It's Control....Not Love!!!

[ButterflyChaser]

It's about Control, Not LOVE!
Well, I've been meaning to vent about this "bad" situation that I've been in w/my boyfriend, but sometimes i just don't have the energy anymore cuz I feel like he sucks it all outta me, or maybe I don't want to go back & relive the nightmare, but I have to get it OUT!!! I've talked to a few people bout it, but deep down (my family) my heart still is in serious pain! I feel like I will never get past this!!~~ Ok here it goes.........(any comments or advice will be very helpful for me, please just be honest, I need some support & the truth!).....
I've been with my BF for almost 3 yrs, to make a long story short, I've tried & given my 100% of the relationship, he is hateful, selfish, my dauhgter (6 yr old) doesn't even like em', he doesn't even actknowledge she is there, he don't talk, he's just plain miserable (after reading & searching what kind of problem/person he is?) I thought he was a depressed person, I'm sure he is, but if yo9uall know anything about an "Emotional Abuser" he is that! He fits the profile to a "T". They are mena & very cruel to there parters, emotionally, spiritually, verbaly..., not so much physical. But my bf is VERY physical...3 weekends ago, we were agruging for a long time, so then he says (on saturday) "when I get home from work, we'll go out to eat or something, just be ready by 6:00pm"! I was like "Alright!!" feeling real excited about this plan. Bow ya'll have got to know, he has NEVER taken me anywhere special, bought me flowers, nothing like that. (also note: that I am not only an Addict, but I am 100% a co-dependent!! and I hate it!!)
So, I, of course was ready by 5!! He played games with me on the phone telling me he had to do this 1st then drive this person here, then do that..Yadda, Yadda, Yadda!! (also, he did this to me the night before, stood me up, then punched me in the nose!)
Anyway..it's now getting to be 8pm, he has had his cell phone off, then he calls I'm trippin' out, ,I have a temper, so i tend to SCREAM & Yell to were I will actually loose my voice!! I ask him "where are you?" he says I'm in the Walmart parking lot talking to my family (in another state) is that alright with you?" Like I was being sensless that he was talking to his family , whom his mom really likes me & I like her, she's great! He says he'll be home in 15 mins. ok, fine...another hr goes by & he calls back & I started screaming, cussing, absoulutly FREAKIN" out! he says I'll call u back when u calm down, & hung up on me! I was completely FREAKED, feeling in my heart he's playing his "twisted F***ed up mind games again! i was absolutly NUTZ at this point. I call my friend to ask her to call him for me ya know to talk to him, see if she could find out what the deal was, right? She says she'll caLL me back & let me know, hours go by & no call from her or him, I'm calling both of them like a darn Lunitic, freaking out! Crying everything! Then here comes my BF 1:00am He tells me he went over to my buddys house cuz when she called him, he asked her if she had anything(dope) she said no, but I have a little & I'll smoke a bowl witcha....when he told me this...can u just picture this, all this chit!! I felt betrayed! No they weren't together, I know for a fact, just him doing dope when all along he knows I don't want it around anymore, then her not answering my call, both of them, she backstabbed me!!!! so I had a pepsi in my hand & after he told me that I slammed that pepsi on the kitchen floor to were it splashed everywhere, I was obliviated! completely hurt & pissed off! I started walking down the hall to my room & BAMMM!!! LIGHTS OUT!!! I woke up to him over me crying saying "please, i can't loose you, wake up!" My boday was numb I could hear but I could really focus/see, I was trying to say CALL 911 but nothing would come out of my mouth....I was on conscienc...He threw one of my candles at me..I'm talking A BIG candle, knocked me flat out, I had a bloody nose, carpet burns on my shoulder & upper/bottom lip...I guess when it hit my head...I was like dead weight...and lost control of my body!! The ambulance came & police & the Police pressed charges on him, I went to the emergency room, I had a Bump on the back of my head the size of a SOFTBALL! (I'm crying as I'm typing this) It's still in the healing process, my mom came to stay w/me the 1st few night of recupperating, cuz someone had to be there to wake me up every couple hours & ask me my name & where do I live..

Ya'll I had a head injury..it was one of the most scariest things that ever happened to me EVER! I've never been in a hospital, only whne my daughter was born. To this day he is still mad cuz he was in jail & has to fight this in court, he is very disrespectful of me, he acts as though I caused everything & for that to happen! Exxxxcuse me...u were over my friends house,lieing to me the whole time,including her! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr



I'm a mess right now, I have to go & get some tissues, I knew this would happen & I'm at work...I'll be back ya'll...this is tooooo hard to talk & think about!


