable. I have good moments and then without warning the flood gates open, the tears flow and i ask why?

I am taking this one day at a time, but each day feels like groundhog day greets me.

My heart is empty, void of what once was

Squadcar2 · 02-12-2012, 01:51 PM

Dear Soberreality. I just joined and just read your post. I'm also dating a recovering alcoholic for about 7 months. I dated him 17 years ago and we were told by a lot of folks that we were soul mates. I knew we were too, but it didn't work out, not meant to be - at least at that time - we were also both huge drinkers.

7 months ago we reconnected, he's been in and out of sobriety for about 7 years. We instantly reconnected at an extremely intense and amazing level and the last 7 months have been a push and pull ever since. He's had a couple small and one big relapse since we started dating. He's also been going through a lot of unemployment, no money, self worth kind of stuff on top of everything. I've been as he says, "extremely compassionate, understanding and intuitive".

He's about to get his 30 day chip tomorrow, he says that this is the first time his 30 day chip (of which he has quite a few) has felt this life altering. He really feels like it's at a different level this time and the possibility that he might actually be able to stop the cycle of sobriety, relapse, screwing up life and starting all over again. So this is amazing right? He's working really really hard and this is fantastic.

So why do I feel like I'm all alone and sad all the time? When you said, "At the end of the day there was no way to reconcile how we both take care of ourselves and try to forge a relationship." - this hit home. He is taking care of himself, as he needs to do, but he is so far away from me emotionally and intimately. He has tried to express that he just can't be emotionally attached right now and rationally I totally get that. He has been kind, we text and email all the time, he calls me on a dime if he thinks I'm upset, always supportive and trying to help and totally understanding of what I'm going through. But the reality is that he can't tell me he loves me anymore. And a month ago he let go of his fear, totally opened up and really loved me deeply. He let me in 100% and expressed ALL the intense love he had for me. It was all the same intense love that I felt but wasn't able to express because I knew he needed to go slow. Well, that was also when he was not sober. I'm so afraid now that he is sober, that he won't ever be able to express that again to me. Or that having that intense feeling will through him off balance and increase his chance of relapse.

And me, well, today I'm struggling cause I need to take care of myself and stop thinking about whether he's going to "come back" to love me or not. I don't understand why I can't just "be" and have faith and know the right thing will happen and that I'm just on a path.

I've been reading a ton about AA and Al-Anon. I talk to him about it a ton. I know I should go to a meeting, but I don't think my situation necessarily applies? Anyway, I just wanted to express how I'm feeling (i haven't really told anyone how I'm feeling) but so many of your words felt so familiar to me. I don't know if I should pull way back myself and not see him OR if I should continue to just feel what I'm feeling, express it to him and see where things go.

I don't know when you posted in January, but I hope your heart is feeling less empty. Thanks for sharing.

01-27-2012, 01:44 AM	#1 (permalink)
soberreality Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 8	Relationship with a Female Recovering Alcoholic My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for several months. She is a recovering alcoholic of 12 years. She has stayed sober, and has been on her own for the past few years. She has had two relationships in that time, and I am the third. We have a history that goes back to the days when she was an alcoholic, but had not been in contact with one another for the better part of her recovery. Our love for one another is not in question. What is are some things she has been saying that I would like help understanding. First - she hasn't been active in meetings for years (sporadic at best) and in the few months we have been together she has said repeatedly that she needs to get back to meetings. I agree she needs to go, but have not interjected; letting her move on this on her own. I do not have a knowledge of AA, Alanon etc... except that they are programs designed to provide a path to recovery and a way of life for those recovering. My thinking might not even be correct on that. What I would like help with is to get to understand "Her World" as she knows it. I expressed to her that in order for me to grow and for us to grow I need to know her terminology, so that I am not an "Alien" in her eyes. Are there resources out there? Where do I start? Are there support groups for people to attend to assist me in understanding what a relationship is like for a person dating an Alcoholic? She has said she needs to care of her first, and rightfully so as should I. But balancing that within a relationship is no easy task. I guess what I am saying is that I need help and am looking for resources that I am sure are in place to assist a person dating a recovering alcoholic.

01-27-2012, 04:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
Surlyredhead Life is Grand Word Lab Champion! Battleship Champion! Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,612	I wish I could give you the answers you are looking for, however, I am the one in recovery. I have 17 years sober, and I have not been to a meeting for years. Every now and then, I start think the same way as your girlfriend....that I really should go to a meeting. It has nothing to do with wanting to drink. I suppose I start thinking I wouldn't mind being around people who are like me for a little while. It also has nothing to do with NOT wanting to be around the people who are in my life. I think you are awesome for supporting your girlfriend!!! I wouldn't worry about looking Alien in her eyes, fact is, you are just a little different.....but who ISN'T different from the person they are in a relationship with. My suggestion would be to talk to her. Ask her if she wants you to be active in her recovery or should you just be there in case she wants to talk about it. Ask if she wants you to go to an open meeting together, or to listen to a speaker at an open talk. Tell her you respect the fact that recovery is a personal thing, but you are there for here if she ever needs you. Also, it kind of makes me uncomfortable when people "baby" me, treat me with kidd gloves like I might fall off the wagon at any time. It makes me self concious a little...like if they are talking about going out for drinks..look at me and say "opps, sorry, I forgot" I can handle conversation. Try not to make her feel different...you should treat her like you would anyone else...trust me, if all you focus on is HER recovery, you will drive her insane! She is your friend, your girlfriend, a woman....she just doesn't drink. Remeber, you are NOT dating the recovery, you are dating a great person. Don't make more of it than necessary. If she had 6 months it would be different..but that is not the case...relax and enjoy the time together. I don't know if this helps at all......good luck. Cathy __________________ Every Saint has a past and every Sinner has a future!

