New & Need Advice...

[GoodVsEvil]

Hey, I'm new here and I want to make a very long story, fairly short. I met my boyfriend 7 years ago and were "close friends" you could say until 3 years ago when we started really dating. And when we started dating, unfortunately, he also started doing Oxycontin, all around the same time. I didnt know what it was all that much back then but i knew it wasn't good if it continued. I tried telling him not to do it cause he could get addicted easily and now 3 years later, after many failed attempts to get clean, many relapses and many many pills later, here I am looking for a word of encouragement. He got clean, got back into the gym, started looking/feeling good again and went back, and that happened about 4 times so far, always self-detoxing at home and taking suboxone. Never lasted more than 2 months, the amount of drugs he needed increased. Went from a few oxy80s to a lot of roxy30s to roxys & cocaine together and this past time turned into heroin & cocaine together, snorting all of it. He calls it "speedballing". Now, I have seen it all. I know I am a big enabler of this because I never left him and always stuck by his side with a safety net whether he was using or quitting. I have seen it all, nodding out, falling asleep anywhere he is, the night terrors, the "demons", the hallucinations from being awake for days straight, the withdrawals, the sweating, the snorting, the stealing, the lying, the cheating. We lived together so I saw it all first hand for the past year and I recently moved back home. But Im still by his side. Today he took a new road to sobriety and went into a detox center and is going to rehab after. Do I believe this will work this time? Not exactly, but I will stand by him because I do love him and care about him as a person and since I know he never wanted to become this person (he never thought he would) I have faith in him and Im always supporting him. But Im getting sick of saying this time is different, this time this time ..my family nor his family doesn't want to hear it anymore and Im sick of defending him. He's never hurt me physically, hes never stole from me (from what I know, I check a lot) Im not the enemy in this and he doesn't treat me like it, he deffinately shows me he needs me, but Im so sick of being second to drugs. But I can't leave him. Mind you I haven't touched anything in my life and that's God's honest truth. So that's where I get GoodVsEvil ..Me Vs. His disease.

What I need to know is... do I stick by his side since he says he needs me or do I move on and let him be on his own with it? I know all I do is rationalize everything, its my defense mechanism, but who looks foolish here? Im honestly happy being there for him and helping when I can with what I can. Am I just blind or am I really sticking by someone truly? Please give me some advice, I need to hear it from complete strangers who knows my position, not family or friends.

[SentencedToLife]

I am speaking more form his side in this. I am an addict. I never thought I would get here either. I have a rather strong fondness for roxi's as well. The maker of those should be shot. But I Digress. To answer your question, there IS NO ANSWER for your question. Sometimes its best to love someone from afar. I imagine that you having never have been in his shoes before, are at your wits end. I KNOW that he probably is. Fact is that he probably loves you very much. Just doesn't care much for himself. And when you dont care about you you cant really care for anyone else either. JMHO

[SentencedToLife]

You certainly need to do whats best for you. Just as he does. And for me its hard to find a bottom deep enough to make me stop when everything stays like its always been. ie: My behavior isn't costing me things/people I love.

[GoodVsEvil]

Originally Posted by SentencedToLife

I am speaking more form his side in this. I am an addict. I never thought I would get here either. I have a rather strong fondness for roxi's as well. The maker of those should be shot. But I Digress. To answer your question, there IS NO ANSWER for your question. Sometimes its best to love someone from afar. I imagine that you having never have been in his shoes before, are at your wits end. I KNOW that he probably is. Fact is that he probably loves you very much. Just doesn't care much for himself. And when you dont care about you you cant really care for anyone else either. JMHO

I feel he loves it all so unconditionally.. and his love for family, friends and me is strong but not strong enough to live a sober life. And he always seems to get taken care of, when he runs out of money his father gives him money, he co-owns a business with his father and everytime he relapses his father kicks him out of the job but always lets him back in when he gets clean. Everyone in his life enables him, not just me. But I see it the most. I have never been through it and never once have I said to him that I understood how he feels but after all Ive seen in the past 3 years day in and day out I sure learned a lot about it as a whole. But I feel sometimes me trying so hard to make him see what he's doing to himself, only hurts me and makes him resent me. He rebels against me everytime he's gets clean. Im there holding him all night long while he withdrawals and then when its over and hes clean for 5 days he breaks up with me, goes a month or so and then gets back in touch with me when he feels he is going to relapse and then he eventually does, no matter how much i try to prevent it. Is this because he knows he can get away with it being with me? And also, when hes done with rehab in a month or two, he is either going back to work with his dad or hes moving out of state. I personally think he can't stay clean here, with all these people around here and his friends are all involved with it too, its too easy for him to find it and someone to do it with. I just wanna be there for him, i can honestly say I feel I'm just as addicted to him as he is to drugs. I'm sick of this 3 way relationship. I just want him to myself again like it was before he hopped on this highway to hell.

[GoodVsEvil]

Im sorry if I sound like im just rambling on about everything.. im just so confused. There is so much that's happened between me, him and this addiction that I could write for days.

[strengthtobeone]

Hi Good, have you tried al-anon or nar-anon? It may be a good place for you to go to learn about the disease of addiction and how to improve your life. It sounds like you are dissatisfied in the relationship. Those groups will help you find the answers you are seeking.

[LifeRecovery]

Welcome, though I am sorry for the reasons you are here.

I have also found Al-anon (my loved one struggle with alcohol) to be a great support in figuring out my relationship with my loved one, but in all honesty in working on all my relationships.