here I go again

[sadman]

Feeling paranoid, frustrated, angrey at myself. I let it all happen again. Last week I was with my ex, even though I know I shouldn't be. After our time together, she says to me, I really do love you and I think I want to be with you BUT, I think I want to be with other men besides you also. Felt like I just got shot in the gut. I know I set myself up for this. Now how do you feel good about yourself when the person who knows you best dosen't think your good enough. What that said to me was your a good guy, but I think I can do better. My self esteem is at a new low. I have not talked to her since, my jealous feelings are comming back wondering if she already has found some one better. It's eating me up inside. I always let this get to me, my self worth always seems to be based on her opinion of me. I know it shouldn't but I can't seem to control it. Been looking for ways to numb these fears all week, I can't seem to stay focused on any thing except my failure at being good enough. sadman

[ksos]

Sadman...

The beginning of what may need change comes from inside of you. Loneliness isn't a nice feeling for us. Which might explain why we use drugs and or alcohol or, seek out solace in bad relationships. Trust me, I have done all three and know the pain of not having that immediate gratification of "being with her" which led me into some other troublesome spots. Also, being alone may be quite good for some. It allows one to channel energy into other, sometimes more productive, activities. You need not wallow in sorrow. And I don't mean to sound harsh, but we do have that option in life.

One thing that I've learned is that we have choices. Your ex actually seems pretty upfront with you when she says that she wants to be with other men. The message seems to be loud and clear. You have made a choice, thus far, to be with her, despite the pain that you're obviously in. You can choose a different road if need be.

You have done something very positive. You are able to identify the feelings you have when you ae not with her. Not very pleasant sounding to me. You seem to be consumed with many negative emotions surrounding YOURSELF because of your involvement with this woman. Do you deserve that? More importantly, do you want that?

[JT]

Sadman,

What she said has nothing to do with you...it is all about her and her inability to commit. It is awful that you are internalizing this...so stop it!! Sorry, I know, easier said than done.

What ksos said is true...you have choices. You deserve to be involved with people who care about you. After some time in recovery I began to weed out the people who were users, who caused me pain. Today I am careful about who allow in my life.

What is that saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me...

Hugs,
JT

[journeygal]

Hi Sadman,

First of all, I mean no disrespect to your ex, but you deserve so much better. She's stringing you along b/c she knows you will always come running. She has her own self-esteem issues that send her running to different guys. It has nothing to do with you and your worth, but has everything to do with how she feels about herself, which apparently isn't very good. People with low self-esteem have a hard time accepting that others really love and want them for who they are.

Do you attend CODA or ACOA meetings? Your self-esteem problems stem from your childhood, and it would be good for you to start understanding how it all has affected you.

Hugs,
JG

[sadman]

Thanks guys, you all make alot of sence. This childhood stuff seems so far away for me. When I was young I gave people what they expected of me, my hair was long, I did drugs, drank, dropped out of school, I figured if thats what they wanted, I'd give it to um, in spades. One night at 19 I drove through a brick wall at 70 miles an hour, diddn't much care at the time. Me and the old man never really saw eye to eye, left home at 16 after we had a physical fight. started talking to him again when I was twenty. after I got married he changed, he was a grand-pa, we got along great after that until he died. I really don't spend alot of time thinking about it, and thought all that is way behind me. I went back to school, went to college, and got a good job in the hospital, kinda happy with the way things turned out, I thought. I don't know, I need to think. Again thanks for the imput, all of you. sadman

[Lilya]

Hello Sadman,

Although I respect the advice of Journeygal and JT, I tend to agree with Ksos here. I hope you´ll be able to digest the different messages and remember in AA, you "take what you like and leave the rest." Most advice is given in good faith.

I think your wife is being open with you and why is it such a catastrophe to have an open relationship for the time being? In my best relationships - maybe not anything to brag about, they´ve been pretty sick - I was open with the man in my life and we accepted seeing other people. In the end we decided we wanted to be with each other exclusively and that´s where my sickness got in the way: I left him because I have problem committing.

Maybe your wife has indeed problems with commitment and then I agree that it´s totally her problem, Sadman. This reflects her point of view, and it´s not to make you small. My grandfather had two women at the same time all his life and he loved them both equally. One was his wife and the other the mistress as was usual for a French man of his generation. I asked him once why he had two women, and he answered: "Because no one person can fulfill all our needs." I think it´s one the most honest answer a person gave me when I was very young.

Just think about it, and no matter what, don´t let your wive´s viewpoint get you down. Get strength from Al-anon or Coda.