02-02-2012, 02:35 AM	#5 (permalink)
soberreality Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 8	On our Own The most difficult thing to do in life is to let go. I know it is best, but I am torn to pieces, destroyed, alone and without purpose. We talked yesterday, I love her so much that to stay in a relationship would have destroyed her well being. I could not do that to myself nor to her. I am new to Al Anon and I know how much emphasis is placed on ME. She is in AA and likewise the emphasis on ME, take inventory. At the end of the day there was no way to reconcile how we both take care of ourselves and try to forge a relationship. I am destroyed and feel my heart has been ripped from me, there is nothing left inside me that is worth pursuing. I wish her well, I will always love her

02-03-2012, 04:01 PM	#7 (permalink)
Surlyredhead Life is Grand Word Lab Champion! Battleship Champion! Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,612	I am sorry it worked out that way. It just sucks when you know that ending a relationship is the best thing, but it still hurts just the same..... __________________ Every Saint has a past and every Sinner has a future!

01-27-2012, 12:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
soberreality Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 8	I see that almost 60 people have looked at my thread, I would really appreciate some guidance, and will graciously accept any being offered.

02-03-2012, 09:00 AM	#6 (permalink)
soberreality Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 8	I have attended two Al Anon meetings I will say this, I have let go and let God. I have a strong theologian background and can assure you that this saying is not unfamiliar to me. I will attest that putting into action those words is far more difficult that reciting them. Doing so, I trust that I am powerless and have to look to God to do his work in me and in her. I can't do it, I will certainly mess it up if I try. At the end of the day (figurative speech), God will make it evident to both of us the directions our lives are to go. I wish her well on her journey and road to recovery and hope she truly lets God do the work necessary to restore her to good health and happiness.

02-04-2012, 07:42 AM	#8 (permalink)
soberreality Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 8	Thank you Surly, The pain that I feel is insurmountable. I have good moments and then without warning the flood gates open, the tears flow and i ask why? I am taking this one day at a time, but each day feels like groundhog day greets me. My heart is empty, void of what once was

02-12-2012, 01:51 PM	#9 (permalink)
Squadcar2 Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 1	Dear Soberreality. I just joined and just read your post. I'm also dating a recovering alcoholic for about 7 months. I dated him 17 years ago and we were told by a lot of folks that we were soul mates. I knew we were too, but it didn't work out, not meant to be - at least at that time - we were also both huge drinkers. 7 months ago we reconnected, he's been in and out of sobriety for about 7 years. We instantly reconnected at an extremely intense and amazing level and the last 7 months have been a push and pull ever since. He's had a couple small and one big relapse since we started dating. He's also been going through a lot of unemployment, no money, self worth kind of stuff on top of everything. I've been as he says, "extremely compassionate, understanding and intuitive". He's about to get his 30 day chip tomorrow, he says that this is the first time his 30 day chip (of which he has quite a few) has felt this life altering. He really feels like it's at a different level this time and the possibility that he might actually be able to stop the cycle of sobriety, relapse, screwing up life and starting all over again. So this is amazing right? He's working really really hard and this is fantastic. So why do I feel like I'm all alone and sad all the time? When you said, "At the end of the day there was no way to reconcile how we both take care of ourselves and try to forge a relationship." - this hit home. He is taking care of himself, as he needs to do, but he is so far away from me emotionally and intimately. He has tried to express that he just can't be emotionally attached right now and rationally I totally get that. He has been kind, we text and email all the time, he calls me on a dime if he thinks I'm upset, always supportive and trying to help and totally understanding of what I'm going through. But the reality is that he can't tell me he loves me anymore. And a month ago he let go of his fear, totally opened up and really loved me deeply. He let me in 100% and expressed ALL the intense love he had for me. It was all the same intense love that I felt but wasn't able to express because I knew he needed to go slow. Well, that was also when he was not sober. I'm so afraid now that he is sober, that he won't ever be able to express that again to me. Or that having that intense feeling will through him off balance and increase his chance of relapse. And me, well, today I'm struggling cause I need to take care of myself and stop thinking about whether he's going to "come back" to love me or not. I don't understand why I can't just "be" and have faith and know the right thing will happen and that I'm just on a path. I've been reading a ton about AA and Al-Anon. I talk to him about it a ton. I know I should go to a meeting, but I don't think my situation necessarily applies? Anyway, I just wanted to express how I'm feeling (i haven't really told anyone how I'm feeling) but so many of your words felt so familiar to me. I don't know if I should pull way back myself and not see him OR if I should continue to just feel what I'm feeling, express it to him and see where things go. I don't know when you posted in January, but I hope your heart is feeling less empty. Thanks for sharing.

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