GF cheated in the past... Advice?

[AttOfGrat]

I was the unfortunate recipient of a painful amends. As our relationship is growing more towards forever, my GF (both of us are in recovery) told me that she couldn't go forward in the relationship without being totally honest. So during the time we were together, but using actively ..she was unfaithful. It has been several years since then.

It was painful to hear and I am trying to process it to the best of my ability. I have a call in to my sponsor a friend, but I am working the serenity prayer like it's my job in the meanwhile.

I have no desire to use, but the feeling of betrayal comes over me in waves and thoughts of acting out on my will in somewhat destructive ways (I.e. skipping work, spending money etc..) are regular.

Would appreciate any ES&H people could offer.
Thanks

[Impurrfect]

(((AttofGrat))) - Welcome to SR!

For some people, cheating is a dealbreaker, others can move past it. I'm really glad you've called your sponsor and are using your recovery tools to process this.

I have no ES&H on this, though I've been cheated on, I was active in my own addiction and that's how I dealt with it - get numb! It is, now, a dealbreaker for me, but I'm sure others will be along.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

[Tatertot]

Hi AttOfGrat!

I have personally never been cheated on, nor have I ever cheated on anyone, but that doesn't mean I don't feel for you. I really do.

I really have no advice for you one way or the other, but thought I would post this story just in case you hadn't heard it yet...

Wow: 99-year-old Man Files For Divorce After 77 Years of Marriage | Clutch Magazine

Some wounds cut deeper than the passage of time can heal them, it seems.

Good luck to you and stay strong!

[doggonecarl]

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I have to wonder who's guiding her through the steps and if they discussed the hurt this would cause you. But it is done. Don't make it worse by using or resorting to any other kind of destructive behavior...I'm sure that wasn't the intent of this amend.

It couldn't have been easy for her to tell you this. If this happened to me I might try to view it as something that happened in the past, at a time when you were both using and probably doing things that were bound to hurt each other. By telling you, she is trying to break with the past and I would try to view it as a sign that she doesn't plan on cheating again...otherwise, why tell you.

Probably doesn't help your hurt, does it. I sympathize with you.

[catmilkyo]

Hello.
I still get angry when I think that while I was trying to clean myself up and working he was at home calling a singles chat line, etc. But I know that since I'm choosing to stay for the time being and I'm living a sober life now, I have to find a way to stop torturing myself. Cause I know he isn't losing sleep like I have. Even though he feels bad, it's not the same. His break with the past involved dropping a bomb on me, I suppose.

For me what has been helpful is realizing that it wasn't my fault - even if I wasn't doing the right thing he didn't have to do that. I couldn't have prevented it from happening by being different, basically. Unless they're specifically out for revenge, people who cheat aren't horrible people out to hurt us - they're just screwed up people dealing with difficult feelings in a screwed up and selfish way. Taking what my partner did personally, like it was an attack on me and our relationship, has only killed me inside. So I separate those actions from me/us and realize it could have been anyone and he would have done the same thing. It's a destructive behavior. It says more about him than it does about me or us.

It sounds like you're dealing in healthy ways though. It takes a lot of strength. I'm sorry to hear about this, can totally sympathize.

[digderidoo]

I guess it comes down to whether you can see that she has changed her lifestyle and behaviour, whether you associate the cheating with the using lifestyle. If you can put it behind you, along with other behaviour, then you need to 'accept the things you cannot change'. Maybe you can't accept it and draw a line in the past, maybe it means that you cannot trust her anymore or maybe you can trust her if she remains clean and sober. If you can put it behind you, as a couple you could become stronger.

All I can say in relation to myself is that I was once a cheat, and cheated on every girlfriend that I've had ... however since getting sober I have always remained faithful in relationships. There is a definite line between our behaviour whilst using or drinking to our behaviour whilst clean and sober, it really comes down to whether you can keep her cheating well and truly behind that line.