Good luck and merry Christmas,

Use adversity

[ButterflyChaser]

((((((((((((((((((((((((sadman)))))))))))))))))))) )))
WOW!! This ones pretty tough for me! I'm going through a breeak up now, so I'm not good at any advice, except that you are in my thoughts & prayers. Ü
Man...I know those exact feelings you are having. It sux I know...just try to think of it this way...(if you can) "This too shall pass" It's just a temporary feeling it will eventually will pass! Good luck to you, just vent to us, were are here for you!

[sadman]

Ksos, you say she's being upfront. I see it as she's telling me just how screwed up she is. She is down to 102 pounds, I know she is making herself puke again. I can see the sadness in her eyes. I think she's slowly killing her self. How do you let some one you love and care about do this to herself. I would protect her from other people trying to hurt her, but some how I'm supposed to stand back and let her harm herself. Other guys tell her they love her and want to be with her, they don't even know her. They don't even see the depression, nor do they care to. Where is the line between my obsession and my true love and concearn for some one I love. I don't know anymore. She looks like she shold be tube feed, what should I do, act like I don't care. If she was sick in a differnt way I would do everything in my power to help her, but now i'm supposed to walk away. While other guys are trying to use her and tell her what she wants to hear. I am the only guy she knows who will tell her things that won't get me on her good side, "you need to gain wt." "you need to talk to someone" I know these are my opinions, but I truely think she is going kill her self or get killed by one of these guys she meets on the internet, she's my kids mom. How can I not try to help her. I guess this is a classic co-dependent situation, I just can't find the magic switch that turns off careing for and trying to protect some one you love. The last time I was with her she told me some one told her that there were souless people on this earth put here to wonder, that would never go to heaven, she started to cry and told me she thinks she may-be one of those people. She may not need me, but she does need help. It tears me apart to see her like this. sadman

[ksos]

Originally posted by sadman
Ksos, you say she's being upfront. I see it as she's telling me just how screwed up she is. She is down to 102 pounds, I know she is making herself puke again. I can see the sadness in her eyes. I think she's slowly killing her self. How do you let some one you love and care about do this to herself. I would protect her from other people trying to hurt her, but some how I'm supposed to stand back and let her harm herself.

Sadman...

We all have choices in life and she has made a decision to walk this way, my friend. I am not telling you to stand and watch, but to examine, possibly, why you feel the need to save her. The stance that one may take if this is someone you love is to simply be there when the choice is no longer a viable one. She knows that you're there for her. You see, understand, and feel the damage that she is doing to herself. The problem is, as I see it, she doesn't see it enough to stop whatever she is doing.

The magic switch? I have no idea what that is in this case. I only see one thing. Your pain and despair over this situation. When does it become too much for the healthier partner? Good question.

My wife made a very difficult decision in separating from me, despite knowing my pain, my situation, and how difficult it would be for me to not have her as a constant in my life. This action prompted change in me, for I had lost just about everything that truly did matter in my life. I have a child as well. As the person who was on the other side, I had to take steps to get to where I am at and I am still on my own, but I am no longer killing myself with drugs, sex, or other destructive behaviors, which was my decision. No, I am not perfect, but I am an adult and I eventually recognized that I am a father, a provider, and someone whose "death" would hurt many people. My estranged spouse would lose our home. My daughter would lose her daddy. I would lose my life.

How to help? Be there, if necessary. Be clear that she needs to do A, B, and C if you are going to remain in her life in any way. And if you have a child with her, you may need to even be more aggressive in what you have to do, if your child lives with her.

I am not heartless, Sadman. But I cannot tell you that you ought to hold her hand through this, as she is ultimately in charge of her own destiny. You can, however, give her your hand when and if she is receptive to healthy and positive ways to change.

Take care of yourself and I hope that she does see the light of what is truly important in life. God Bless You, Her, and Yours'.

[sadman]

Ksos thanks for your words, sometimes it's good to look at things from different veiwpoints. Your perspective is greatly appreciated. There seems to be a line between careing about someone and co-dependentcy that I can't seem to get right. I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happend and I didd't do all that I could to stop it. You do however make me stop and think about things, for that I thank you. sadman

[berovin]

sadman did you steal my life?

[journeygal]

Hi Berovin and welcome.

I'm glad you found us and I hope you stay awhile.

Take care,
JG

[sadman]

berovin, if I did, you can have it back. Welcome, these are some good people here. I hope you hang around awhile. sadman