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|12-14-2011, 12:22 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: garner, nc
Anger & resentment
I'm new to this. Forgive me if everything flows out of me like a river. I have been in a relationship with an addict for 2 years. In the past 10 months he has been in recovery. This is not the first time he's been in recovery and I understand that relapse is a part of some peoples recovery. I love him with my heart and soul and could spend the rest of my life with him. We have been through hell & back through his addiction and recovery. I never thought one day in my life I'd be with someone addicted to anything. His DOC is opiates, heroin, before i met him I didn't even realize real people did those kind of drugs. I couldn't fathom the things I have witnessed before him.
In the beginning it was exciting, he was dangerous, and it was very appealing to me seeing as my last relationship was completely boring and routine. Waking up not knowing where we would go to get his fix or how we'd come up with the money was intoxicating. It sounds sick to hear myself say it but being fellow recovering addict supports I believe some of you will understand it. Life with him was pretty amazing for about 3 months. He had his own money and took me out and did things for me. Then his addiction grew stronger and he needed more... that's when the enabling started to happen full steam. We were both working everyday in a resturant working doubles and making barely enough to support one person. I started giving him 20$ every now and then when he'd asking denying to myself what it was actually for, since being an addict he was the master of manipulation there was always some excuse of why he needed money.
After about 2 months of this cat and mouse game things became more intense. I started making drug runs with him and for him giving him pretty much every dollar i had and money from my parents that I asked to borrow. We fought every day and every night. I've told him now that back then I would say no to him just to see what stupid excuses he'd come up with or watch him grovel in self pitty because it made me feel like he needed me, again SICK, i know.... His disease became my disease.. I was just as infected as he was needing him to need me for his needs. Round and round we went. There were days he'd wake up and cry that he didn't want to live that way anymore but needed this last fix to make him feel better. I would cry everyday and beg him to stop to get help.. He tried numerous times.. went to detox once, tried "his own way" like 100 times...
Things with him only got physical a couple times, typically over missing money or my car vanishing and him for hours. I am just as guilty as those times as he is.. In the past months we were kicked out of his house, my house and were living on a friend's couch.... two of us.... on a couch...
January 2011, everything collapsed. I was exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. His mother and I decided to do some what of an "intervention" and give him an ultimatum .... Go to rehab or get out of the house and I was leaving him... He refused immediatly... said he'd been clean for 18 months he could do it by himself... so, as we said, I was done and she kicked him out that night. He called a friend, friend came and got him. The next morning I had to work at 10:30, him at 11:00.. he called me about 10:15 and said he needed a ride to work, being sick and an enabler, i picked him up.. called our boss and he said we needed to both be there by 11... well by this time, it was 10:50 and we were about 40 mins away.... A sigh of relief came over me after I asked him what we were going to do and he said....."I guess I'm going to rehab" .. FINALLY he had run out of options and used up all of his resources.... Immediatly we called his mother and set him up to go to a rehab in greensboro NC....
He had health insurance so we were "pre approved" for his stay... WELL we were not told they had to RE approve you EVERY DAY.... so after 7 days of detox before he even started his program we get a call that he can no longer stay there... I was so torn of feeling excited for him to come home and very sad becuase i knew he wasn't ready.. His mom picked him up and i recieved him from her after she got back to garner.... The first thing he said to me was, "Are you going to be mad if I get one bag, i'm still sick" ....... my heart dropped....... i had heard this 39489458349 times... i relentlessly gave in and took him to meet his dope dealer... the deal with his mom letting him stay home was that he had 1 week to find another rehab.. well... 2 weeks passes and he's using heavier than before he went and detoxed.. after recieving 2000$ tax refund check feb 1st and it being gone 2 weeks later i was once again... done...
So that's when he ended up at The Healing Place of Wake County. by the grace of god.... he stayed... he's now been clean for 10 months, but honestly, these 10 months, have been harder than when he was using.
That's the reason I am writing this. I need help.. I cannot let go of the anger and resentments of everything he did to me. I understand AA & NA have steps and a process and he's not making amends yet but I just want him to break down and apologize.... I get angry looking at him and just want to scream. I've never felt so much angst towards anyone in my entire life. I've seen a therapist, doesn't really help... Part of me REALLY misses him being on heroin, because i felt like he NEEDED me.. now, we just coexist... I know i sound extremely sick, i don't know where to turn. I should try ALANON but i don't want people to tell me i'm 22 and to stop wasting my time. I have faith in him and our relationship..
If anyone can offer any advice, please, feel free. I've tried sitting him down and talking to him about it but it turns into a screaming match about how i've had 10 months to work on it and let it go...... my response..... how many months did it take you to finally get clean.... I don't know how to deal with any of this.... Thanks..
|12-23-2011, 10:52 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: northeastern u.s. metro area
Blog Entries: 1
I just want to say that I feel for you. You have been through so much with this person. It is totally understandable that you have all those feelings of anger and resentment. I'm sure at times it feels like you are going to go crazy.
I've been involved with addicts - I have the problem myself. The drama and pain and excitement is addictive, it is absorbing, and it has left me a wreck at the end of relationships.
When I was about 21/22, I went into my first rehab. I was involved with a heroin addict, and I had alcohol problems. We sometimes used pain pills together, we got wasted together, we fought, he stole crap, I would run back to him crying, he would embarrass me, treat me like crap - and I could not walk away. He was a talented artist and a kind person, but just so messed up. . . that it was rare to see that part of him. And I felt guilty because I had pressured him to get off methadone in the beginning of our relationship, not knowing anything - and of course he relapsed.
In that situation, I lost my mind. I checked into rehab and basically deleted his number from my phone and went no contact. Maybe that is cruel to some, but I was so emotionally spent and destroyed (suicidal) that I had to look out for me.
I've never been to alanon, but I don't think they try to convince you to do anything. I am pretty sure the focus is on you - and taking care of yourself.
I am currently in a relationship where there is resentment on my side toward him for certain things. . . and while I have had some luck bringing it up and being able to talk, he gets angry about it too. And I realized that nothing he can do will ever take away my resentment. It sucks. So I have to take care of myself, and eventually decide if I want to put it away and move on, or if I want to put it away and let go. I mean, I'll never forget. Damage done. And I have done stuff myself to hurt him.
We are trying relationship counseling. That is something to consider too, if it's appropriate and he's willing.
Good luck. You obviously have a big heart, I hope you can use your love to heal yourself from everything you've been through.
Another thing that I am checking out is CoDA meetings. I haven't been yet. You could look into that too. I am new to the boards but maybe someone else here has experience or suggestions for healing.
|12-23-2011, 11:30 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: All over the place
Al-anon and/or Naranon or CoDA is for friends and families of loved ones who struggle with an addiction.
Advice in my experience is not given at the meetings....but there is a lot of Experience, Strength and Hope that is shared. You get to "Take what you like and leave the rest."
Many of us on the Friends and Families side of things have been in similiar situations to the both of you...and we would love you to join us if you are interested.
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