__________________

[journeygal]

((((((ButterflyChaser))))))))

Ok, there are no ifs, ands, or buts here. You need to leave this man before he kills you. You need to get away from this man so your daughter won't grow up and end up in an abusive situation of her own. There is no reason for you to stay with him. You did not mention ONE good thing about him!!!! And even if you had, the fact that he beats you would not change a thing!!!!! You need to get out!!!! Call your mom, the local shelter, the cops, do what you have to do to get out of this situation. It is not good for you, your daughter, or your recovery.

Please, please, please, get yourself some help!!!!

[sdp]

I agree with JG!!!
This situation sounds dangerous for you and any children!!

[sdp]

It looks like this was also posted in Women in Recovery, with more replies

[ButterflyChaser]

yes sdp it was posted there too, but I could use all the advice I can get right now...and support!

~~"If a child feels Safe, Wanted & Loved...You are a successful Parent!!!" ~~

Your child is not feeling safe, wanted and loved right now.

You asked for advice and everyone here has given you the advice to leave and get you and your child to safety. If you choose to stay then you should at least turn your child over to Social Services so she will be safe. Domestic violence is abuse.

Are you going to continue to abuse your child. She has no choice in the matter. It is your job to protect her. You are not doing your job if you stay in your situation. There are shelters you can go to immediately.

[ButterflyChaser]

I have a protective order & restraining order out on him. I doubt he will bother me , but just in case. I PROTECT my child!!! I would NEVER put her life in danger!!! NEVER! Thank God she has never seen any vioplence! Thank God!

I'm glad to hear that Butterfly.

Stick to your logic now. Your feelings will follow. Get some domestic violence counseling and face to face support. There is so much available to women and children now in this area.

You are in the most danger when you first separate so be very careful. Have a shelter handy and an address in case you need to flee.

My prayers are with you both.

Hugs,
MG

How do I start all over again?

'Moving on' is a lot easier to say than to do. Simply blocking it or pretending to others (and yourself) that you're coping when you're not, rarely works and can make you feel very alone.

For many women, it's only when they are physically safe that they can begin to fully experience their emotional responses. These may include pain, hurt, anger, grief, feelings of abandonment, vulnerability and are most usually a combination of them all.

Don't try to cope with your feelings alone

Don't suffer alone or pretend that everything is fine if it isn't.

Talk to a trusted friend or family member or alternatively, you may wish to see a counsellor at this difficult time in your life. You can also ask your GP to refer you or you can find one yourself.

There are also a number of agencies where you can talk to someone in confidence.

Starting your life over again can seem daunting. You may fear being alone or be worried about your ability to cope, practically and emotionally. Losing your home and your relationship at the same time can be devastating and make you feel very insecure. But…

There is life after abuse and it does get better.

Although it can sometimes be hard at the beginning, it's usually no worse than living with him, and when you re-establish your life, it is usually much better than living with him.

Ending any relationship, especially one with children involved, is hard irrespective of the reasons and how 'right' it may feel. Healing is rarely immediate; it will take time but it does get better. Remember also that you may be especially vulnerable to the charm and flattery of predatory men at this time, so be aware that you may need some time to fully recover from the abuse before getting involved in another committed relationship.

You are making big decisions and changes in your life - now is the time to maximise your energy reserves for yourself and your children.

Find out what it feels like to put yourself first!

"In her heart she is a mourner for those who have not survived.
In her soul she is a warrior for those who are now as she was then.
In her life she is both celebrant and proof of women's capacity and will to survive, to become, to act, to change herself and society.
And each year she is stronger and there are more of her."

[AvieG]

Butterfly, you start all over again by helping YOURSELF. Type 'Domestic Violence Support groups' into our serch engine. Here is just one I found, and thre re many more listed, and it is FREE, with childcare facilities provided.

http://www.ci.lawrence.ks.us/CLIC/hu...l/360ylqh6.HTM

There is nothing more any of us can say which hasn't already been said. Now YOU nee to gt into action and DO SOMETHING.

Treat him like an adiction 'Just for today I will NOT try to contact him'

As someone posted in the other thread - you ASKED for support and advice - you GOT it - now get the help you need.

[Juls]

I don't understand, if you have a restraining order out on him, what is he doing in your house? You said you daughter doesn't like him, that he won't acknowledge her, and is mean and miserable. That also qualifies for abuse. Where was she when you got knocked out?

If you are subjecting yourself to abuse, your daughter is being subjected to abuse whether she has literally seen it or not. There are serious issues involved when we let men treat us this way, and these things affect our kids emotional lives as well. Unless you want your daughter to grow up and accept the same kind of treatment get help for yourself and her now.

Juls

[ButterflyChaser]

Juls..she was at her Dad's that weekend when he knocked me out...he's completely out of here, he will not be back...he's got alot of warrants pending on him, he isn't going to show his face around her...I can almost garuntee it! He knows I've put my foot down, he don't care about me, he always was out running around, ya know, he could care less where or ehat I do!!
everything is gonna be ok, I feel it, guess cuz I'm getting stronger & stronger...he's a NO BODY & I think he's finally realized this!

[Juls]

Butterfly,

Good for you for putting your foot down. Getting out of an abusive relationship can be hard. You deserve better and so does your daughter. I wish you all the happiness you both deserve and hope you are able to heal yourself from this difficult situation.

Juls

[AvieG]

Butterfly (Quote) he's a NO BODY & I think he's finally realized this!

The best news is that finally YOU have realized it!!!!

[mylove]

got to the part where you said "punched me in the nose"

say good-bye.

[Crazy Mary]

GET OUT!!

But I think you already know that. I will pray for you... Take care and keep coming back.

[ButterflyChaser]

Thanks again to all of you!

[sadman]

Butterfly he is a nobody, your daughter needs you. You are somebody very important to her. Focus on her, you don't want this in her life. I will pray for you and your daughter. Get this animal out of your lives, for good. I don't know you but I believe you can do this. Stay safe. Sadman

[shelly75]

its hard to start over get some counselling by him telling he would be there at certian is a form of control to keep you home. he assauled you my sons dad beat me all the time at one point i woke up and i literally stuck my pinky finger down two one knuckel deep into my skull and the whole left side side from shouldre to knee was one bruise only because i was drunk at the time did i syffer no broken bone but guess what i didnt leave i left when i came to in the hospital and was told by a cop who didnot know me (most knew me by that point) telling me that if my head had not been upi against a brick wall id be dead. if you have have a peace bond against him keep him to it if he comes near you call 911. he will try anything right now if he scared of jail stay strong you can do it. when the going gets tough and it will think about how wonderful your life be without hime

[Lompocian]

Hi Amy,

First of all, it's your choice to stay in a relationship with someone who is still using. I tried to do it myself when I was trying to get clean and it wasn't the best idea for my own recovery.

But what concerns me is your child. If you admit he doesn't acknowledge your daughter, why would you want a man like this in your life? My kids were my priority and I they came with the package. :wink2: Thank god the man I'm married to today loves them as his own.

I'm not sure how long you've been clean or how you stay clean, but have you been clean long enough to learn about self-love? To love the person you are today? I am a faithful member of 12 step-programs and with a little bit of outside help, was able to finally learn to love myself first before I could finally have a healthy relationship.

If you have a problem with co-dependecy, you're going to have to learn how to set boundaries or else you're always going to accept being treated by someone like this.

So ask yourself if anybody is worth risking your recovery over and remind yourself that your little girl is your priority, not some jerk that doesn't even acknowledge her.

Just sharing my ES&H with you.

[ButterflyChaser]

Hello everyone & thanks to all who have replyed,
I just wanted to clearify that it's been almost 4 months since I posted that message, I don't talk to him or assocciate myself w/him either, it's been about 3 months since we last spoke. I had to get him out of my life, he brought me down, downer than I've ever felt in my life! Yes, it hurt, I still sometimes cry over the loss. Maybe I miss the thought of "what could have been" I sometimes think about how crazy it all was & I cry that I even allowed myself to go through so much verbal abuse! My daughter was NEVER there when ever he hit me, she heard yelling & arguing once in a while, and still that was bad enough! Today I am making up for all that to her..and I'll tell you...I know what unconditional love is now.............it's my child. She loves me no matter what, and I do to, of course. (until she gets to be about 15-16yrs. old, from what I hear! hahahaha!)
But I'm coming out of this deal, I have a hard time trusting what people say tome, cuz he l;ied to me ALL THE TIME!
Thanks for all your advice ya'll!
(((((((((((((((((hugs to everyone))))))))))))))))))
don't know what I would have done if I didn't have SR & ya'll!

[Lompocian]

Amy:

Thanks for the update. I didn't notice the date that you started the thread. I'm so glad to hear the way things are going for you now. Still crying over him is probably some of your healing process of letting go but it's so great to read that you've realized how far you've come. I still reflect upon the past and isn't it great to tell yourself "I've come a long ways, Baby!"? :star

Keep working your program of recovery and loving that little girl of yours, and most of all yourself.

Carol

[liveweyerd]

Hi, I am sorry I didn't see this before.

I came to this site 18 months ago, mourning the man I loved who abused me. I didn't want to lose him, I just wanted all the craziness to stop.

I had to literally do the 90 day thing, come here and count the days that I did not have contact with him. Everybody knows the physical abuse is wrong. But the emotional abuse is so insiduously damning. It's the hardest thing.

I need alot of education and counseling and support to understand what happened to me to restore me to sanity.

Today my life is very good. I could not have imagined. I had become conditioned such that my efforts were fruitless.

About a month ago I received news that he and his fiance nearly killed each other. He was shot and she has spinal injuries.

I am very grateful that my life is lived freely without threat. I talked some about it today in WIR about seeing is believing.

I hope you are well today, and know that we are always here for you.

hugs, sister,
live